Wonder Woman's blog: "SpecialMe"

Stole July 2006 Jenna began dating her ex-husband again. She needed someone badly, and he was there. Danielle was due any day, so Jenna gathered boxes full of baby clothes and bottles for the new baby, Xavier. Jenna couldn't stand to stay at the trailer alone, so she and Zachary had been staying with Mark, a block from Deanna and Danielle. Jenna took the baby things down to Danielle and sat to talk for a while. Deanna was at Tracy's place with her, Derek, and the kids. Danielle talked to Jenna about parenting. She was afraid, this was her first baby and she was going to raise him alone. Jenna told her everything she knew and everything she remembered "Mom Brenda" had told her about raising kids. She knew how upset Danielle was that her mom wasn't there for the birth of her first child, so Jenna did the best she could to reassure her and answer all her questions. They saw a neighbor drive by with subs bumping, music as loud as it could go, and a baby in the backseat. Danielle was furious! She vowed to never put her son through that. "Once they're old enough to tell you if it's too loud, you can turn it up, but if they can't communicate with you, there's no reason to have the music up that loud." Danielle explained and Jenna agreed. They also agreed that it wasn't right to smoke around small babies and that classical music was good for kids. Danielle told Jenna she was being induced that week and that she would call her as soon as they got home from the hospital. The baby's first night home, Danielle asked Jenna to stay the night and help her take care of him. Of course, Jenna said she would. Every 2 hours, Jenna got up and changed the baby for her. She showed the new mommy the easiest way to make him bottles and the different ways to burp him. Danielle was exhausted, so Jenna took over for the rest of the night. It was time for Jenna to face her fears. She needed to go home, back to the trailer. Jenna hated it there now. Everywhere she looked, she thought of Derek. She missed him and still hated herself for letting her guard down so soon. Jenna had no car, no phone, and was stuck 6 miles away from civilization. She made it a week before she had the urge to go back over to Deanna and Danielle's house. She didn't know why, but she knew she needed to be there. In the back of her mind, she was hoping to talk to Derek. She hadn't seen or spoken to him since the night he left. She needed an explanation, she needed closure. Jenna tried to use other outlets to make the pain go away instead of cutting, so she wrote: "4 AM: I was awoken by my ex-husband. He said someone had come and banged on the door and that I needed to wake up. I sat up and tried to open my eyes, when I heard him say, the words I have grown to hate hearing from him, "You need to wake up, so-and-so's here." That always meant someone in my family has died, again. "Danielle's being taken away by ambulance." He said. "What's wrong, what happened?" He didn't know anything. I ran as fast as I possibly could, asthma attack and all, in my pajama's down 6th street at 4 am. I could see their place from my driveway, so as soon as I left out the door, I saw 2 ambulances, lights on, but no siren, and I don't see anyone rushing anywhere.. Confused, I was thinking maybe, she's okay, it was just a scare, maybe she had a bad asthma attack, and she's okay now. I get to the door, and immediately grab Danielle's pride and joy, little Xavier. He's fussy, and scared, 1 week old and dealing with all this confusion. As I feed the baby, Deanna's 1 year old daughter, Gracie, comes up to me whining and scared, begging for me to pick her up. Of course I do. So holding 2 babies at once, I finally start asking what's happening. Deanna's crying, freaking out hardcore. "It's just like mom, it's the same thing!" she starts sobbing even harder. I tell her, "Danielle>Dani will be just fine, you know she's going to be okay, don't think like that" "No, Jenna, She stopped breathing, she was turning blue! I had to do CPR on her. Gracie and Xavier saw it all!", now she's got that same terrified, scared to death look on her face that she had the day mom died. "Deanna honey, you're strong, we can do this, Dani isn't going anywhere, just take a deep breath, and we can do this." I reassure my best friend, honestly believing what I was saying. We load up the kids and diaper bags. Derek and Tracy show up, wonderful. I don't think I can handle this. We all meet up at the ER. Where we wrestle the two kids, while trying to deal with the fact that none of the nurses or doctors will tell us anything at all. Deanna is calling their father, telling him what happened, when the doctor starts gathering everyone into a small room to the side. They come up and tell Deanna they