Wonder Woman's blog: "SpecialMe"

The Beginning May - November 2003 As Jenna stood on that bridge, she just knew the rest of her life would be perfect. His mom was crying her eyes out, as they knew she would, and as the preacher spoke, the world seemed to stand still for Mark. His whole life was within this moment. Less than 20 people attended, most were Mark's family. This was a casual occasion, no dress or tuxedo, and on this day, 17 year olds, Mark and Jenna were married. They began their new life together as husband and wife in a small 2-bedroom public housing apartment. Mark worked full time at a pizza place for a little more than minimum wage and Jenna took on her new role as a homemaker. Although they were both now legal adults, Mark and Jenna were still just kids. Fights became a regular occasion throughout the first year. Jenna had a much stronger sex drive than he did. She tried everything to get her husbands attention, lotions, lingerie, and toys. Mark was still very much into his video games, and it seemed to Jenna that the only way she'd get any intimacy from her man, was if she wore a helmet like the characters from Halo™ and painted an x-box controller on her chest. Jenna came home after running errands one day to find a truck backed up to her home unloading furniture and boxes. "What the hell is going on?" she thought, confused. Mark was letting his friend Jared move in with them, but he had failed to talk with his wife about the decision beforehand. Jenna was furious, but she held it in, the best she could at least. As time went on, it became obvious by her short and angry comments, that she was still unhappy about his making such a big decision without her consultation. Mark, Jenna, and Jared learned to get along, and Jenna even began to become friends with Jared as well. The housemates decided to drink together one night. Mark had to be up for work early, so he left Jared and Jenna drinking together in the living room as he went to bed. Jared encouraged Jenna to keep drinking, as he made comments that she couldn't keep up with him. Jenna accepted the "challenge" and drank as much as she could before she passed out on the couch. Jenna awoke the next morning in Jared's bed. Her chest was burning; she looked and saw a cigarette burn. Confused she got up to investigate what the hell was going on. As she stood, her pants fell. She began to remember bits and pieces on the night. Mark was still in bed, had to be up in an hour for work. Jared sat in the living room talking to his underage girlfriend as if nothing weird was going on. Fuzzy and unorganized visuals from the drunken evening before came to Jenna slowly. She remembered being carried off the couch, at the time she assumed it was her loving husband taking her to bed, but she now knew that wasn't the case. At one point, while Jenna was passed out she had a brief moment of sobriety. She opened her eyes to see Jared above her on the bed, but she passed out again and unable to comprehend the situation. Jenna had been raped in her own home by her husband's friend. The Past Jenna was no stranger to rape. She had a troubling childhood that few people knew about. At 14, Jenna and her family moved to a small village just south of their hometown. Jenna had to make all new friends, who were unfortunately her downfall. Jenna's sister, Misty, was sent to prison at 16 for armed robbery and was serving a 3-year sentence at Dwight Maximum-security prison for women. Misty's situation made things harder for the whole family. Jenna's mom, Marie, had gotten a new boyfriend, and it seemed like he would be around a while. Marie's boyfriend, Bill, was a good guy, but he and Marie got into fistfights regularly, which had a very bad effect on Jenna and her little sister, Mandy. Marie, in an attempt to keep the past from repeating itself, became convinced Jenna was doing the same things Misty was at her age. Marie insisted Jenna was doing dugs, drinking, and having sex, although none of that was true. The fact that her mother was constantly telling her how bad she was and the things that she thought Jenna was doing, made her want to rebel more than ever before. Jenna made friends with "the lake kids", the boys that lived in her neighborhood by the lake. Her sister, Mandy hadn't made any friends yet, and was upset that Jenna wouldn't let her hang out with her friends too. Sometimes Mandy would just sit outside playing in the dirt as she watched her older sister joke and cut-up with her friends. Jenna felt horrible when she noticed, but when she tried to involve her sister, all Mandy did was complain because they were listening to music too loud, or because someone was smoking. One of the boys, Brandon, broke into an abandoned trailer and invited all the kids to come there to hang out. Marie heard gossip about this trailer and called the police, which resulted in Jenna having a juvenile record. Jenna was now a 14-year-old juvenile delinquent. She was put on probation