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Merritt, you have what psychologists call a Preoccupied relationship attachment style. Preoccupied You tend to worry about being abandoned in your romantic relationships. You have a strong desire for closeness, but may feel that others seem unwilling to get as close as you would like. It's likely that your openness to relationships is one of the first things potential partners notice about you. Attachment style begins in infancy with the interactions we have with our parents or primary caregivers. Through these early relationships we begin to understand the dynamics and patterns of close relationships and we carry this perspective into our adult relationships. Psychologists have identified four different relationship attachment styles: secure, preoccupied, dismissing avoidant, and fearful avoidant. Despite the alarming sounding names of some of these styles, there are many understandable reasons why people develop them. Further along in this report we will explain some of the issues underlying each of the attachment styles. 39% of those who have taken our test share this style of attachment. When you choose a romantic partner you tend to gravitate towards those who have what psychologists call a preoccupied attachment style. These are people who show a great deal of openness and are eager to get close in a relationship. People with this attachment style can be very devoted partners. Your answers on our test show that when it comes to relationships you have grown beyond your earliest attachment issues. While you may not have every issue resolved, you're making substantial progress at establishing healthy relationship patterns. To find out more about your own attachment style, the attachment style of those you tend to choose for romantic relationships, and how to develop a more secure attachment style, read on! The Two Axes of Anxiety and Avoidance High Anxiety Low Avoidance High Avoidance Low Anxiety As you can see in the above graph, there are two key dimensions that determine a person's relationship attachment style: Anxiety and Avoidance. In the following section you'll find out what specific behaviors and issues of yours contributed to your score on each of these axes, and how your scores compare with others. Are You a Secure Lover? Anxiety Avoidance Attachment Types You Choose Getting More Secure History Behind the Test For More Reading Anxiety The primary issue underlying the dimension of anxiety with respect to relationship attachment style is fear of abandonment. Those high on the anxiety scale crave closeness and connection with others. Through our own extensive research study, Tickle has identified five key subfactors of behavior and experience that make up the dimension of anxiety. Each of these subfactors is described below and you can see how you scored compared with others. Loneliness Average Score Your Score People who report higher levels of loneliness, particularly in the absence of a romantic relationship, tend to have overall higher anxiety scores. As you can see in the chart above, you scored close to the average with respect to feelings of loneliness. This suggests that in general you are like most others in how susceptible you are to feelings of loneliness and, in the context of psychological attachment, you are likely to feel that having a romantic relationship somewhat lessens your feelings of loneliness. You are also likely to be able to reduce feelings of loneliness through interactions with friends and/or family. While romantic relationships may be important to you, they are not your only source for social support Self-Confidence People who report lower levels of self-confidence tend to have higher overall anxiety scores. Average Score Your Score Your responses indicate that your level of self-confidence is about average. It's likely that you have found a balance between living in accordance with your own internal standards and meeting other people's expectations. You probably care what other's think of you, but you're not likely to let that stop you if you feel strongly about something. In other words, you value the insight and opinions of others, but you generally make your own choices. Fear of Loss Average Score Your Score Expressing greater fear of loss or abandonment with respect to close relationships contributes to overall higher scores on anxiety. Your score shows that you have more fear of loss than do most people. It's likely that partings and absences from those you care about are difficult for you. You may find that you experience somewhat vague feelings of sadness or stress when you are separated from someone you love, because of your fear of loss or abandonment. This may occur even if you know rationally that you will be with your loved one again. Closeness Seeking Average Score Your Score Those who have high needs for closeness and emotional intimacy with others also tend to have higher anxiety scores. Your responses suggest that your tendency to seek closeness is about the same as most people. You are fairly open in your interpersonal interactions, but you're not likely to tell someone everything about yourself in the first five minutes. You also probably don't want to know everything about someone else just after meeting him or her. You tend to be someone who develops closeness with others gradually, and in a fairly balanced and reciprocal fashion. Jealousy Average Score Your Score Those who are highly jealous tend to have higher anxiety scores. Your score shows that your tendency for jealousy is about average. You seem to value your romantic relationships and it's likely that when you're involved with someone you put your heart into it. There may occasionally be times that you feel vulnerable to the loss of your partner and it is at these times you're most likely to express jealousy. Are You a Secure Lover? Anxiety Avoidance Attachment Types You Choose Getting More Secure History Behind the Test For More Reading Avoidance The primary issue underlying the dimension of avoidance with respect to relationship