ugh god. how in the holiest of shitasses did I end up back here.

Relationship status - hasn't had to hold in a fart in a long time.

Ay mi morena, Que me gusta lo mejor.

just noticed I am a lot like Dexter. only instead of killing bad people, I just killed a burrito and took a 45 minute nap in my shower.

giving up sobriety for lent.

ugh, you all are still here.

The first time I had sex I lasted roughly 17 seconds. Proud to say I easily triple that number these days

Off to Las Vegas. If I die? you all get my Star Wars Toys.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Ass so fat it swims with a shirt on.

I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri Sun on the first try...

OH LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOUR BABY WAS ALLERGIC TO BEING SHAKEN EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO BRING JOY TO AN INFANTS LIFE

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Not many things make me as happy then when I hear the drums come in on 'In The Air Tonight"

I'm back. what did I miss. fuck off. penis.

Fat reduced oreos? More like happiness reduced oreos.

If Guns N' Roses had GPS in the 80's, "Sweet Child of Mine" would be exactly 1 minute & 37 seconds shorter. (Take your time. I'll wait here.)

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants...

I just want someone to build pillow forts and eat pizza rolls with me.

Well well well, it looks like Mr. Fart Real Bad And Ruin The Whole Orgy For Everyone Else finally decided to show his face around his friends again.