and had to do community service for 18 months. In those 18 months, Jenna became a "cutter". She self-injured in an attempt to remind herself not to make the same mistakes twice. After her mom realized Jenna was cutting, she phoned her probation officer and the school. Jenna had to be checked for fresh cuts on a regular basis at her P.O.'s office. She also had to start seeing a special counselor at school each day for 30 minutes. "Wrong With Me What is it that I do To make it all go away What I do hurts me too But in a different way So what can I do To keep the pain at bay It gets me dirty looks from you But there's nothing you will say Well, what do I do To get myself free You never even knew There was something wrong with me" Marie moved the kids into town, away from "the lake kids". Jenna was determined to change her life, she made new friends, well, actually, she only made one friend. Deanna and Jenna were instantly inseparable. Deanna's mom, Brenda, was like a second mom to Jenna. She loved her so much for showing her that different is okay and Brenda was there to listen to Jenna even when everyone else just blew her off as a rebelling teenager. Jenna had a secret crush on Deanna's brother, Derek, but she didn't even try for him, he seemed uninterested. Little did she know, "Mom Brenda" had been trying since they moved there to get her and Derek together, but he refused because she was what he called a "freak". She wore dark clothing that didn't show off her body and black nail polish. Jenna met some of Deanna's friends; one in particular caught her eye, Scotty. Although Scotty and Jenna didn't date, they were friends and he introduced her to his aunt, Betty, who lived in the same small town. Betty had two little girls and offered to pay Jenna to baby-sit on occasion. Jenna and Marie became more like enemies than mother and daughter. During one of their regular arguments, Marie screamed, "Just get the screw out and don't ever come back!" Jenna took the hint and went to Betty's house. Jenna was more like a live-in babysitter than anything while she lived there. She was left almost everyday with the two girls, cooking, cleaning, and watching two kids, not what a normal 15 year old would be doing. On top of all that, Jenna was still on probation, doing community service, as well as counseling. Betty was not as responsible as Jenna had thought. She let Jenna drink, smoke, take pills, and have sex. Jenna and Betty's nephew, Scotty, had finally gotten together. She was in love for the first time. Marie refused to allow them to be together because he was 18. Eventually this caused enough arguments between Marie and Scotty's family that they were forced to break up. In the midst of all the drama, Betty took Jenna to a party, and even though she had never done drugs before this, she trusted Betty when she gave her crystal meth. Later that night Betty invited over her boyfriend and his 19-year-old son, Frankie. Betty pushed the two teenagers together as much as she could, and Jenna ended up dating Frankie for a couple days until he raped her. She kept refusing to have unprotected sex with him, but he had no condoms and wasn't willing to listen. He took her shirt off, the shirt Scotty had given her, held her down and raped her. Betty had gone back to her boyfriend's house for the night, and left Jenna alone with Frankie, who was drunk and on pills. When Marie showed up the next week, Betty mentioned to her that Jenna claimed she was raped. Marie asked Jenna if it was true, and when she said yes, all Marie did was hug her daughter and tell her it was going to be okay. "Forsaken trapped in pain abused unclean fighting harder makes it worse screaming louder doesn't work vicious like a rabid dog knocked around thrown and thrashed holds me down strips me bare I'm alone and no one cares I give up too tired to fight play dead- he'll go away I just want to live through the night he doesn't leave but when he's done wipes me off lays beside me covers himself up then whispers he loves me and into sleep drifts off I lie still try not to make a noise cold and bare mom warned me about boys afraid to move afraid to breathe in my dreams only way to leave wakes me up ready for another round grabs my hair pushes me down I'm choking cant breathe so afraid save me save me please" Jenna moved in with Cindy and continued her probation, community service, and counseling. Her grades got better, and she stopped drinking and never touched drugs again. Cindy's son, Tommy, was only a year older than Jenna. He was a popular kid at school and wasn't too bad looking either. Tommy and Jenna got along great; she helped him work on his truck's stereo, listened to music together, and were always wrestling each other. Jenna was proud of the fact she was just as strong as the guys were and loved showing off. One night they were up later than his mom and little sister watching TV. They ended up fighting around like usual. He pinned her to the ground and