I have failed, I have mocked myself, I have seen happiness, yet every time I reach for it, it eludes me. I can see the world for what it truly is. A cold, dark, desolate place. I want things that I will never have, and I know that with every piece of my being, yet I still want, I still need. I don't see things the way you do. I don't see things as cut and dried, black and white. My wings have been clipped, and though I will forever cherish those beautiful moments in which I had them, I know that I will never have them back. I let myself think that anything was possible, now I know just how truly blind I am. I know that nothing is possible anymore. I can't see why I do this to myself, and I don't understand why I allow it to happen. I am broken, and I have nothing left to hold on to. I've fallen into the deepest depths time and time again, and just when I begin to think there is a way to survive, there is a way out, I'm plunged back into that cold and lonely place. I'll never be good enough for anyone. I'll never have that one thing that I want most, and that is to be cherished. To be adored, to give all that I possibly can, and have it returned to me 100% by someone who can and will do the same for me, instead of handing back to me all the little pieces of myself. I am tired, and I no longer have the ability to pick myself up again. I wish I knew what to do next. I wish....but wishing is for fools, and I am the biggest one of them all.
"All you will ever feel is pain. No one will ever love you, you aren't worth it. You'll never be good enough. You're useless. I've taken everything from you, and I will revel in the glory of knowing that I was the reason for breaking you, I was the reason for taking all of it from you." I've memorized those words, they have been burned into my memory from the moment he spoke them to me, and I've come to believe them. They're true, and he was very right. His words will continue to ring inside my head every day for the rest of my existence.
I'm sorry to all those who have been caused pain by my words, my actions, or at my hands. I wish that I could change it, but I can't. You never deserved it. I never deserved you. You were far too wonderful for me, and to hold on to any hope that I possibly ever did deserve you, was wrong of me. Thank you for being part of me, for gracing me with your presence though I never deserved it. You're a beautiful person and you deserve all the happiness that I will never have.
