angelynna's blog: "angelynna"

well i said i was going to keep a daily journal of how i did with chantix... lol that lasted 2 days. anyway now i'm on my third week of the medicine, and i haven't smoked since friday before last. so this coming friday will be 2 weeks smoke free. unfortunately the way my finances are right now (and unfortunately the way they are going to be for a while) i really have no way of celebrating milestones... i can look at my counter and go ooh lookie 2 weeks smoke free and i dunno, eat a cookie... cept i can't afford them... so the not smoking is going well. i have to say today is the first day in a good solid 2 weeks that i've felt good enough to write or talk about anything. and i missed my therapist appt this morning (she cancelled not me) so here ya go. it started about 2 1/2 weeks ago on the weekend, i was feeling down-- and by down i mean not eating, not getting out of bed, staring at the wall, crying--and it lasted for a good two days. then i had to go to a dentist appt because my tooth had been hurting so bad i couldn't eat with that side of the mouth (not that i was eating much anyway) and i got up and went, not thinking twice about the fact that i hadn't showered in 3 days, i was driving with tears streaming down my face, talking to the dentist through sobs. anywya he ground down my fillings and said that should relieve sxome of the pressure, if it still hurts in a few days you need a root canal. well in 3 days it hurt worse then ever so we made an appt. later that day my mom said since i was crying so bad she didnt want me to be alone so she took me out to starbucks, and of course i cried into my starbucks... sigh. anyway we talked a little about the breakup which happened yes, a month ago and yes, i'm still working on getting over and not being very successful at that. and then she asked me what was this "thing" that had been bothering me so bad it ruined my life and i just could not move on and let's get it out in the open once and for all. so. i told her my secret. i was weak, i was vulnerable, i was anything but ready to tell her. but i did. and i won't say what it is here because i 1/ havent processed it enough 2/ i'm afraid you'll react with too much sympathy 3/ i'm afraid you won't understand why it ruined my life. so while no longer a secret from my mother, it remains a secret for the time being. so i got to go in and talked the guy into some extra shots of novacaine for fear of feeling them grind out the root (eek) which he gave me... and which i found had a slightly dazed, euphoric spin to it... not that i think it could make it as a street drug but i was feeling pretty damn fine when we left there. and i don't remember any conversations i had immediately afterwards either so that's another sign. and that;s about when it hit me. absolutely devastating bottom of the barrel could not move or even cry depression. my therapist told me it's common to follow a major disclosure like that with a deep depression, that in fact it was a retraumatization, that my reaction was perfectly normal, and that the best way to combat it was by doing things as if i were not depressed. yeah well call that impossible. fortunately for me i spent 4 or 5 days doped up on vicoden from the really unbearable pain of the root canal-- i dont know how it hurts after they remove the nerve, but it hurts like a fucking bitch--and laying on the couch staring at the tv eating jello. well my recovery feels like it has been long and painful, but i'm noticing that each day seems to go a little better than the last, and i'm hoping that's a trend that keeps up wil i feel normal again. i have a bunch of other crap to say but i'm tired of typing....

still on the small dose am only. i notice i smoke 3 or 4 cigarettes during the day, then at night when the pill wears off i smoke more. today more often than not the smoking was habitual rather than a craving... in fact i think the first am cig was a craving and that was before i'd taken the pill. other than that it was habitual... certain places, certain times. tomorrow i go up to having a small dose in the am and the pm. i think that will drastically cut my cigs down to maybe 8 a day. at the end of this week, i go to the large dose twice a day and i think then i will not be smoking at all. in other news... a lot of shit went down today and i'm feeling awful. hope this trend doesnt continue.

I started my prescription this morning, a tiny white pill that really didnt look like it could do much. took it and felt high as a kite for about ten minutes, then rembered it said "take with food" so i stuffed down a banana and laid down til the dizziness wore off. after that, i didn't notice any side effects whatsoever. they say that you can smoke the first few days of treatment and i'd fully planned on doing that. so i'd light up when i felt the urge. at the end of the day though, i counted up my cigarettes and realized i only smoked half of what my normal amount is. And, some of those cigarettes felt like i was doing it only out of habit and i shouldn't be doing it. more than once i put out a half cig just cause i didnt want it anymore. we'll see what tomorrow brings...