stopped. She was shocked he wasn't pushing any pressure points or tickling her to death, so she called him a pussy. Apparently, Tommy wasn't thinking about fighting, and he leaned down to kiss Jenna. She immediately turned her head, and quite frankly was in a state of shock. He said, "Oh, now who's the pussy, huh?" All Jenna could think as she went to bed was, "What the hell just happened here?" Eventually Jenna and Tommy began having casual sex, but he treated her like a ghost anytime they were around each other outside of the house, so she ended it quickly. Jenna turned 16 while she lived there. She went to see her friend, Tom, who she knew through Betty. He showed her the cake he and his girlfriend baked for her. Then he laid her on the bed and raped her while his girlfriend watched. Jenna spent half of her 16th birthday in in-school detention, and the other half being raped. "Forsaken Part Two Here we go once again How could he I thought he was my friend First so innocent Joking, flirting Touching, hugging Ok stop Kissing, licking I said stop Kicking, hitting Yell again Stop it now I have to go Grabbing, holding No more Pushing, shoving Holds me down Jeans come off Pushes me down Face in the bed Very little air I just want to be dead A different guy No different story I want to die But how could he? Licking, sucking Twice my age So disgusting Twice my strength Grab the sheets Block out the pain Grabs my feet Turns me over Pushes aside me head His girl's passed out Beside the bed Block it out Ignore the pain Pushes hard No, no more Doesn't care Bites my breast Covers my mouth Pushes harder Takes it out But tries another Doesn't fit Please no Stop it Crying So hard Can't breathe Stops Throws me to the side Flings a towel And my clothes Says get dressed And into the kitchen he goes His girl now gets up She goes with him Wraps my birthday cake up To take home with me I get dressed And get off the bed He says it was the best And then he said Happy sixteenth birthday As he tucks money for smokes Into my pocket Real sweet" It was apparent that Jenna did not have anywhere to go where she would be controlled and taken care of. Because she was still on probation, the lawyers and attorneys were talking about making me a ward of the court and sending her into foster care. Jenna did not want that, so she decided she might give her father a call. She didn't know much about her father except what her mother said, which was all very bad. Marie told her kids that their father had molested both Misty and Mandy when they were young, and that was why they didn't know him. Now that the girls were older, they heard more about the story through their aunts and extended family. Marie and Eddie met at a party; they both drank and did drugs. Once they were married and had the girls, there were several violent incidents between them. When Jenna was 3, Marie went out drinking Christmas Eve, and left Eddie with the kids, Jenna had pneumonia. Marie and Eddie got into an argument when she returned home and ended up throwing a chair at him while he held little Jenna. Two weeks went by before Marie came back home. Marie moved so many times throughout the years and never told Eddie where they were. In 12 years, Jenna had lived in Carbondale, Herrin, Cairo, Thebes, Goreville, and Carterville. The few memories she had of her father were short and fuzzy. She remembered dancing with him when she was still in diapers. Her little sister, Mandy, was a newborn, and sat in the car seat near the couch as their mother and father danced with Jenna listening to Tommy Roe's song, 'Dizzy'. After their mom and dad split up, Jenna remembered her father coming to visit. He brought her a paint set knowing how much she loved art. Jenna remembered that she felt hatred for her father back then because of all her mother told her about him. She threw the paint set down and went to her room until he left. Looking back, Jenna felt horrendous for acting in such a way and wished she could go back and fix the situation. Before Jenna went to live with her father the summer before her junior year of high school, she stayed with her older sister, Misty for 2 weeks. It was Herrinfesta time, a fair held every year to celebrate the town's Italian heritage. Jenna couldn't miss that! One day, Misty sent Jenna across the street to get snow cones at Tropical Sno. As she walked across the street, she recognized someone. It was Mark Shore! She got her snow cone and walked toward him. Once he realized it was Jenna he headed toward her with arms outstretched, but wasn't greeted with a hug. Jenna threw some of her snow cone right onto his neck and as he started to complain about it, Jenna walked up to him and licked it off! They laughed, hugged, and started catching up. Over the next 2 weeks, Mark and Jenna were constantly by each other's side. They decided to try a long distance relationship since she was moving to her dad's 2 hours away. Jenna and Mark talked on the phone and internet