PAIN IS AN ILLUSION's blog: "A day in the life of illusion"

From the deepest part of my being, comes a greatness. A beauty. Something that is real and awesome. From the deepest part of my soul is a gift. A reality. A newness. The ability to feel and heal with words of pure understanding. From the most private part of my heart lies the ability to feel emotion. So many different ones. Oh how they have made me who I am today.

Have you ever just woke up and had so much on your mind? Ive been there over and over repeatedly and the answers Im still trying to find. Have you ever thought of death up close? Do you know what it feels like? Ive seen it since my childhood. It haunts me day and night. Have you ever wondered where in life you took the turn that was wrong? I took it too and have no clue but I know it brings me down. Have you ever felt like giving up and letting go of yourself? Ive felt that way for so long now. Ive stayed up on my shelf. Have you fought your inner demons and the pain that haunts your dreams? Ive fought it for so very long. I know not what it means. My past is very relative in the fact most can relate. Ive been trying to forget that part that haunts and still I sit and wait.

If I could go and turn back time, I wouldnt be who I am. Im strong because the hands dont reverse. My past made me a man. Ive made a lot of mistakes and choices but still I dont regret. Ive survived so much in my very own life and still I dont break a sweat. The story of time is so cunfusing like cells and atoms and all the fusing. Some may even find it amusing. The story of time can leave so much bruising. So Im glad and Im sad for the past that Ive faced. Its made me much stronger today. And bit by bit I chip at the past until it finally breaks away.

Below you I rest and await my time, to join you all. The ones I miss so very much, that early took a fall. I keep you alive with memories, memories we all share. Its hard at times when Im down here alone with nothing there. I wonder what its gonna be like when its my turn to fall. Is there a feeling to describe it? Do I get a wake up call? My destiny is the same as everyone elses. We all must meet that fate. Its a little scary to know whats real but still I sit and wait. One day we will embrace again and Ill never let you go. I miss you all so very much. My waiting makes me glow.

Me and my babyboy, we ride like soldiers. We got each others back. Hes my life and sanity. For me he will attack. My babyboy is greyish blue and he means everything. Theres many nights we go to the park and in the darkness, out loud I sang. Without him, i wouldnt be here, thats why hes my sanity. I love my Malachi with all my heart and he is my everthing. Just me and my baby boy, soldiers til the end. Hes unique just like his dad and hes also my best friend

To feel the feel of someone real. The dream where it takes place. To feel the beat of combined hearts. To see the shining face. To hear the sound of happiness. Can it not be defined? I shall put this into simple words. Its the sound from people that shine. To see the sights that I have dreamt. These peaceful times for me. The visions of a better life. A life where I am free. To know that these illusions exist, merely within a dream. That place where you can wake up from, where nothing is what is seemed.

Draw my energy from you, your fullness. Let me have the drawing. Arms raised torward you. Chanting my verses, to you calling. Flow through me like eternity. Fill me with newness. Bathe me in your radiance. Come to me in trueness. Im focused on your light. Reflecting down on me. Your power is magnificant. I begin to feel so free. Your waxing phase is over. Tonight your beauty is full. Your energy flows through me. The strongest that I know. Perfect beginnings with perfect ends. Perfect love with perfect friends. Perfect reflections of what has been. To you my call is sent. Blessed Be.

As of tonight I feel like I am less than a man. With all of this stress its so hard to stand. My will to keep going continues to fail. Im begging for the wind that I need for my sail. Im lost and confused. Theres so much inside. To most I seem happy. The sadness I hide. I try to make progress in living again but the more that I try the more that I bend. Its so hard for me to feel like a man. Its so hard for me because of where I am. My life seems to be crashing once more for the break and maybe this time its too much to take. How do I allow myself to believe that it will get better and the stress will leave? Right now I am stuck and I cant seem to see that part of my life is fading from me. Sometimes I just wanna cry.

I wake up each day regretful. Regretful that my eyes even opened. Im so tired of all the chaos. Im tired of always coping. My life seems like a mistake to me when I think about the past. So many regrets and not enough joys. How long does misery last? I need to find an escape for me to break away for good. See everything is hard right now and if I knew what to do, I would. The anguish for the losses and tears. The laughter that hasnt been heard. The suffering for the wasted years. The silence in an unspoken word. My eyes are tired and seen too much. I just want to fade away. Close them for the permanance. Will tomorrow be ok?

Tonight I ponder whats on my mind. A simple thought. What will I find? Its me inside thats breaking down. Im losing sight. Im losing ground. Im taking shape to disappear so far from life, so far from here. Mentally I am crashing. My thoughts are just a blur. Im confused on what is happening. When will I have a cure?