need to talk to her, but she's busy with her father, and doesn't hang up immediately. The nurse looks at me, with "that look". I know that. look. I hate that look.. I poke Deanna, and say, "Honey, we need to talk to the doctor." knowing what was about to come. We go into this room. I'm holding Gracie, Tracy has Xavier. They begin by asking who everyone is, and we all introduce ourselves; Tracy is introduced as the sister in law, and Derek introduces me as the family friend. They begin to tell us that they couldn't resuscitate Danielle. When those words hit, everyone lost it, except for the kids and me. I am sitting there, watching a family, which has already endured an enormous loss just 9 months ago, fall to pieces once again. This time without the rock of the family, Danielle. I was in shock, and couldn't believe that God would allow such a thing. Just a mere week after a 19-year-old girl gives birth?! By now, I'm crying, scared to know what will happen now without our beloved Dani. They take us back to the ER room. There she is. On the table, like she's just asleep. We're all breaking down now. Gracie is looking at us, so freaked out. I hadn't even thought about the fact that I probably shouldn't have brought her in there to see Danielle. I try to get Tracy to give me Xavier, in an attempt to get the kids out of that room, but she refuses. I left the room with Gracie, and went outside to smoke, still bawling and trying to calm down for little Gracie. One by one, they all come outside. Even in the midst of this horrible tragedy in "our" family, Tracy doesn't let Derek and me near each other for more than a few seconds. I want to run up and hold Derek and just cry with him, the same as when mom died 9 months ago, but I know I'm not "allowed" to touch him since she was there. Relationship or not, blood or not, we're still family damn it, and even without the blood between us all, I needed comfort too. The next week is a blur. We go to the funeral home, set everything up. I stayed by Deanna's side, helping with both the kids all the way until the funeral day, which was 3 days after the wake, near Chicago. I remember the first time Derek kissed me after Dani died. I felt like he was just being a whore, but I needed him. I needed someone. I wasn't blood so no one thought that I might need a little support. Sometimes I really believe that just like soul mates- as in relationships, it also goes for friendships. I believe that Deanna and her family were meant to be my best friends/family for life. All that we've gone though, so much pain, so many good times, and so many memories. I will always claim them as my family, best friends, soul mates. I only hope that Tracy and I can someday settle our differences about the whole Derek thing. We have spoken about it, forgiven each other, and even hung out, but I can still feel awkwardness. Deanna will always be in my life, I've decided I couldn't get rid of her, and she couldn't get rid of me even if we tried out hardest! Family is family no Marker what kind, and family does not quit." "Dreams and Fears Just like dreams, fears come true We learned this when we lost you Your dream came true when he was born But our fears came true when you were torn Your long life was ripped away Now you watch us as we pray And although we wish you hadn't had to go We'll all make sure to let Xavier know His mommy was strong, proud, and pure We're all so lucky to have ever known her She was so caring, sweet, and always true And with every ounce of her soul, she loves you She's watching us now, from up above Sad that we must grieve, but sending all her love She wants us to know, it'll all be okay And that we'll all see her again someday" A friend of Jenna's lived across the street from Mark. Kara invited her over to drink for the night, so Jenna went there and planned to drink herself into oblivion. A fifth of whiskey later, Jenna was plastered and Kara had passed out when the bottle was halfway gone. No one wants to sit around by themselves when they're drunk, so Jenna started calling all of her friends. Her friend, Matt, AKA Pumba, came over to hang out with her. She went across the street to let her ex-husband know that he would be hanging out with her and to check on her baby boy. Jenna remembered opening her eyes as Pumba put his dick in her mouth. She was passed out, and once again, being raped. "Suck that dick baby, yeah put it in your mouth" she heard him saying. That sick bastard needed to be shot, but no one was there to help her. She was in and out of consciousness. The next time she came to, she heard a loud knock on Kara's front door as Pumba jumped off of her and ran to the living room, letting Jenna fall to the floor. As Jenna curled up on the floor she just cried and held herself. Would