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TUESDAY'S JOKE
A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast. 'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?''Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.''Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?''When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''****************************************************************************************************
WEDNESDAY'S JOKES
What's the definition of a tragedy? A busload of attorneys crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future attorney? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense attorney.****************************************************************************************************
THURSDAY'S JOKE
Nursing home sex... Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chatand before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,“Do you know what I miss most of all?
She asks, “What?
“Sex! he replies.
Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gunto your head!
“I know, Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.
“Well, I can oblige, says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes hismanhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly eachnight in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would holdHarold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by thepool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethelhave that I don't have?
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson's.
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FRIDAY'S JOKE
I'll drink to that!
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you had purchased $1,000.00 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. ... But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg plan.
And, as a bonus... a recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol per year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon! ***************************************************************************************************
SATURDAY'S JOKES
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."
Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