for hours everyday. His parents came to pick her up every other weekend to stay with them. Jenna had fallen deeply in love. "Beneath the Stars Meet me beneath the stars tonight Although you're far away In my dreams I'll hold you tight As I wish I could everyday Escape to my thoughts Run away from here In my dreams I am lost Just wishing you were near But keep in mind As you sleep We'll be spending time And your love, I'll keep Beneath the stars, in our dreams." Jenna and her father got along pretty good aside from his constant lecturing. The one thing that bothered Jenna was that he hugged her and touched her shoulder sometimes. Although he meant nothing by it, Jenna still wasn't dealing very well with the rapes or with the stories about her father's past. Her main problem while living there was with her step mom, whom she loved dearly, but they just didn't communicate very well. Once again, the courts stepped in and said that if Jenna didn't work it out with her father she would go into foster care, in which she would not be allowed to communicate with her friends or family until she turned 18. Jenna and Mark were already talking about marriage anyway, so when this came up, they decided it was right. He gave Jenna her birthday present, an engagement ring. It was gold with an orange stone, Jenna's favorite color. She was so excited that she showed off her ring as often as she could. Mark came up for Jenna's junior prom. Jenna felt horrible; she had come down with a bad cold the day before her prom, which was on Valentine's Day. As they sat at the dance, Mark slid a candy heart over to Jenna. It said "Marry Me". It was official, they were getting married. Jenna showed off her engagement ring everywhere she could. She told all her friends at school, showing off her ring and photos. She grinned ear to ear whenever anyone asked about her approaching wedding day. She joked that since they had no money, the wedding reception would be held at McDonald's and everyone could order off of the dollar menu! She didn't invite any friends and only invited immediate family. She couldn't afford a dress and Mark couldn't afford a tuxedo, so they planned to make due with the dressiest clothes they had. Silhouette Winter 2003 Jenna told her husband what happened with Jared, expecting him to kick his "friend" out immediately and hold her as she cried, but that didn't happen. Mark said he would talk to Jared about it when the time was right, but he didn't want to cause a big scene about it. Jenna was furious that her husband wouldn't take up for her, so she left. She went to stay with her Aunt and cousins an hour away, and told her husband that she would not return until Jared was out of her home. More than a month later, he had finally moved out, but Mark was still friends with him! Jenna couldn't believe it, but she just held in her frustration and moved on with her life. Mark and Jenna had been intimate with no protection for 9 months, but had yet to see a positive pregnancy test. Jenna desperately wanted a baby. Deep inside she wanted a child to make up for the attention Mark would not give her. Many times Jenna would start crying at the sight of a baby on TV. This was around the same time Jenna's older sister, Misty, who already had one little boy, was pregnant with her second. Misty invited Jenna over to see the baby's room, and all Jenna could do was cry when she walked in. She felt horrible for ruining her sister's special occasion, but she just could not hold it in. Now that Mark and Jenna had a goal, they were intimate much more often, and that in turn made the fights occur less often. Late at night on November 5th, Jenna received a frantic phone call from Misty telling her to get to the hospital. It was time. As Jenna peered into the nursery, once again she couldn't hold in the tears. Many of those tears were from jealousy. "How could one person, no better or worse than me, have not one, but two babies and here I am, with none?" January 2004 Jenna's little sister, Mandy, was now a teenager, almost an adult, but there were times that she still needed her bigger sister to help her out. One night, Mandy went with Jenna, Mark, and some friends to play pool at the local bowling alley. Gayla, Mark's ex-girlfriend, didn't like Jenna at all. She said that she thought she should've been the one to marry him and that Jenna was too much of a whore to be with him. Gayla showed up at the bowling alley and stood outside talking to her friends. As Jenna and Mark went home, Gayla and her friends went inside and began harassing Mandy. Jenna was irate when she got the phone call from her baby sister, crying her little eyes out, telling her that Gayla and her friends tried to jump her. Jenna threw her shoes and jacket on, and went straight out of the door. Mark was running behind her telling her to calm down because he didn't have the money to bail her out of jail. Ryan was one of Mark and Jenna's best friends, but he was also a friend of