I never would have believed I could survive without him. When I held him in my arms and watched him breathe his last breath, I thought that would be the hardest thing I'd ever do in this life. But I was wrong. Living without him has turned out to be so much harder.
It doesn't feel like nearly two years have passed since the light went out of my life.
The reason it's called heartache is because it really is a physical pain in the heart. It seems like only yesterday Gus and I were at Bank One Ballpark in Phoenix, in our season ticket seats that he surprised me with, watching our favorite Arizona Diamondback Luis Gonzalez playing left field, cheering him on together and laughing.
Gus was The Sunshine Of My Life and my memories of him and his love for me are all that has sustained me through these long lonely months without him. I dreaded the first anniversary of his death much like I dreaded living without him as I watched him die. The second anniversary of his death is approaching, and it does not seem possible that he's been gone so long...
Gus' easy going demeanor and his soft slow southern drawl hid a keen intelligence and quick wit that always smoldered just beneath the surface.
He was very guarded with strangers, but anyone who knew him well, knew what a truly exceptional being he was.
A swarthily handsome devil, shirt sleeves roughly hacked off with his ever present blade, he had such style and animal grace that the grinning skulls with wings and halos inked permanently into his skin actually looked good on him.
Gus never bragged about his own achievements. Most people never knew he was an accomplished Black Belt or had been a Marine. It wasn't something he liked to talk about, and unless you needed it, you would have never known he always carried a knife.
Children and animals loved Gus. Where ever we went they flocked to him like a modern day pied-piper. It always tickled him too when he had their attention. I can still see his magnificent shining grin as he'd turn to me, his eyes twinkling as we'd exchange a knowing look, knowing that where ever we go little ones and animals would always be drawn to his amazing energy.
I miss that shining grin and those twinkling eyes so damn much.....
Gus rode hard and he died free. He served his country and he made an impact on the life of everyone whose life he touched.
Wherever he is now, he can be happy about that.
He died in my arms taking my unconditional love with him, and that is one thing we all hope we'll have when our turn comes finally to breathe our last breath.
I am honored that I was the one he loved and wanted present at his passing.
I know I will see him again and I can hardly wait.