it ever stop? What had she done to deserve this again? She had done something wrong. She trusted a man. Jenna's ex-husband, Mark, and Pumba appeared in the doorway looking down at Jenna. She felt like a freak of nature on exhibit. For a few moments she was terrified that her husband had come to join in on Pumba's festivities, but thankfully it wasn't like that. "Why the hell is my ex-wife lying on the floor half naked crying while you're standing here sweating and out of breath?" Mark asked the so-called friend. She heard her ex-husband asking Pumba what was going on and he replied that Jenna was so drunk that she passed out on the toilet and he merely carried her to bed. The next morning, Jenna woke up next to her ex-husband. He began telling her everything that had happened that she could not remember. When Jenna passed out, Pumba carried her to the bedroom. Mark happened to be outside smoking at the time, and when he saw the bedroom light come on and then go right back off he got worried. He began calling both Kara and Pumba's phones, but no one was answering. Pumba finally opened the door. That was when they came into the doorway in front of Jenna. Mark simply asked Pumba what happened, and once he realized he was lying, he merely told him it was time for Pumba to leave. Her ex-husband let that man leave the house and did nothing. Jenna went into a frenzy once he left. Mark could only calm her when he backed away from her and calmly called her Jenna Lou or Lou-Lou, the names her Aunt Mandy and close family always called her. Mark said that Jenna wouldn't let anyone touch her. She went and hid in the bathtub at one point so that no one could get to her. She started begging Mark for a knife, she needed it right then. She needed to punish herself, she should've known not to trust a man. She knew better. Mark refused. "If you don't stop talking like that right now, I will call Brandon." Mark said. Brandon was a fellow poet Jenna had never met, but she valued their internet friendship more than most friendships she had at that point. A few days before, Brandon gave Jenna his number and told her to call anytime to talk. Mark knew how much Brandon meant to her, and he saved the number in his phone. "I know how much you respect that man, and you know damn well he wouldn't approve of the shit you're talking about. Now, do you want me to call him or not?" Mark said. She didn't want to talk to Brandon then. She was drunk, she was raped, she wanted to cut and Brandon would be disappointed. Jenna finally calmed down and let Mark touch her once Kara was awake. She took a few anxiety pills and Mark took her home to sleep. Jenna had been raped by someone she had known for 4 years. Someone she thought was a friend. Life Goes On Jenna self injured again when Danielle died, but Mark kept her from doing it after the rape. Instead she talked with Brandon online and avoided the subject. Jenna wasn't sure she would make it; Pa-Pa, Aunt Mandy, Baby Johnny, Brenda, Sabrina, and now Danielle, on top of the heartache she still felt from Derek. She just wasn't sure she could handle anymore, but she tried to go on. "Is it ever going to end?" She asked God. Zachary turned 2 years old in August. Jenna was more excited than she had been in a long time; her baby boy was growing up. It was only 2 weeks after his birthday that Zachary sat on his own for the first time. He was doing well in therapy, not throwing as many temper tantrums. Everyone was pleased with his progress since the divorce. In fact, it wasn't until Jenna got Zachary in her custody full time that he finally started gaining weight, sitting up, attempting to stand, and speak. Jenna was proud of her son and herself. Derek told Jenna that he had to stay with Tracy because he was on parole and she could send him back to prison if he pissed her off enough. Jenna had a very hard time believing his story, but she let herself keep loving him anyway. The months went by and things seemed better a lot of the time. After a bit, Jenna began to feel like a whore. He only spent time with her when they had sex. Was that all he wanted? Jenna began to believe that Derek was still in love with his ex-wife. Although she knew you can't change what you feel, she was still upset. If he did love her, he should have told Jenna, she thought. Jenna still had a few fleeting feelings of love for her ex-husband, but in whole, her heart belonged to Derek, and now it was just a waiting game to see if he would return that winter once he was taken off parole. Jenna started to see that being a single mother was a lot harder then she thought. It would have been easier if Zachary didn't have therapy 3 times a week, or doctor visits every single month, but Jenna would never want him any other way, and "if this