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I saw this on another website and instead of just posting a link, I thought I would share my own mashup on this subject. There are many reasons to start a Friends with Benefits relationship. The problem is, these things have a tendency to go south pretty quick, in a bad way. Maybe you just got out of a relationship and aren’t ready for something serious. Maybe you have a really hot friend. Maybe you live alone and don’t have cable. No need to fear. Just follow these rules for a mess-free Friends with Benefits arrangement!
1. Pick someone you wouldn’t normally date. Okay, this is important. This will ensure that you don’t accidently fall in love, or at least postpone it for as long as possible. I suggest someone you dont feel socially compatible with. Maybe even someone of an alternate race, ethnicity to spice up the intrigue.
2. Insist that things will not get complicated. It’s just sex. What’s complicated about that? All you’re doing is engaging in the most intimate act two people can perform, on a regular basis with someone whom you’re attracted to. You’re a solo pilot, taking on the big sky, in control of your own destiny and making your own choices. God speed, Superhero!
3. Don’t text them for anything other than sex. Don’t make up excuses to text, like how your super was a jerk today, or you saw this really nice sunset. Keep your messages focused on future hookups only. And for that matter, keep them succinct and free of too much sexual innuendo. You never know who they're sharing texts with.
4. Have them slap you across the butt. Friends with Benefits are like sexual test kitchens, and tonight you’re dressed as Dennis Rodman as she sits on your face. Seriously, this is an opportunity to try all that stuff you were too embarrassed to try in previous relationships. Experiment, have fun, and please share the details here!
5. Don’t make breakfast. Don’t even keep food in your fridge except for ramen noodles and some old fruit. You need to make your apartment as uninviting as possible in the morning. You don’t want her sticking around plundering your smartphone or messing with your Netflix queue. That’s girlfriend stuff. If anything, she gets 30 minutes and a bagel; then it’s out the door.
6. Don’t kiss her goodbye. Remember, this is not a relationship. Remind yourself of this by having incredibly uncomfortable goodbyes devoid of affection and eye contact. A pat on the arm or a shoulder squeeze does nicely in a pinch. If you’re not sure what to say as she eases out the door, "catch ya later, buddy" works nicely or an unenthusiastic "later, babe!" is also fine.
7. Break it off after three months (or don’t). Three months is the longest amount of time one can sustain this kind of relationship without it getting complicated. After three months, it’s an emotional free for all. You’re probably going to start getting cosmic about the whole thing. Time to refer back to rule number two, and continue onward despite your best interest. Just remember you’ve been warned.
8. Dont fall in love! If the fact that she owns a foosball table but not a microwave has suddenly gone from sad to charming, congratulations! You’re sadly deluded while you’re only a few commitment free nights away from choosing your children’s names. But wait, do you even know her last name? Do you even know when is her birthday? Should you care?
9. Reach your breaking point. Friends with Benefits are like junk food. They’re addictive and delicious, but they don’t sustain you, and one day you’re going to wake up in a bed of metaphorical Snickers wrappers and think crap, what am I doing? Time to sit down with yourself and ask, is this actually going anywhere or am I just backing myself into an emotional corner? If the answers are no, and corner, please refer to the next rule...
10. Send her on her way. This is the way your relationship ends. Not with a bang (although try to squeeze one more in if you can), but with a whimper. Yes, it hurts, but you’ve done the right thing. Remember when you started this, and you went on to your friends about how you’re a strong, independent, man? It’s still true, despite the fact that you managed to fall in love with a part-time aeorobics instructor who keeps saying “hella.” Now you’re sitting in the dark at the kitchen table at 2 a.m., crying in beer and listening to 'The Love I Lost" on repeat. Hey, we’re all allowed one. Just remember that you’re going to be fine. Take a few minutes, then turn off the music and turn on Netflix.