Gayla's. Jenna sent him down the block to Gayla's apartment and had him ask her to come outside and talk to her. She really did just want to talk. She wanted to calmly discuss what all the arguing was about and find out why she had a problem with Mandy. As Gayla walked out, she had all of her friends surround Jenna. "What's going on with you and Mandy? What's the problem?" Jenna asked calmly. "You're just a screwing whore, you dirty skank!" Gayla belted out. Confused, Jenna asked her question again only to be answered with the same type of derogatory comment, which was completely unrelated to the subject at hand. "I know you're cheating on him and I hope he comes home one day and finds you in bed with another guy, you stupid slut!" she screeched to Jenna. "Okay, me and Mark have nothing to do with this; all I'm here to talk about is Mandy." Replied Jenna, a little more irritated than before. Gayla retorted with another pointless insult. "You know what, you're just a screwing jealous bitch, so back off and find your own damn man!" Jenna resounded. Some say that the truth hurts, because at that point Gayla pushed Jenna to the ground, grabbed her jacket hood, and began to punch her repeatedly in the back of the neck. Jenna couldn't even feel her punches at this point; her anger had numbed her completely. Due to the way Gayla was holding her hood, Jenna couldn't raise her right arm. So, Jenna got her footing, held Gayla's throat, and punched her 3 times with her left arm. Mark pulled Jenna off of her and walked her back home once the sirens could be heard. When the cops arrived, Jenna was being reprimanded by them, but she didn't understand. She hadn't gone there to fight, she simply wanted to talk. They said that because Gayla was underage, and Jenna went to her apartment, it was her fault. "And from the looks of her face, and looking at you, you don't seem to be hurt at all, while she's sitting down there with a black and blue face." said one cop. Jenna got a little smile, but stopped it when she saw the looks on the cops' faces. It must have been Jenna's wedding ring that caused most of the damage, kind of ironic, isn't it? Later that evening, someone came to the door saying that Akoney was outside and wanted to talk to Mark. Mark and Ryan were in the other room listening to music, so Jenna threw her shoes back on and went straight out the door again. No one was going to mess with her man and that's all there was to it. Misty and Mandy were there to check on Jenna, so when Jenna ran out of the door, they ran to tell Mark what was happening. As Jenna ran out of the door, she was met halfway through the yard with a group of around 15 underage boys with makeshift weapons. She hadn't noticed at first, though, so her first instinct was to take out the person in front of the group with a "ball twist". As her hand headed in the direction, she planned her impact she saw the pipe in the air. She quickly drew her arm back and stood in front of them. "You have no reason to be here, now get out of my yard now" Jenna stated firmly. The group began yelling obscenities in general and backed her up to her front door. Mark had finally appeared at the door behind her and he came outside and stood behind his wife, who stood in front of the mass of armed pre-teen boys. One boy began hitting Jenna with his crutch, but she just looked down at him and laughed. Akoney, who stood directly in front of Jenna, raised a pipe in the air and swung it toward Mark, behind Jenna. She grabbed the pipe mid-air and told him "Get the hell away from my husband before I beat the living hell out of you, boy!" Mark got nervous and finally realized he should get his wife to safety. As he turned his back to let Jenna inside the house, Jenna heard glass shatter and saw small dark pieces of…something…flying around her. Someone slammed the door shut and Mark ran to the bathroom. Jenna still wasn't sure what had just happened, but instinctively grabbed a metal bat, and headed out the door again. Luckily, Mandy jumped in front of her and blocked her from going back out there. Mark emerged from the bathroom with a washcloth on his head and blood dripping down his face. He was on the phone with the cops requesting an ambulance and officers to come. It was a beer bottle that had busted against Mark's head when he turned his back. Jenna just thought that if Mark had only stayed inside and let her handle it, none of this would've happened. The story unraveled that someone was telling the group that Mark was the one that messed Gayla's face up, so they wanted revenge. After everything calmed down, Mandy graduated high school and never had to be around Gayla again. Akoney and his family are to this day paying restitution fees for Mark's medical bills from getting 3 staples in his head. "No one messes with my man or my family, it's that simple." Jenna will live by her quote for the rest of her life. February 2004 Still without child, Mark and Jenna had given up most, but