Sketchy At Best's blog: "Captain's Log"

I thought that my mom had gone crazy. My godson/cousin called to tell me that he had proposed to his girlfriend. At the time, I was with my mom, taking my youngest back to his mom's. I let everyone know who was with us, mentioning to my cousin who I was with, so that he didn't waste his time trying to contact the others. After I hung up, my asked why he didn't call her first? My cousin's mother, my mom's sister, had passed away a few years ago, and we all sort of pitched in and helped him out when he needed it. He lived with our grandma, and my other aunt, since she lived closer, was then appointed his guardian. The more she talked about it, the more and more pissed she got about it. She calmed down some when I told her that I told him that she was with me, but she was peeved that he didn't call her first. Come to find out, her cell carrier was having issues that day, so he couldn't get thru. It got me thinking, and I realized where I got my selfishness from. I admit it, in my personal life, I have my selfish moments. But looking back, I realized two things...1) There are things I need to change so I'm not like her...and 2) She's friggin crazy, because my kids, after spending time with her, have a whole different history of my childhood than I remember it. I'm not boo hooing, saying I had a horrible childhood, because I didn't in many ways. I admit I'm a mess, but with the two looney tunes I grew up with, I now realize that I am way better off than I should be. But my fondest memories were spent with my grandma. I was there every weekend, because I never really saw eye to eye with my adopted dad. He wasn't physically abusive, but spent a good part of my life making me feel guilty, or afraid of everything. Let me tell you, not a great way to raise your kids. And he was a control freak, so every chance my mom go out from under his thumb, she had to push her personality and views on everyone around her. Which was me, being an only child. I had two stepsisters who were rarely around, so I got way more attention than I wanted. So now that my dad has died, she has nobody to keep her in check, and there has been hell to pay. The capper was I got to listen to her all day yesterday, and my cousin's engagement party, tell me how she didn't think that I needed surgery, and needed a good chiropractor, and she was just looking out for my own good, because she cared. When I called her to talk to her about what my doctor said, she said "I hate to cut this short, but I'm golfing" and hung up.. Hug your mom's, and thank them for not being mine

Here are my top 10 favorite movies of all time. As with my songs, this rotates weekly. As you can tell by my reviews, I do like watching movies...alot. 1) Resoivoir Dogs---I love this movie. I like the pace, I love the acting, and Mr Blonde is incredible. I've probably seen the movie 100 times, and because it was filmed on such a shoestring budget, I like seeing all the flubs and flaws. But the story is incredible, and introduced us to Tarantino's style. 2) Clerks---Kevin Smith's first, and best movie. He filmed it maxing out his credit cards. This flip flops with Resoivoir Dogs as my favorite movie, depending on what I've seen last. Highly quoteable. Our liscense plate comes from a quote in this movie. 3) Pulp Fiction---You have to see it about 5 times to appreciate the timeline, and then it blows your mind. If I had the time back from watching the first three movies, I could have accomplished many things. 4) Donnie Darko---I have both versions of the movie, the theatrical, and directors cut. The director cut is easier to follow, but the original is my favorite. It's all about Time line continuity, and the physics of time travel, and I guarantee you have to watch it about 5 times to sort of get it. The directors cut takes that away somewhat. 5) Animal House---My cousin got me into this when I was waaaaay to young to see it, and even though I didn't get half of it, laughed my ass off. John Belushi is great, but to be honest, the script was awesome, so everyone was great. 6) Nightmare Before Christmas---I love this movie. I like Tim Burton's style. I like his story. I've been frustrated with a job, only to find out that it was what I was supposed to do. 7) Star Wars---Not only was it groundbreaking technology, it was fast paced, and gave you the coolest hero of all time, Han Solo. In my dorkiness, I've seen them all a bunch, and have read a bunch of the books. I do like the extendes upgraded ones, but the first ones were magic 8) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom---My favorite one, but I love them all, including the newest one. Indiana Jones is my second greatest movie hero. 9) The Bourne Identity---best action movie ever. Fast paced, good characters, fight scenes galore, car chases...Wow! The only thing this movie is missing is titties, and its so good, I forgive them. 10) Chronicles of Riddick---I love this movie. Vin Diesel is a crappy actor, but he doesn't have to be that good, because the less he speaks, the better the movie. But it's good action, and a great ending, and I hope Vin Diesel gets over himself, and they make another one. Special Mentions: Blade, French Kiss, Forrest Gump, Walk Hard, Bait, Princess Bride, Insomnia (foreign version, though the American one isn't bad with Robin Williams), Shrek, Blues Brothers,