attachment style is fear of commitment. Those high on the avoidance scale don't trust that others can always be counted on, and they prize independence and self-reliance. Through our own extensive research study, Tickle has identified five key subfactors of behavior and experience that make up the dimension of avoidance. Each of these subfactors is described below and you can see how you scored compared with others. Misunderstood Average Score Your Score Those who feel highly misunderstood tend to have higher avoidance scores. Your responses indicate that, more than most people, you feel that others do understand and know you for who you really are. You are generally able to engage in the kind of emotionally intimate communication that creates feelings of closeness and understanding between two people. You also tend to have a positive sense of self-worth that allows you to open up to others more readily than most people. Emotional Caution Average Score Your Score People who are highly emotionally cautious tend to have higher avoidance scores. As you can see in the above chart, you tend to be less emotionally cautious than most people. Specifically, you tend to be less cautious about trusting other people. You approach your interactions with an open mind and heart. You are someone who gives others the benefit of the doubt and you're usually willing to trust unless given a specific reason not to. Loner Average Score Your Score People who are loners tend to have higher avoidance scores. You tend to be less of a loner than most people, and your need for solitude is generally lower than average. It's likely that you can enjoy and appreciate the energy of a crowd. You tend to be someone who understands people. You would likely be most happy in a job that enabled you to feel that you were helping people or at least in a job that involved interacting and working directly with others. Independence Average Score Your Score People who are high in independence tend to have higher avoidance scores. Your score shows that you tend to be about as independent as most people. Specifically, when life gets tough, you sometimes will and sometimes won't reach out to those closest to you. You are typically able to seek social support, but it may take a good deal of hardship for you to do so. When you're in pain, you may sometimes find it difficult to express that to others, but when you can express it, you probably find that it helps you to better cope with the situation. Risk Aversion Average Score Your Score People who are high in risk aversion tend to have higher avoidance scores. Your responses suggest that compared to others you are lower in risk aversion. In other words, you probably enjoy taking a risk now and then, perhaps because you have an underlying confidence that no matter what happens you'll be okay. You tend to be someone who is open to new people and situations. Are You a Secure Lover? Anxiety Avoidance Attachment Types You Choose Getting More Secure History Behind the Test For More Reading Attachment Types You Choose High Anxiety Low Avoidance High Avoidance Low Anxiety Your Attachment Types Attachment Types You Choose As you read earlier and can see in the above graph, your responses on our test indicate that you are most likely to choose romantic partners who have a Preoccupied attachment style. In this section you'll learn more about all four attachment styles you might encounter in your romantic partners. Keep in mind that while a person may have an overall insecure attachment style, they can still have some behaviors and tendencies that are more secure. Based on the experiences we each have with close relationships our attachment style can be modified. We'll tell you more about how attachment style can change in the following section called "Getting More Secure." Secure As the name suggests, a secure attachment style is the psychological ideal. According to the original theory of attachment proposed by psychologist John Bowlby (1969), secure attachment develops when the needs of an infant child, from birth to about age two, are consistently and successfully met by the primary care giver. In other words, we learn at a very young age whether the world and the people in it can be counted on to meet our needs, from the most basic need of hunger, to our needs for love and affection. As we mature and begin romantic relationships we bring with us this fundamental view about what we can expect from other people. People with a secure attachment style tend to be positive, optimistic, and constructive in their interactions with others. They tend to be more trusting and less prone to loneliness than those with insecure attachment styles. They enjoy sex, especially with long-term partners. Preoccupied According to Bowlby's theory, preoccupied attachment style develops when the needs of an infant are inconsistently and/or unsuccessfully met by the primary care giver. In other words, the child learns that sometimes needs are met and sometimes they are not. Ultimately this creates a desire for closeness and affection combined with a fear of rejection or abandonment. People with a preoccupied attachment style tend to show a great deal of openness and eagerness to get close in a romantic relationship. They tend to be emotional, especially under stress, and may display more jealousy than those with other attachment styles. When it comes to sex, they may prefer being cuddly to actual intercourse. People with a preoccupied attachment style are typically very loyal and devoted partners. Dismissing Avoidant The dismissing avoidant attachment style is theorized to develop when the needs of an infant are consistently not met by the primary caregiver. Bowlby originally observed this style of attachment following World War II in over crowded British orphanages. Because there were so many children and so few staff, the babies were often left alone in cribs for extended periods of time. Not having their basic needs of hunger and affection met, these children learned that the world and the people in it could not be counted on to