I just don't know anymore about the way people are. I used to think there was good in everybody, but I do believe that I am finding that the good that should be in everybody dissipates whenever they don't get their way.
I have feelings for somebody, somebody who has the ability to make me truly happy, but at the same time this person makes me so mad I want to rage, but not violently at her, I'm not that kind of guy. I know that I'm not perfect, and everybody makes mistakes, but there are times where I know that I'm right, and I just need for somebody to agree with me on how I feel. I don't need them to fix my problem, just agree with me so I don't feel so alone in the way I feel.
I know that I need to improve my life, and I do believe that if I would have made better decisions in my life that our relationship wouldn't have turned out so bad, and I do still blame myself for us not being together... And no matter how much anybody else wants to tell me different, that feeling will never go away.
I also feel that my outgoing personality may be overshadowing the other parts, the parts that make me unique. I'm not claiming to be the best and nicest guy in the world, but I'm a good guy with an amazing amount of passion for music. Music is my life, and it consumes me, and drives me to do things in my life. It's the reason i wake up, and how i fall asleep at night, and without it... I'm not sure if I could even survive.
I've also been dealing with that fact that I have a hard time opening up to people... don't ask me why it's easier in a blog... maybe it's because i doubt anybody will actually care enough to read it which makes it easy... I guess... But not opening up has begun to hurt not only me, but a couple others that are close to me that I've pushed away because I don't want the possibility of being hurt even close to me. I know everybody thinks that maybe if they love enough that somebody will come back to them... but I don't think that love will do that... it's not a force of nature, it's not just that warm fuzzy feeling in your belly, or the butterflies. Those are all nice, but I firmly believe that love is something you feel that when you first know you love somebody it's like the big drop off on a roller coaster. Will I die? Will I make it out of this without permanent scars? Will I enjoy it? Will this person even love me back?
Unfortunately, nobody has the answers to these questions, you have to go find out yourself, but I will say this. You can't force somebody to love you back. This is something that they have to realize without you pushing the word on them every day until they just feel guilty enough to say it back. And I know that every time we get into a relationship we all think "this might be the one I love" but love isn't going to make a relationship easy, it actually makes it harder in some cases because what if the person goes to college? what if they end up moving to another state? Do you follow them? Or do you continue to do whatever it is you need to do where you're at?
Ok, so I'm just kinda rambling now, I'd love to see what you all think.