not all hope. They often had Misty's boys over to stay the night, but of course, it was not the same as having one of their own. Jenna became convinced it was impossible for them to conceive a child together. She mostly blamed it on Mark's constant marijuana usage, which causes low sperm counts. Jenna charted and researched all that she could to no avail in creating life, or so she thought. A week before Valentine's Day, Jenna became violently sick. She couldn't eat or drink anything without getting sick to her stomach. She screamed that she was going to die from food poisoning. On their way to Misty's for a movie night, Mark and Jenna stopped off at the grocery store for some popcorn. With Jenna still sick, they decided to go ahead and buy yet another pregnancy test, assuming it would be negative, but praying just once it would read positive. Misty and her husband Carl popped the popcorn, Mark put the movie in, and Jenna went to take her test. She bought some dill pickle flavor chips at the store and had yet to put them down since they walked out of the grocery store. Jenna placed the test on the kitchen table, and sat down with her chips to watch the movie. Mark stood up and eagerly awaited the test result. In some part of his mind, he somehow knew this test would be different. As Jenna munched on her chips, Mark spoke, "Honey, come here". "Why?" she asked. He urged her to get up and come to the table, maybe it was the hormones or her stubbornness, but she refused, she was comfortable and nothing was going to get her off that couch! "Honey, you're pregnant!" Mark belted out. A chip fell out of Jenna's mouth as she went into some form of shock. "What?!" Mark sat down next to his pregnant wife and just held her hand. Misty had to break the stunned silence and make fun of Jenna's choice in chip flavor! They both thought the same thought, simply: "We're having a baby". The Pregnancy February - August 2004 The first doctor visit was unbelievable. They could finally see evidence of something they thought impossible, a child of their own. Their eyes watered up as they listened to their baby's heartbeat, but they both grinned from ear to ear when they saw the tiny little being on the ultrasound monitor. Jenna was pregnant for almost 2 months before she even knew it. She had apparently conceived in the week between her 18th birthday and Christmas. "The most wonderful gift I could ever ask for", she thought. Mark and Jenna went in for the ultrasound in which they were going to find out their baby's gender. Mark had to be out of the room at first, but when he came back in, the nurse was able to tell us. She let us try to guess before she told us, we guessed it was a girl, but we were wrong, we were having a baby boy! The young couple needed to decide on a name for this wonderful baby boy. Jenna grabbed a phone book, and together they went through looking at all the names, writing down the ones they liked. They ended up with a list of about 15 names. The baby's middle name had already been decided, Randell, after Mark's favorite uncle. Now the next task was to pair it with a first name. Zachary, perfect. Zachary, to be remembered by God in Hebrew. The pregnancy was fine, everything according to schedule until she hit 8 months. On a regular visit, Jenna's doctor said that the baby hadn't been growing and that she was becoming worried. Therefore, the doctor sent Jenna over for an ultrasound to check all the baby's measurements. Mark was at work that day, so his mom, Sharon, had come with her. Jenna asked Sharon to please call Mark and tell him something was wrong and he needed to leave work to be there with her. As the nurse did the ultrasound, no one was allowed to come into the room. Jenna was terrified that her baby was dead, and she had no one in the room to calm and comfort her. Mark had arrived and was waiting with his mother in the waiting room. He was so irritated that no one would allow him to enter the room where his wife was, he had already gotten into a verbal argument with at least one doctor by the time Jenna emerged from the ultrasound room. She walked over to her husband and handed him the ultrasound photos as she hugged him tightly. The baby, Zachary, was fine; he was just small for his gestational age. Unfortunately, that wasn't the only odd thing. Apparently, Jenna's water was leaking out slowly, and her water was at 4.5 instead of 5. This had the doctors immensely worried. Jenna's doctor ordered her to come back to the hospital at 8 am the next morning for a follow up ultrasound and non-stress test. Mark and Jenna returned home to begin making plans. Jenna was in hysterics, terrified she would lose her precious child. Mark did everything imaginable to make things easier on his wife. He made the phone calls to their immediate families to report the news. Jenna's older sister, Misty, made all of the phone calls to cancel the baby shower scheduled for the next night. Everyone invited became very frightened