Fubarian Flirtologist's blog: "Fun stuff!"

The Italian Loan An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and Asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer That he was going to Italy on business for two weeks And needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a Depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need Some form of security for the loan, so the Italian Handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was Parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and everything checked Out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as Collateral for the loan and apologized for having to Charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all Enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank' s underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 And the interest of $23.07. The loan officer Said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your Business, and this transaction has worked out very Nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were Away, we checked you out and found that you are a Multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you Bother to borrow $5,000?' The Italian replied: 'Minga, where else in New York City Can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and Expect it to be there when I return?' Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!

THE VIBRATOR As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

Every Voice Counts "Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!" Horton called. "Mr. Mayor! You've got to prove now that you really are there! So call a big meeting. Get everyone out. Make every Who holler! Make every Who shout! Make every Who scream! If you don't, every Who Is going to end up in a Beezle-Nut stew!" And, down on the dust speck, the scared little Mayor Quick called a big meeting in Who-ville Town Square. And his people cried loudly. They cried out in fear: "We are here! We are here! We are here! We are here!" The elephant smiled: "That was clear as a bell. You kangaroos surely heard that very well." "All I heard," snapped the big kangaroo, "was the breeze, And the faint sound of wind through the far-distant trees. I heard no small voices. And neither did you" ... Throughout the town rushed the Mayor, from the east to the west. But everyone seemed to be doing his best. Everyone seemed to be yapping or yipping! Everyone seemed to be beeping or bipping! But it wasn't enough, all this ruckus and roar! He HAD to find someone to help him make more. He raced through each building! He searched floor-to-floor! And, just as he felt he was getting nowhere, And almost about to give up in despair, He suddenly burst through a door and that Mayor Discovered one shirker! Quite hidden away In the Fairfax Aprtments (Apartment 12-J) A very small, very small shirker named Jo-Jo Was standing, just standing, and bouncing a Yo-Yo! Not making a sound! Not a yipp! Not a chirp! And the Mayor rushed inside and he grabbed the young twerp! And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red To come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, The lad cleared his throat and he shouted out, "YOPP!" And the Yopp... That one small, extra Yopp put it over! Finally, at last! From that speck on that clover Their voices were heard! They rang out clear and clean. And the elephant smiled. "Do you see what I mean?... They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their whole world was saved by the Smallest of All!" Taken from "Horton Hears a Who!" by Dr. Seuss "A person's a person. No matter how small."