is how it's gotta be" she thought, "this is how it's gonna be." "Specialty Peek A Boo And Hide N seek Today it's you Forget next week The doctors call Calendar fills up Spring to fall Never lets up today my son, Is ours alone Lock that door And turn off the phone Your smile so bright and eyes so wide In my sight There's nothing to hide Toys and things Scatter the floor The phone doesn't ring But we play no more So, Goodnight sweet baby Sweet dreams to you And next week maybe We'll forget therapy, too!" After Danielle passed away, Jenna realized how fleeting life can be. If something were to happen to her while Zachary was young, she wanted him to have something to know her by. So, Jenna did what she does best, she wrote: "Sunday, October 29, 2006 Zachary, You can finally sit on your own. You need a little help getting into the sitting position, but you can sit by yourself for at least 5 minutes at a time! You shake your head yes and no. Usually you say no, though! You're very brave these days. You couldn't care less if you bump your head as long as you get to where you want to go. You love to smile at people, but only if they smile first. You've become quiet the ladies' man! Your favorite food is chocolate! Cake, donuts, ice cream, anything chocolate! Your favorite cookies are milano cookies. You will only take one bite from oreos or chips ahoy before throwing them down. You're so picky! You love looking in mirrors! I hope you aren't going to be conceited! You always stick out your tongue and make silly faces while you look at your reflection. You have just learned to nod your head to music. You usually only do it to slow rock songs, like Hinder- "Lips of an angel". You love to watch me dance silly to your abc song! Sometimes mommy acts nuts, but you like it, so it's okay! You still don't look exactly like me or your father. You're a perfect mix of us both. You're so handsome! You go see your father and grandmother every other weekend. Your father usually spends a day with you, but he likes to go out with his friends and on dates with girls on the weekends. Most of the time you play with your grandma. She shows you off to everyone she knows. She treats you very well. You've finally gotten sick of the baby Einstein movies. Now we watch a lot of action movies. You like to see people fighting and wrestling. Sometimes I worry that people will corrupt you. Teach you to lie, cheat, steal, and backstab. I hope you can refuse these teachings, Zach. The truth is always best. To steal is to show disrespect. To show disrespect is lowering yourself. Never talk about people behind their backs. If you have something to say, say it to them. You're better than all of that stuff Zachary. You're a good person." It was mid-November when her best friend, Deanna, was being induced to give birth to her son. Danielle had already named the baby before she died so his name was chosen before the birth. The newest addition to the family would be named Cameran Daniel. Jenna stayed at the hospital all day with her friend and when it was time to have the baby, she held her hand and helped her through the pain of childbirth. Deanna gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy weighing exactly 7 lbs 11 oz. Once baby Cam got out of the hospital with his mommy, they went to visit Jenna and Zach. He absolutely loved baby Cameran! Zach just couldn't get enough of holding him and giving him kisses. December 2006 "Who the hell is here" Jenna wondered as she went to answer the door. She peeked out the window to see Derek. He had come back to her. Jenna wasn't so sure she should trust him again, so she just let things go the way they went. She didn't try to control or change a thing. If it was meant to be it would be. Derek would have to prove his love to her before she would open her heart to him again. She had decided to guard her duct-taped heart from everyone. She would not say the words to him first. She would not allow him the opportunity to hurt her and if she had to, she would hurt him first, before she would let it happen to her. Jenna wasn't like every other girl. She was different. She was special. Derek knew all this for years, and if he wanted something special, something different, he would have to convince her that he deserved it. "Prophecy And as if it were nothing You threw us away As if I was nothing You pushed me away I could feel the tension I knew the emotions I could see your thoughts And I knew what was to come You were leaving me Not now, but soon You don't care for me And you'll leave me in ruin" "I'd be okay If we were to cease to be I would be okay If it seemed we'd not be happy That's fine, goodbye, I'd say If you wanted me no more I would be okay If our love became a bore I'd make it to the next day I will not