Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a
phone
call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could
I
please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in
my ear
"Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I
couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I
had
accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her,
I
decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered
the
phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really
bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
cheered me
up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with
our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
and
hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back
window, so
I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling
the
first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd
better
call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes,
it
is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I
live at
34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked
right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked,
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every
evening
after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I
said,
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still
there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make
me,"
He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said,
"Yeah?
Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in
Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He
said,
"I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your
prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole,"
He
yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He
exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's
your
chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34
Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill
my
gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd.
in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just
in
time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front
of
six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news
crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.