Here it is folks! My top 10 songs of all time, which change weekly probably lol. 1) Zero---Smashing Pumpkins---Recently moved up. I've been listening to alot of Pumpkins lately, and this has always been one of my favorites. Billy Corgans guitar, with some lyrics that really speak to me, have put it here 2) Negative Creep---Nirvana---I was torn, between this and "Rape Me". But I love the "Bleach" album, and this song is just raw power at its finest. I love the heavy bass line thru it, and whoever is drumming on it is really hitting it. 3) Come Dancing---The Kinks---It may not be their "best" song, but it is my favorite. And I believe their last song that hit the charts. Part of the reason I like it is that as a kid, it opened up the door to alot of the British bands of that era, that weren't the Stones or the Beatles. 4) Gimme Gimme Gimme---Black Flag---"Sitting here like a loaded gun, waiting to go off, I got, nothing to do, but shoot my mouth off" easily Henry Rollins best line. When you're a teenager, and you have all sorts of things going on inside you, and in your head, this song speaks volumes to you. And Henry Rollins singing/yelling/growling catch the mood perfect. 5) Alfie---Lily Allen---it is a funny song, catchy, and uses the word "twat". My wife bought this cd, and just happened to have it in the car one day. I bet I've listened to this song 100 times in a week. 6) Angels and Fuselage---Drive By Truckers---Quite possibly the saddest song ever written. It's the last song on a concept album about Lynyrd Skynrd. It describes the plane going down, and they hit all the emotions in one song. It's a great album too if you like Southern Rock. 7) Must Have Been the Pills I Took---Hank Williams III--singing about waking up from a binge, the house destroyed, people crying...and he has the reason why. Country at punk speed, and some of the finest country players around. 8) Gay Bar---Electric Six---Great song, funny video on www.rathergood.com. Thats where I found the song, and it's incredibly catchy. And I'm not gay, but I have been to a gay bar, and he's right, it's a load of fun 9) Sugar---System of a Down---They have so many great songs, but I think that this is my favorite. Really catchs the energy and talent of the band. And the video, with the dude with the shaved head and foot long goatee sticks in your head lol. 10) Don't You Steal My Sunshine---Len---I know, the song is so sugarry, your teeth hurt. But no matter when I hear it, or see the video, I must stop til it is over. Honorable Mention---Bodies/Sex Pistols, Me and My Monkey/Beatles, Fade to Black/Rolling Stones, I'm a Man/any version, Down on the Bayou/Creedance Clearwater Revival, Charlotte the Harlot/Iron Maiden, Boyz in da Hood/NWA, Automobile/Easy E, Bring da Noize/Anthrax/Public Enemy/ Hey Ya/Outcast I'm sure there are others, but here are my faves. If you have one, feel free to comment it. I'm always looking for new music to listen to.

Hulk Hogan...just kidding! OK, I'm not! Sunday night, we sere sitting in the living room, watching the 3rd Pirates movie, when my wife went and got a drink. She came out, and asked if I changed the lightbulb in the kitchen. I had changed one in the living room earlier, so I thought perhaps she had been confused. She then insisted I come out to the kitchen, and when I did, the light cover, which is heavy, was sitting on the counter. My wife is only 5', and the stepstool was out in the garage, so I know that she wasn't pulling a prank. Our kitchen is set up that the light, which is over the sink, is on the north side of the house. The counter that it was found on is to the right of this. If the light had fallen, not broken, it would have fallen directly into an empty sink. So somehow, the light cover got two screws loosened, and dropped 3 feet, landing about 3 feet away from the sink, without getting broken. A little history on the house. We have had numerous ghost sightings in our house. I know that half of you think that it is crap, but generally, if you sleep on our couch, and wake up in the middle of the night, there is a good chance you will see them in the dining room. We've had 5 people tell us the same thing, and my wife and I have both seen them at various times, as well as my oldest son. I'm not saying that a ghost did it, but makes you wonder.