stumble I won't lay down and die I can live without you Being at my side" As Zachary got older, Jenna couldn't help but think of his future. She hoped that her son would never have to experience the pain she had, but she knew pain is inevitable. The best she could do is share her life story and what she had come to know in her years. "My son, if I never get the chance to tell what I know, here it is, just for you, forever. Never grow up completely. It's pointless. Have fun and feel young for as long as you can. Don't consume your life with meaningless things. Objects are just that, objects. A job is just a job. A girl is just a girl. This is all true unless: You find a passion for an object and turn it into a life goal. You find a job you love, and enjoy every moment of it. You find a girl who is more than just a girl, she's amazing. You find those things, and you hold on tight, son. Your heart is precious. Don't just give it to anyone. You can't trust everyone you meet son, but that doesn't mean you can't get to know them. People are funny like that. You can get to know them, enjoy their company, but that doesn't mean they're trustworthy with even a dollar, let alone something as perfect as your heart. Smoking is a horrible habit. Never take it up. Believe your mother, here, I know. Your teeth rot, your breath stinks, your clothes, furniture, car, all of it reeks of nicotine and smoke. You'll end up broke, with bad teeth, and you'll stink. Yuck. Don't cuss in an inappropriate situation. You should be able to sense the "feeling" of the room and the company within it. You'll know what's right and wrong to say and do. Find your passion and never lose it. Whatever it is that makes your life worth living, find it and go with it. Never give up and never forget. You can learn in many ways other than reading a book. Go out and explore. Try new things. Experiment. Life can teach you many things a book cannot. Hold true to yourself. Never change for ANYONE. You are you and no one else. You are perfect as you are. You can do great things if you stay true to your identity and love yourself. You are the most important thing in my life, son. I can't imagine life without you and don't want to. You are my everything. My sun and moon. My air and water. My heart and soul. Always remember these quotes and lyrics: "One day we'll all have perfect wings" "I may not have much, but I have my family, and that's all I'll ever need." "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" And the most important thing of all to never ever forget: I'm always with you son, Love, Mom" Irradiancies Irradiance means irksome or odd, which is the best description of Jenna's life in 2007. Her anxiety began to cause her to break out in bumps that itched to no end as well as even more acne breakouts. She felt terribly disgusting in the eyes of all men she came into contact with, which made her self esteem and depression amplified, but with Deanna's constant compliments she slowly began to feel better. Jenna was robbed just a couple days before the new year and she had nothing. All of the money she had for the month was gone, and she had no job. If she could just get a car, she could get a job, but she had no transportation, and now, no money. Derek was gone all night and day working. He said he was going to pay her rent and he'd be back in 2 days. She was lonely and depressed. She felt as if she didn't really know everyone she knew. No one seemed to really care. She decided that with the New Year it was time for some changes. Jenna decided it was time to plan a move. Not just a move to a nearby town, but at least an hour away. She began making her plans and decided that if not this year, the beginning of next year, she and her son would be out of there. Derek didn't prove his love to her and January 2nd he was gone again. Jenna wasn't upset; she knew it would happen, just like in her poem, the prophecy had been fulfilled. She would just keep going on with her life as she had been, without having to worry about when Derek would be coming to stay. Jenna was left alone again, trying to figure out how to pay her bills and get to the grocery store. She desperately needed outside help, but didn't know who to turn to. To her memory her father had only given her 2 birthday cards; one when she lived with him at 17 and one after she was married at 18. He never called on her's or her son's birthdays or even sent Christmas cards. She felt that the only time her dad cared was when he stood to gain some financial profit. She hardly spoke to her uncle Jack, she assumed he just didn't like her, and she had no other family members in a position that they could help her. Jenna wasn't sure how she would dig herself out of this situation and began drinking heavily on the weekends. Every time she looked into her son's eyes all she could do was feel shame. She hadn't been a good enough mother to be able to buy him every toy imaginable. He deserved every toy ever made, she thought, and if she couldn't provide that for him, she had failed. Deanna moved in with her at the end of the month and Jenna no longer felt so alone. Together they took care of their children, cleaned the house, and ran their errands. They joked that if one of them had been born a man, they would've made the perfect couple! 