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It's taco Tuesday, and I don't have any tacos. This makes me sad inside.

:I don't want to adult today. I don't even want to human today. Today, I want to dog. I'll be lying on the floor in the sun. Please pet me and bring me snacks.

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning.

I'm going to start a lemonade stand for all you thirsty fu-ckers in my inbox/sb.

Do you ever meet someone for the first time and realize you want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

Well aren't you a little ray of pitch black.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to your ego and jump to your IQ.

Stay classy, fu-ckers.