In two weeks, it starts the happiest time of the year. I admit, it hasn't caught on nationally, but I am starting a movement, and soon it shall overtake America. In two weeks, its the starting day of training camp of the NFL. Last year I had declared it the "Season of the Man", which stretched from the first day of NFL training camp, to the last snap of the Super Bowl. Why would I come up with such a stupid idea such as this you ladies ask? Let me tell you why. Men are being wussified by the media. Name a man's man, like Steve McQueen, in the movies. You can't name a one under 40. And how many stupid sitcoms are there, that their main premise is to make man look stupid? According to Jim(which is easy, because Belushi sucks), King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond...there's millions of them. Gone are the shows like M*A*S*H, where Hawkeye boned every nurse there. Gone is WKRP, where Andy was the station stud. Even in Threes Company, the lines were drawn. So I have decided to take over. I want to make it ok to be a man again. And to start with, I'm gonna give you all a little insight why it's great to be a man... 1) We get to stand up when we pee. Which basically means, if we're careful, we can pee anywhere. And if the mood takes us, we can Boston Red Sox it, and sit down to pee. Options are great. 2) When we go grey, it's distinguished. When women go grey, they're old, and people think its time to dye their hair. 3) Middle aged spread...its okay as long as you don't go overboard. We only have to worry when the hot guy starts at work, and odds are...he's gay!!! 4) The internet is geared towards men. Can't get a date? Against using soap? Who cares? There's enough porn on the internet, that you really don't need to venture out to the titty bar. You can sit at home with your smelly self, and not offend everyone there. 5) There are mail order brides for the truly desparate. I have never heard of a "mail order husband". What can be better than paying a few grand to find a woman to cook and clean for you for a few years. Ever price a maid service? You might even get lucky and get some sex. Plus you're eventually feeding the stripper pool of America, so you're also helping the economy. 6) You want a new tool? Go ahead and buy it. She's thinking that you might use it, you're thinking that you now have the newest, coolest thing to show your friends. And maybe, just maybe...someone will know how to use it. 7) Ever see a woman naked. Waaaaaaaaaay better to look at than a man. Yay us for getting that eye candy! 8) We don't have to listen to that harpie Oprah. 9) Lets face it, it's not fair, but on average we're paid more. 10) Flatulance is ALWAYS funny to us. I don't care how old, what color, or how much money you make, a good fart is always good for a good belly laugh. Women are trained to put their noses in the air, and call us savages. 11) Our thinking is split up between two areas on our body, so our upper brain is not overtaxed. If you lower brian is overtaxed, you are considered a stud. 12) If we bang a whole bunch of different women, we are considered a "stud". If a woman does that, she is a slut, or a whore. 13) We generally don't learn how to dress ourselves, proper manners, and how to not use a gallon of cologne at a time til we are 25. It is for the most part accepted. Neener Neener ladies! 14) Women take the time to wonder if a man is compatible with her socially, sexually, physically, and mentally. Guy's hope she's horny whenever they want sex. So much easier for us lol. So thats a little overview on why I celebrate "The Season of Man" Feel free to add more reasons why at to have our chromosomes.