'Day or Night Even from way back in the day Had a shoulder for my head to lay She's always been by my side My girl, always ready to ride Into our high school years There to wipe each other's tears Me and my girl were always tight Right by my side, ready to fight Day or night Right by my side Day or night Ride or die Heartbreaks and celebrations For her I always have the patience Even when those boys be hatin' And when our loved ones are all taken She's always there with me Through all the bullshit Me and my baby We always get through it Day or night That's my girl Day or night Conquer the world Now we're grown With kids of our own And we hold on tight For the sunlight Although divorce and death May at times take our breath We'll feel alone But in the end It's just us You and me, my friend Day or night I'm there for you Day or night This love is true' "Jenna, wake up, baby!" Deanna called as she walked into Jenna's bedroom early one morning. Jenna looked up as Deanna began talking frantically. "Your son's sick, deathly sick, we're going to the hospital, get up!" she rambled. Jenna got up and began to get dressed as Deanna continued with the story. Deanna's 2 month old son, Cameran, had been gasping for air all night, and by then they knew it was an emergency. Deanna, her boyfriend, Eric, Jenna, and all 3 of their children arrived at the Marion hospital around noon on the 16th. The emergency room nurse did a RSV test as well as many other tests. Deanna couldn't stand seeing her child in pain so she asked Jenna to come and hold Cam as they drew blood. Jenna felt as if she were in a time warp. This all took her back almost 3 years, to when Zachary was just a little guy like Cam having blood drawn and doctors everywhere. One nurse even asked Jenna if she was a nurse! Jenna simply replied, "No, but I have a disabled baby, and have been through this stuff a lot." The doctors assumed that since their RSV test came back negative, they should do an X-ray to see if he might have had pneumonia. Jenna explained to Deanna exactly what and how the doctors were doing all the tests. She told Deanna how they would place little bitty Cameran onto the X-ray table and that she would have to wear a lead vest while they took the pictures of Cam's lungs. Jenna held her sister's hand one last time as she walked behind the glass. She watched as her best friend looked forward in terror. After the doctor looked at the X-rays, he diagnosed Cameran with pneumonia and sent him to the pediatric floor to be admitted. The nurses came in and began to search for a vein to put in his IV. Deanna began to get furious when they stuck her son 3 times without getting the IV inserted. She asked the nurses to please send someone else in to do it. Another nurse came in and stuck Cameran another 3 times. After 6 sticks with no IV started, Deanna refused to allow them to try again. She requested his family doctor to come to the hospital and start his IV. His family doctor arrived around 7 pm that night, tried once, and successfully started the IV. Cameran began doing breathing treatments every 4 hours as well as taking 2 antibiotics every 6 hours. Deanna was horrified. She had never experienced so many medical procedures or equipment before. Jenna assured her that if she could go through everything with Zachary, Deanna could defiantly get through this. It was 3 days later and Cameran was getting worse. His breathing became even more labored and this beautiful little mixed baby looked more like an albino. By the 4th night the doctors decided it was time to order another X-ray. The doctor explained to Deanna and Eric that Cameran had air in his stomach due to him inhaling deeply as he cried in pain. They put a large plastic tube down her baby boy's throat all the way into his stomach to release the air. Deanna held tight to Eric as she tried her best to gather some unknown courage from deep within. Her thoughts occasionally drifted to seeing Jenna watch her son being wheeled in the operating room, but as they inserted the tube into her child, the only thought in her head was seeing the paramedics stick a tube down her sister, Danielle's, throat as they tried to save her life. The next morning a nurse came into the room to put Cam's antibiotics