and called to check on Jenna, and although she appreciated everyone's concern, it was making things worse for her. Every time the phone rang, Jenna started crying before picking up, knowing they would remind her of how terrifying the situation was. That night, Mark took Jenna out to play pool. They both needed a break and needed to take their minds off the baby. The Birth August 2004 August 24th 2004, 8 a.m.: "We went to the Hospital to do another sonogram and another non-stress test. During the sonogram, the tech was very quiet and seemed worried. She called in another tech to verify something, but wouldn't tell us what. She walked me up to the room for the non-stress test. We got into the room and started the non-stress test. We saw that his heart rate was dropping way too much and way too fast. In came a bunch of doctors and nurses and the person that gives you the spinal. They made me put on an oxygen mask and swallow some nasty medicine. They Got the IV ready and made me sign a paper for something. I wasn't really sure what was going on. I was Scared! It still makes me cry to think about his birth. They threw some scrubs at Mark, told him to get them on and fast. Then they pushed me out of the room and just left Mark- As they rushed me to the O.R. I don't think I have ever been so terrified in my entire life. My entire existence was within this moment. They told me as all this was happening that I had no amniotic fluid left, and that Zach's heart rate was dropping too much and he was in fetal distress. They had to do an emergency C-section right then or he would die. They had tried to airlift me to St. Louis to deliver, but the weather there was too bad and they didn't want to wait for an ambulance. They put me on the operating table, made me sit straight up and bend my head down, with my shoulders straight so they could do the spinal. Mark still wasn't there. I started crying so hard, begging for Mark. "I want my husband, please, where's my husband?" They said he could not be in there until I was prepped for surgery. They stuck a needle in my spine- numbing almost my whole body- chest and down. They strapped my arms down to the table and put a curtain in front of me. Mark finally came in. I looked at him and asked, "What are they doing to me?" He said, "I can't tell you that, baby. It's going to be okay." That's when I started shaking even more than I had been since all the doctors bombarded me in the room. As soon as Zach came out, the entire room fell deadly silent. I didn't notice at first, I was concentrating on why I didn't hear my son crying. He finally made a little whimper, not even a real cry. I looked at Mark, he looked at me, and of course, I cried! My baby is alive! I'm crying now, as I write this! The doctor finally came over to my side of that damn sheet. He asked us, "Did you know about the problems?" One doctor answered," No, we didn't know anything." My world kind of just stopped. Like God hit the pause button. He continued to tell us what was wrong, "Your son was born with cleft lip and palate, and he is missing his right arm." --so I am thinking…"Okay- cleft lip- thats no big, they have those cute little kids on Montel all the time!... what.. wait.. huh? No right arm? Is that for real? I don't get it.. how could it.. but why... Is this real? I feel like I'm in a lifetime movie…" Then they wrapped Zachary in a blanket, brought him over to Mark. they showed Mark what he looked like, and let him leave just that second to go with Zach to the nursery. I didn't get to see him or touch him. That hurts so bad, you have no idea. I don't think I'll ever get over that. Next, I was wheeled into the recovery room- Mark came in periodically to tell me how cute our little boy was, that he was okay, and what family had came to see him. The clergy guy came in.. I have no idea what he was saying to me, I wasn't listening. I was so cold, they had to keep bringing in tons of blankets from the dryer to wrap all around me. By the time Mark came back down again, he said I looked like an Eskimo! Finally, when I could wiggle my toes, they wheeled me upstairs- right past the nursery where my baby was. Right past it. I got to my room- The first to come in was my older sister, Misty. I'll never forget that. She came in and her first words were.. "Hi, Honey, Do you want me to call Montel?" She made me smile, and I love her so much- she probably doesn't even remember that! But, I do. I started to laugh, but it hurt so bad. Next came everyone else, my mom, my little sister, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, father-in-law. But not my son. My entire family saw my son- touched my son and took pictures of my son, before I got to do any of that. I am his mother. And I was the last one to see or touch him. You don't get to re-do your child's birth. 