take care of them. People with dismissing avoidant attachment style tend to very independent and self-reliant. They don't usually find it easy to open up to others or to let themselves depend on other people. They tend to withdraw from their romantic partner when they or their partner are under stress. When it comes to sex, they are more likely than those with other attachment styles to engage in casual sex. People with a dismissing avoidant attachment style can be attractive because getting to know who they truly are poses an intriguing challenge. Fearful Avoidant The fearful avoidant attachment style was not part of Bowlby's original theory, but has recently been observed and studied by psychologists who specialize in adult attachment. The causes of this attachment style are not uniformly agreed upon by psychologists. It has been hypothesized that the early childhood roots of "fearful avoidants" and "dismissing avoidants" are similar in not having their basic needs consistently satisfied. However, when sex-role socialization begins when these types are toddlers, the styles diverge. Studies based on this hypothesis show that there are more males who are dismissing avoidants and more females who are fearful avoidants. Other psychologists suggest the possibility that the development of a fearful avoidant style may be related to an experience of significant loss or trauma. People with a fearful avoidant attachment style have both a desire for closeness as well as a need for space and independence. They may at times lack self-confidence and may also harbor some fears of rejection. They are likely to show more emotion than those who are dismissing avoidants, but may sometimes still find it difficult to really open up to others. When it comes to sex, fearful avoidants may think they can handle casual sex, but may be more likely than others to then feel unsatisfied with that type of arrangement. People with a fearful avoidant attachment style can be attractive because they tend to be complicated and compelling. Whatever attachment style you, your partner, or your potential partners might have, it is possible to develop a more secure attachment style. Are You a Secure Lover? Anxiety Avoidance Attachment Types You Choose Getting More Secure History Behind the Test For More Reading Getting More Secure As we've said throughout this report, attachment style is formed in infancy, but it continues throughout one's life. The beliefs about the world and the people in it that we form early on can and do affect our relationships, but our relationships and experiences continue to shape our beliefs as well. In other words, attachment style is not necessarily set in stone at age two. With thoughtful effort, a person with an "insecure" attachment style can develop one that is more secure. The key to developing a more secure attachment style is in addressing the deep-seated fears that are below the surface of the insecure attachment styles. As noted earlier, those are fears about security in interpersonal relationships: fear of abandonment and fear of commitment. Both of these fears stem from core feelings and beliefs that see the self as unlovable and/or other people as undependable. Internal thoughts such as "you can't really count on anyone but yourself," or "men/women always leave" support and perpetuate this belief. Changing those deeply rooted beliefs isn't easy, but it can be done. Simply noticing the kinds of thoughts or messages you give yourself can be a first step. Recognizing that the thought is false is another important step. Replacing the internal messages and thus the beliefs is the most challenging step. Many people find it helpful to work with a trained psychologist, psychiatrist, or licensed clinical social worker when trying to develop a more secure attachment style. There are many different forms of therapy that can be helpful. It's important to find a therapist and a type of therapy that feels most comfortable to you. There is individual psychotherapy in which you work one on one with a therapist. While many therapists are able to use a variety of techniques, most have a particular style that they use most frequently. Some examples of different styles or approaches are: Cognitive/behavioral therapy, which primarily focuses on identifying and changing specific thoughts and behaviors. Psychodynamic therapy, which focuses heavily on early childhood experiences. Rogerian or client-centered therapy in which the therapist provides unconditional positive regard. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which combines techniques of acceptance and validation with techniques of problem solving and behavior change. As an individual, there is also the option of individual group therapy. Group therapy brings together a small number of individuals with a therapist or group facilitator. Typically, the primary goal of group therapy is to provide and model social support as well as helping the individual members of the group to improve their social and relationship interaction skills. Another option is couples therapy. If you are already in a romantic relationship but wish to improve your interactions, this could be the route for you. Like individual therapy, couples therapists can employ a variety of therapeutic techniques or styles. One therapeutic approach that is specifically designed to address attachment issues is Emotionally Focused Therapy or EMT. EMT is a short-term therapeutic technique, usually consisting of 8 to 20 sessions. This approach works to de-escalate negative interactions and foster new patterns that promote secure bonding between partners. The goal of this therapy is to reorganize key emotional responses. When there is an entire family involved, there is the option of family systems therapy. Most of the therapies employed with individuals or couples may also be used with a family. Typically the focus of family therapy is the interactions between family members. Any of these can be effective; what's most important is finding a therapist and the type of therapy that feels right for you.