into his IV. As she flushed the IV she blew the IV line. Deanna watched as it happened and heard her son let out a terrifying screech. She jumped up in a frenzied panic. She screamed to the nurse to never come back into their room again. Later that morning their family doctor came back to the hospital. He tried another 2 times to start a new IV, but Deanna wanted her son in St. Louis, she would have to call and pay for an ambulance herself. So she did just that. The ambulance made the 2 hour trip to St. Louis after picking up Deanna and Cameran. Eric rode with Kim and they all met back up together at Children's Hospital. Within 4 hours Children's Hospital had already gotten back a positive RSV test result for Cameran. After they began treatment for the RSV, they stopped the breathing treatments because it seemed to be making his breathing worse. On the 3rd day in St. Louis, they found that Cam had a bone disease called Osteogenesis Imperfecta which is a genetic disorder causing his bones to be much more fragile than normal bones making it very easy for him to break a bone and harder for it to heal. They told Deanna that this disease worked in stages and that if they caught it early enough they would be able to retard it's progress. Deanna asked, even though she already knew the answer, if Jenna would go to all of Cam's St. Louis doctor appointments with her. Jenna promised she would be with them for each and every one. Deanna had now entered Jenna's world of doctors. Jenna's little man was making such great progress as February neared. Everyday Jenna held his hips and they walked around exploring the entire apartment! He was so amazingly proud of himself all he could do was grin and laugh as he took steps. Jenna firmly believed his progress was thanks to him spending time around Deanna's daughter, Gracie. He would try to chase her as she walked around the house playing and mimicked her as she talked gibberish. They took baths together every night before bed and just laughed as they shared bath toys and splashed the water together. When Jenna showed her ex-mother-in-law, Sharon, how good Zachary was beginning to walk, Shelia burst into joyous tears. She was very proud of her grandson and his mother for the wonderful progress they had both made together. Jenna decided to start using sign language with her son, but with the absence of his right arm, she had to come up with one handed signs instead of the proper 2 handed signs. Zachary could already sign the words 'finished' and 'tired', so Jenna was trying for the word 'mommy' next. Zachary had therapy 3 times every week. During therapy he now signed 'finished' on a regular basis so he wouldn't have to continue with the activity they were doing. One of his therapists, Kimberly, told him every week that if he didn't want to do his therapy, all he had to do was get up and walk away and he wouldn't have to do anymore therapy that day. Jenna was starting to worry that Zach wouldn't be walking by the time he would be fazed out of the Early Intervention therapy services at 3 years old, so she worked as hard as she could with him every moment of everyday. She made up songs that she could sing with him and so that she could use sign language with the songs as well to encourage his communication with either words or signs. 'That's momma's pumpkin boy Momma's pumpkin boy Momma's pumpkin boy, that's you Your momma's pumpkin boy Momma's pumpkin boy And momma says she loves you!' 'My baby boy Can stand up big and tall My baby boy Is the biggest boy of all My baby boy Can sit up on his own My baby boy Best boy ever known' 'Happy boy, happy boy Zach is such a happy boy Handsome boy, handsome boy Zach is such a handsome boy Smart boy, smart boy Zach is such a smart boy Momma's boy, momma's boy Zach is momma's boy' February meant yet another trip to St. Louis for Zachary. Jenna had already been to Children's Hospital in St. Louis with Danielle>Deanna and Cam the end of January, but now it was Zach's turn. He had another CT scan for neurology to check his VP shunt and had to have his eyes checked with ophthalmology. The CT scan showed every thing was normal and they would check up in another 2 years, but the ophthalmologist noticed that Zach had a wandering eye and prescribed him to wear an eye patch. He had to wear a patch on his good eye for 3 months straight to strengthen his wandering eye. He hated those patches, but Molly knew it was important for him to wear it and she didn't give in to his whining and take it off. The next month Zachary had another St. Louis trip for cleft clinic. Jenna had taken him to clinic at least once a month since he was born and it was just like any other day for her. This clinic was one of the important ones, though. He had a CT scan to check his