5 hours after he was born, they brought him in to see me. Only for about half of a minute before they drove him by ambulance to St. Louis. Just before they took him from me, My little sister, Mandy, grabbed a disposable camera out of my purse. It only had one picture left on it, and she took a picture of me and my son. She'll never know how much that means to me! I couldn't do anything but cry while I held my tiny baby. They took him away and took him to St. Louis. Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital. Mark and I stayed in the hospital for 2 extra days to make sure I had no complications from the C-section. I just couldn't stop myself from constantly telling Mark how much I truly loved him. Over and over, it's all I could say. I couldn't bare to say that I'm afraid our son will die, or that I'm scared to raise a baby with so many problems. Mark got mad at me for it. He told me that "I love you" was getting on his nerves and asked me to please stop it. What happened to my husband? I wish I knew where exactly things changed. My baby boy was born 5 weeks premature, weighing 3 lbs. 12.5 oz., measuring 18 in. long, with a severe complete bilateral cleft lip and palate, congenital absence of the right arm, and a heart murmur. After he went to St. Louis, I was bombarded with program directors for special needs kids. There I was lying in a hospital bed, doped up on morphine and in horrendous pain, and people were trying to have serious conversations with me! I couldn't tell you who any of them were, what programs they represented, or what the hell I said to them, but it all worked out I guess." Tiny Zachary stayed in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Cardinal Glennon for the first 2 weeks of his life. His mommy and daddy were at his side as often as the nurses let them be, but mommy held him for every moment she could. Mark and Jenna got a kind of 'crash course' on pediatrics once they got to St. Louis. They spent half an hour every 3 hours learning how to feed their special baby boy. Jenna changed every single diaper, every outfit her little boy spit up on, and even pumped her breast milk every 3 hours so she could bottle feed Zach her breast milk. After many CT scans, blood tests, and puke baths, the brand new family faced another hurdle. At almost 2 weeks old the doctors diagnosed Zachary with hydrocephalus, which is when spinal fluid accumulates and builds pressure against the brain. Jenna's 3 pound baby boy was sent in for his first brain surgery at 2 weeks old. The doctors explained what they were going to do using pictures and books about the temporary VP shunt they were going to put inside her baby's head. Mark stood against the wall and sobbed so loud that all the nurses on the floor looked to see what was going on. They had hoped their newborn would be going home that week, but instead he was going to have brain surgery. After they placed the tube in his head, the hospital sent Zachary home with his parents. Mark and Jenna were home for almost 2 weeks when they finally got out of the house. Jenna was terrified to be away from her son, but she knew she needed time away, so she let his grandma baby sit. The new parents went to see the concert for Solovus' CD release party where they sang Jenna's favorite song, "That's Okay", and even dedicated it to her and her new family. After the show, Mark and Jenna went to pick up Zachary. As Jenna leaned down to put his shirt on him, she saw that Zachary had liquid coming from the stitches in his head. "Mom, he's leaking!" Jenna yelled to her mother-in-law. "No, he just peed all over the place, it's probably just pee." she answered. "No, mom, it's coming out of his head right now! The stitches are leaking spinal fluid!" Jenna was frantic. Mark did as she asked and called Cardinal Glennon to ask what to do. After 5 minutes, the whole family, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and Zach, were back on the road. Once they got to the emergency room in St. Louis, Zach went in for another CT scan. The attending neurosurgeon stitched his head back up and told the parents to wait until morning to talk to his doctor. The next morning Zachary was sent in for a second brain surgery. This time he was one month old and the VP shunt would be permanent, going from his head and coiling in his stomach lining. One day Mark and Jenna got a letter in the mail from the hospital. The genetics team of doctors had found something in Zach's blood and requested that they have blood drawn and tested as well. Once the results came back, they knew that all 3 of them had a form of MTHFR. It was a DNA gene mutation that had something to do with folic acid. Mark was the carrier of the gene, having 1 copy of a mutation, Molly had 2 copies of a different mutation, and Zach had one of each. Jenna and Zachary both began taking vitamin supplements every day to avoid any of the adverse effects the disorder could cause, including stroke, heart problems, and blood clots. Mark's form of the disorder had no effect on his health, but his doctor told him it is still a good idea to take aspirin once a day any way.