Wayne Dyer’s Top 8 Tips for Building a Better Social Life Published by Henrik Edberg December 12th, 2008 in Personal Development, People Skills and Success. "Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed." "Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you." One of my favourite personal development people is the psychologist Wayne Dyer. He seems to be a very warm person but he also someone who takes a lot personal responsibility and is assertive. This is reflected in his work. He's kind but he's not here just to make you feel good. Through a no-nonsense approach he makes you realize obvious – but sometimes uncomfortable - things about how pretty much all of this is up to you. And how many things are quite simple but you are standing in your own way and overcomplicating it all. Dr. Dyer's advice can be applied to just about any part of life. Today I'd like to take a few of his thoughts and see how they can help you improve your social life. If you would like to read more from Wayne Dyer then two really solid books to start with are Pulling Your Own Strings and Your Erroneous Zones. 1. Your relationships are in your mind. "As you think so shall you be! Since you cannot physically experience another person, you can only experience them in your mind. Conclusion: All of the other people in your life are simply thoughts in your mind. Not physical beings to you, but thoughts. Your relationships are all in how you think about the other people of your life. Your experience of all those people is only in your mind. Your feelings about your lovers come from your thoughts. For example, they may in fact behave in ways that you find offensive. However, your relationship to them when they behave offensively is not determined by their behavior, it is determined only by how you choose to relate to that behavior. Their actions are theirs, you cannot own them, you cannot be them, you can only process them in your mind." "Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world." "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." How you choose to interpret people and your relationships makes a huge difference. So much of our relationships may be perceived to happen out there somewhere. But your underlying frame of mind – for instance an open one or a protective and closed up one - will determine much about your interactions with new people and people you know. So you really have to go inside. You have to realize that your interpretations from the past are interpretations. Not reality. You have to take a look at your assumptions and expectations and thought habits. Find patterns that may be hurting you (and others). This isn't easy. Or always pleasant. You may discover that you have had some negative underlying habits of thought for many years. But to change you have to do it. Instead of just keep looking at yourself as some sort of unmoving and objective observer of the world and reality. A change in you could – over time – change your whole world. 2. Let go of the need for approval. "People who want the most approval get the least and the people who need approval the least get the most." A lot of the actions you take – or do not take - may be because you need approval from other people. When we are young we get grades in school that tells us that we are "good". This makes it very easy to create a life where you always go looking for the world to give you the next hit of approval. It may be from your family, boss, friends, co-workers and so on. But this need creates neediness. And the stronger the need the stronger the neediness. And so other people will sense this. And approval may be withheld or used to manipulate you. Or they may just not like your neediness. The people on the other hand that does not care that much about getting approval often do more of what they want deep inside. They may be considered courageous for instance. So the way they live their lives will gain appreciation and approval from the people around them. It's a bit counterintuitive. But it seems to me like this is how things work. If you really want approval in your life try letting go of that need - as best as you can of course, this is not easy - for a while. See what happens. You'll probably be surprised by how much better you feel inside and the reactions you may get from the outside world. 3. Let go of judgement. "When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself." "Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgment of others." "Judgement prevents us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances." Judging can have a sense of fun to it and make you feel better about yourself as you put someone else down. So why give it up? Here are three reasons: People don't like judgemental people. People don't like to be judged. So there will be a resistance towards someone who is judgemental. Waste of time. You can spend your time doing more fun, constructive and positive things. The more you judge people, the more judge yourself. What you see in other people is often what you see in yourself. So if you judge them all the time for their looks or intelligence then you probably judge yourself often about these things too. To let go of judging others can lead you to letting go of judging yourself too. As you lift the limitations you put on others, you lift the limitations you put on yourself. 4. Enjoy the moment. "When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way." One technique that can help you improve your social skills is assuming rapport. Basically, instead of going into a conversation or meeting nervously and thinking "how will this go?" you take different approach. You assume that you and the person will establish a good connection (rapport). How do you do that? You simply pretend that you are meeting one of your best friends. Then you start the interaction in that frame of mind instead of the nervous one. But why does it work? Well, I'd say it works because it puts you in the same mental state as when you are with your friends. When you're with your friends you are relaxed, positive, in the present moment and without many cares in the world. This is a great place to be socially. You are just enjoying yourself and your moments with your friends without much thought of the past or future. You are just there. The more you can bring yourself into this mental headspace the more fun you will have with people. And the more fun they will have with you. So try out assuming rapport. And explore other ways to bring yourself back into the present moment through articles like this one or by checking out Eckhart Tolle's books (two good are A New Earth and Stillness Speaks). 5. People like positive people. "Unhappiness is within." "Simply put, you believe that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not accurate. You make yourself unhappy." Now we are back in the same territory as in the first tip in this article. How you feel is up to you. You control you. This is important to understand to be able to create and keep a more stable positive attitude. If you let what other people do control – or at least control you too much – then you are on a mental rollercoaster where your thoughts and feelings go up and down all the time. You have to look within to find a great stability to how you think and feel. I'd say that one of the most attractive qualities a person can have is a positive attitude and energy. It is attractive to people at your job/school, family, friends or just that cute girl/guy in the bar. I think that one of the big things people want in any relationships is positive emotions. People simply want to create a flow back and forth with people where all of you exchange positive emotions and feel good. Building yourself a more positive attitude will of course not only make you more likeable. It can also improve every other part of your life. Check out Take The Positivity Challenge! for more tips on how to create a positive attitude. 6. You teach them. "Maxim for life: You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you." This is a very important point and something I think is perhaps often missed by people who want to improve their social lives and make it more positive. They may think "well, I have been so nice towards everyone for the last few months but it doesn't seem to have changed their behaviour towards me much". This is the "nice guy/girl" problem. S/he is very nice but there is no assertiveness. There is no changed feeling within about how you feel you deserve to be treated. You may still be nice just to get approval from other people. You feel the craving need. And as point 2 explains, you won't get the approval. We do to a large extent choose how we want to be treated. How you expect people to treat you can have a big effect on how you allow yourself to act and how people around you view and treat you. If you start creating a role for yourself where you always let people do what they want to you then you may create some pretty destructive and negative things. You may create an identity for yourself where you get used to always taking whatever anyone doles out. You create a kind of victim identity where you may look happy on the outside but don't feel so good on the inside. But since you have gotten used to it after a while you may accept it and think that: this is just who I am. You may create a concept in the minds of the people around you that it's OK to treat you this way. Either because you seem so positive despite what they are doing so they think it's OK. Or just because you aren't saying no and some people may take advantage of that. Look, you can't please everyone. I think both Eleanor Roosevelt and Buddha have mentioned something along the lines that whatever you do there will always be people who don't like what you are doing. And that's OK. That's normal. Going around trying to please everyone at your own expense isn't healthy though. Or even a realistic thing to attempt. It eats away at you both mentally and physically. So be nice. Be positive. But make sure you set your own standards, rules and limits too. And remember that you might as well do what you want because there will always be critics. 7. Take responsibility for your social life. "Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice." I really like this quote from Nathaniel Branden's excellent The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: "No one is coming". You can look for the next big thing that will fix you. Read more blog articles. Read more personal development books. Look for people to help. And yes, some articles or books or people will give you insights that resonate deeply with you. But in the end, if you are an adult then no one is coming. No one is coming to save you. You have to take responsibility for your own life and what happens in it. Other things and people can certainly aid you quite a bit. But you are responsible. You can go around blaming society or some people for your problems in your social life (or finances or health). You can always find scapegoats to judge and thought that feel better about yourself. For a while. You can look for people that will "fix you". You can do this for the rest of your life if you like. It won't change much. Whatever has to be done, it's you who have to take responsibility and do it. Yeah, things might always not go your way and you will probably have bad luck from time to time. But you still have to focus on yourself and doing what you can do in whatever situation may arise in the outside world. 8. Like yourself. "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with." Liking yourself is vital to live a happy life. If you like yourself people will of course like hanging out with your more too. A person who likes him/herself, who is positive but also assertive is a lot better than the opposite. Obvious, yes but the hard thing is how to go about liking yourself more. This is a topic that has filled many books but here are few tips that have helped me. Follow the rest of tips above. For example, taking more personal responsibility, working on your attitude and being more assertive consistently will make you feel better about yourself. Do the right thing as much as you can. When you do the right thing you lift your own self-esteem. When you don't do the right thing you tend to stay at the same self-esteem level that you are at the moment (or perhaps even lower it). Be appreciative of yourself, don't just look at your flaws. By appreciating the positive and good things that you think and do you can replace the need for approval from outside sources. You are giving yourself approval instead. This is a lot better than the alternative, because this is an unlimited source that you are in control of.