8 months with you spent "open" or "poly". 8 months of dating other men i wasn't interested in, 8 months of cold lonely friday nights alone, 8 months ofyou trying to buy your way into my heart, 8 months spent improving myself in every fashion i could imagine, 8 months of falling short and being told about it. to get this. a nice "mutual" breakup. i said i was ok with it cause i thought i was. i thought it was for the best. until i felt it. and i said i would give you another chance down the road because i thought i would. i loved you. but now, things are being seen much clearer now. i look back and notice just how many times you made me unhappy and i kept my mouth shut. every time you commented on what was wrong with me i didnt lash out, i just tried to be better for you. now i see its really over. and i see you, for all your faults. and i want the last 8 months back. there will be no madly in love, clinging to each other as much as possible, wild sex every night, sharing of our lives. you never wanted that and you took away a peice of me, the peice that loves cuddling eve if its for ten minutes and i had to drive an hour to get there. i want that head over heels love. and you wouldn't give it to me. even though i waited, 8 long months. here's to goodbye's

i'm 99% sure i accidentally threw out the gift card my best friend got me for christmas. it was worth $40. i'm sooooo irritated. anyone want to buy me a replacement?

For those of you wondering where i've been... i spent 7 days in a hospital psych ward following an intentional overdose. i didnt mean to kill myself, although the reality of what i went through shows that i very nearly did. i just wanted a "break" from life. so i'm home, and still waking up at 7 like i did there. trying to do things a little differently so i dont get so overwhelmed. going to have to pick up white chips at all my meetings. talking more about my feelings. and mostly just taking it one day at a time. oh, i'm smoking again. i fully plan to quit as soon as i get a little better stabilized. ok, a lot better stabilized. did ya miss me?

i smoked 2 cigarettes then i put the patch back on... i'm not starting all over with my quit count because well that would be really discouraging. so right now i'm at 43 days. had a tight chest and shortness of breath for about a day after i smoked those 2... really bad feeling and it just reminded me why i wanted to quit in the first place. i went to my dr today... she increased one of my anti depressants, and gave me some ambien to help me sleep. i was staying away from rx sleep aids because i didnt want to be addicted, however when you've not slept well for months and spent the past 2 nights about 9 hours each night laying awake in bed and not sleeping i think its time to do something about it. i'm so freaking tired right now. i'm changing the meetings i go to... i think now i'm going to go to EA on tuesdays... CoDa on thursdays... my bipolar group on fridays... and if i can find one, a nicotine anon group on maybe mondays. so i can address all of my problems. and not get bored with having the same meeting 3 nights a week. also got another referral from my dr, a therapist group that supposedly takes medicaid, so i'll be calling them tomorrow. i honestly have no faith that the increased dosage of remeron will make any difference in my depression... i think its sad to be on 2 antidepressants at the same time let alone have them not working for shit. have i mentioned lately i hate my disorder? bleh...

i just had my first cigarette in 41 days. my initial reaction is ew it tastes bad, my secondary reaction is omg i cant breathe. i'm not sure yet if i will keep smoking or if i will stay quit. with that being said i know there are a lot of people out there who will be disappointed in me. but, let me say this. i know now for sure that it is possible. takes some hard work, but after about the first two weeks becomes second nature and doesnt take a lot of effort. i know now that next time, i need to get a lot more support than i had this time around. i need to work on calling people when i have cravings, and when i have strong feelings (stress, boredom, anger) how very important it is to talk them out. in short i know i need people a lot more. i know what will work next time. and there will be a next time. as for right now, i'm really struggling. i've been in a depression that's so bad my feelings have actually shut off. for those of you unaware this is known in the psych world as dissociation. however i'm not just doing in it response to unpleasant events. i'm doing it all the fucking time. last night was so bad. i blew up at my boyfriend and my best friend and cut them both off and i didn't feel a thing. not sad, not angry, nothing. and then i did something i havent done in ten months and i thought i would never do again. i cut myself. just a tiny little cut. but boy after i did it, it released a flood of emotion like nothing i've ever felt before. i haven't cried like that in years. so this. my friends, tells me something is really wrong. i've been faking it all this time when really i'm desperately sick and badly in need of help. i'm not going to the hospital this time. the function of the hospital is to keep me safe. i dont feel i'm in danger of suicide. i do think i'm in need of a possible medication change (i see my dr on monday) and some serious therapy. i think i'm also in need of expanding my support network, which means going to more meetings and probably getting a part time job. and for now, probably smoking. when things calm down a little... when i'm a little healthier... when i have the support system and the coping skills in place that i need to stay stable... then i'll quit again and stick with it. for now, i have to take care of me. and if that means some unhealthy coping skills, for the time being i'm willing to accept that. i don't want to end up back in the hospital or worse, much worse, dead by my own hand. so i'm taking some steps back to try to recover what was lost. i hope you understand.

i've not smoked 26 days... having kind of a rough one, keep having to eat hard candy to fight cravings. went from 21 mg patch to 14 mg. 2 days to 1 month!

My name is Angela, and I am a nicotine addict. I have stopped nicotine for 25 days, 54 minutes and 14 seconds (25 days). I've not smoked 501 death sticks, and saved $87.72. I've saved 1 day, 17 hours and 43 minutes of my life. was craving really bad this afternoon... couldn't figure out why... then realized i forgot my patch. oops... tomorrow is a big day! i step down to the 14 mg patch from 21!