bones in his mouth so they could schedule his next cleft surgery. The many doctors appointments were beginning to take a toll on her health and attitude, but she struggled to stay as calm as she could. Jenna hadn't realized how worn down she was until she began going through all of her photos. She used to look so happy and carefree, but now she felt like an ogre. There was just so much to be done and so much to worry about. Zachary was on 2 medications, vitamins for his MTHFR in the morning and allergy medication at night. Jenna was on 5 medications for insomnia, eczema, migraines, and her MTHFR. There were, at any given time, several phone calls to be made to doctors, therapists, and program coordinators. Zach had therapy for an hour 3 days a week. They had doctor appointments 4 days a month, St. Louis appointments once a month, and stacks of paperwork that needed to be filled out, signed, dated, and sent back every month. Then there was always the 'normal' things that needed done; dishes, laundry, paying bills, taking out trash, and so on. Jenna did every thing that needed done without having a job, car, or phone of her own. She was tired and stressed out, but she still got it all done. Because of Zachary's disabilities, he had a lot of developmental delays. He had to use a walker, just like the elderly, everyday. He had to get ankle braces the were the most intense kind made for children in hopes of getting him to walk before his delays worsened. Jenna was determined they would do it, even though she hated to hear him cry because he didn't want to work on his walking. She managed to return to her carefree and fun loving self after a while and even had an easier time dealing with her anxiety. She had been meeting a lot of new people and loved that she was back 'out there'. After a week or so, though, she became worried that this would be just like every other time before. The men would only care for one thing or they would only want her as a friend. How could she be that undesirable she wondered. She felt beautiful inside and out, but thought no one else could see this. She turned her fear and pain into humor and went on about her life. The relationship with her son became better than ever in the midst of her secret fear and pain. Zachary was giving her kisses and hugs every moment that he wasn't throwing food on her clean floors! They were having late night cuddle sessions before bed. He would just look at her with such love in his eyes and she couldn't help but melt into a puddle over him. She couldn't get enough alone time with her baby boy, but knew how to separate 'mommy mode' from her own identity now. It had been years since Jenna had endured the pain of seeing disgust on a stranger's face when they looked at her sweet child. She had forgotten that anyone would ever see him as anything but adorable, but she found out, the dark hearts of cruel strangers still lurked in every corner. Deanna had a doctors appointment at the hospital one day and asked her best friend to come with her. Deanna's sister, Danielle, was assumed to have died of heart complications after childbirth, and Deanna was now showing the same symptoms after giving birth 3 months earlier. In the elevator, a couple looked at Zachary, leaned toward each other, and began whispering. Jenna breathed deep and stared ahead of her, holding in her anger. As they all exited the elevator, the couple walked behind them and began making comments louder than before. Jenna looked back at them and stared them both in their eyes. Jenna had held in her pain from these comments for so long, she had forgotten the pain was still hidden deep within her heart. It was about 1:45 am when Jenna heard a noise in the kitchen. As she turned down the music on her computer, she saw the door unlock out of the corner of her eye and a man walked into her home. He wore a white ski mask and matching white gloves. She couldn't think, she froze, and then he pulled the gun up and pointed at her head. Jenna was highly infuriated! "How dare you, who the hell do you think you are?!" she scolded her gunman. He held the silver handgun against her temple and pushed hard every time she tried to shove him away. He then coverec her mouth with his hand when he saw she was not going to stop complaining. As he put his hand over her eyes he began to yell to someone else. "Come on, hurry up man!" she heard him say over and over. A few seconds of silence, and then they fled into the woods. They got away with nothing, but scared Jenna to death. The police couldn't do anything to help her because the gunman left no prints behind. So Jenna's insomnia grew even worse. Every noise in the night woke her from a dead sleep and her anxiety kept her from falling back to sleep. **Updated & Editied2/17/07**