The last one is the best! I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned- that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned- that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse. I've learned- that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do. I've learned- that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I've learned- that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned- that you can keep going long after you can't. I've learned- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned- that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. I've learned- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned- that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned- that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned- that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it. I've learned- that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological. I've learned- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned- that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least. I've learned- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned- that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned- that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned- that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I've learned- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I've learned- that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned- that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings, and standing up for what you believe. I've learned- that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Some lessons in life ... take em or leave em. Always err on the side of generosity. In case of emergency, keep loose change and a handkerchief in every pair of pants you own. Don’t toot your own horn. Take pleasure in small things - a warm sweater licorice Allsorts a fuchsia flower a joke anything Irish a cup of tea finches building a nest on the porch. Be courteous and respectful of everyone. Always be a kid at heart. If you want to make a point, quote scripture. Never mistreat a book, for books are your friends. Don’t throw anything away that might be useful some day - you never know when you'll need another scrap of paper, a rubber band, an extra toothbrush, an old magazine, or a stale piece of gum. Always keep several stashes of candy, preferably chocolate, for yourself and guests. A glass of Sherry aids digestion. Write thank-you notes. Don’t raise your voice in anger.

Found these online ... some are true and others are funny, then there is just damn stupid. ENJOY! 100 things to know about women 100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you. 99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line. 98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her. 97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible. 96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift. 95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world. 94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean. 93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not. 92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile. 91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends. 90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car. 89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from K-Mart. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it. 88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Ginger, 27 87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion. 86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard. 85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her “Gwen” might be bottled. 84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed. 83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true. 82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men. 81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship. 80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it. 79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had. 78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Alicia S, 21 77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married. 76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you. 75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash. 74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Amanda, 31 73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10. 72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice. 71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26 70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians. 69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it. 68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females. 67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.” 66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense. 65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win. 64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man is between 5’10 and 6’2. 63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon. 62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent. 61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions. 60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas. 59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35 58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29. 57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash. 56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year. 54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” - Erin 25. 53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004. 52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair. 51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking fine,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed. 50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand. 49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal. 48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure. 47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers. 46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Gin and or Vodka helps. 45. Twenty-three percent of men’s magazine readers are women. 44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal, which some men are into, but I think is border line homosexual. 41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion. 40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble. 39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it. 38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet. 37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s. 36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Camille, 28 35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds. 34. Chick songs strike a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Alicia Keys song. It’s only about four minutes long. 33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Nasty! 32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat. 31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP. 30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 26 29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat. 28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know. 27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some strippers’ cleavage. 26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice. 25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you. 24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements. 23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often. 22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time. 21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat. 20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way. 19. The more piercing she has, the more places she’ll let you put it. 18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it. 17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy. 16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask. 15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys. 14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early. 13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Amanda, 28 12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps. 11. She likes one of your friends. 10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason. 9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last. 8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oreal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent). 7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid. 6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.) 5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives. 4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint? 3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.” 2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out. 1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. Five really means somewhere between 12 and 35 ..>..>..

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear... 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Susie didn't stir f rom her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question... 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' The nun fainted............