Today, on the radio, I learned that the male elephant is the only animal to have an actual bone in his penis. So, technically, when discussing "boners", the elephant is the only animal that you are truly talking about. Since you should try to learn something new every day, most of you can stop looking for your fact today. My son got his grade for his summer school English class. I'm torn, because he got an A-. I don't know whether to be proud of him, or pissed because I knew he could do the work, and this just proves it. I think I'm gonna go with proud. I've been seeing previews for Hellboy II, and I can't wait to see it. The director of Pan's Labyrinth is involved, so visually it should be stunning. I liked the original, and the story looks great. It opens July 11th, and we're getting a group together to go see it. So if you're in North Central IL, look me up, the more the merrier. I am two fans away from 1000. When I first got on here, I never expected that to be possible. I still feel a little guilty, because the person who told me about this, never gave me her link, so she's missing out on a point or two. I've signed up 9 people, and only 1 really does something. I also find it funny that my first year, I was at 500K, and the last six months I went banannas. I guess when you start trusting people, and helping others, good things happen. There is a ventriliquist convention in Kentucky. That is officially the last place in the world I want to be. Those things absolutely creep me out. I blame Warren Beatty and the movie Magic. I saw it when I was a youth, and it scared the crap out of me. And they're just creepy. I'm gonna be in another auction soon. I'll keep you all posted. I'm sure a blog, and a few bullys, will be fourthcoming. Have a stellar day Jay

This weekend wasn't bad all things considered. I went to the movies Friday, we cooked out Saturday night, and went to a cookout Sunday. It's always a good week when you don't turn the stove on. Friday, we went and saw Wanted. The review of it is in my Review blogs. I liked it if you're feeling lazy. Definitely worth seeing. Earlier that night, I was sitting in the car, and my hip popped, and the pain magically disappeared, so I was giddy also that my hip was feeling good. Saturday, I woke up feeling great. Hip pain just in the muscle, decent night's sleep, sunny out, what more could I ask for? I was feeling froggy, and when the wife went to work, I mowed the lawn, trimmed it, and generally got it looking the way I like it. Since my injury, my wife and the boy have been working on the yard, and they don't do it like i like, and always miss a spot or two, so it was nice to have it done right. I then puttered around the house, and waited to see if the boss would get off work early enough to go grocery shopping for cooking out that night. She wasn't, so I let the dog out, jumped in the shower, and got dressed. I went to the kitchen, looked out the window, and saw that it was windy out. Before I could even process that, I saw our patio umbrella blow by. Not good. So I went out to get the umbrella, and then saw that the glass part of the table was now in a million pieces. Yep, 2 hours from cookout, and no table. That's when the wife pulled up, and she wasn't happy lol. So I dipped into the ol bonus, and bought a new patio table. I do like this one much better, so thats a good thing, and the place we bought it at undercharged me by $20. I then shopped for dinner, came home, and started preparing the food. We had shark steaks, Marlin Steaks, and Salmon kabobs. All were very good. I'm not a huge Salmon fan, but the marinade on it was really good. We also grilled eggplant, had corn on the cob, and some salad. I also made some veggie kabobs. Very healthy, and very tasty. Our friends new boyfriend seems really nice. They're both almost vegetarian, with the occasional fish, so thats why we cooked what we did. I'm glad we did, it was good. Sunday, we cooked out and lit off fireworks at our friends house. They have 4 kids under 7, so its a big change for us. They're hyper, and smart, and add in fireworks, and they're bouncing off the walls. Despite the children factor, we had a good time. I know if it was me, I'd be slipping those kids a mickey around noon to calm them down, but thats why its great visiting with them, because we can go home. I know, this is boring as shit to you, but it was a pretty good time if you were there. As a side note, my youngest called me Saturday to wish me "Happy Father's Day" and find out what his brother got me. I am still a little frustrated with him and his mother, but oh well. Apparantly, he learned well how to be selfish. He has a good teacher.

I'm excited, because we're cooking out tomorrow with friends. I like to cook out a variety of things, but as something new, I think I'm getting tuna steaks and grilling them. I've never done this, but our friend's bf only eats fish and veggies, so the challenge is on. I will probably be scouring the internwet for some interesting recipes, but am thinking tuna steaks, some veggie kabobs, pork chops, and a few steaks for variety. Also some corn on the cob, and maybe some potatoes on the grill. I love corn on the cob, so thats a definite yes. So if anyone has some spices that bring out the flavor of fish on the grill, could you give me a hollar? I have some ideas, but any help would be bueno. If I remember, I'll take pics to show you how it turned out. Happy Weekend everyone!

You know, when you put adored by all in your name, you would think that people would understand that they are supposed to shower 11's, 10's, and the occasional bling on me. But amazingly, some people have taken the opportunity to rate me in all my monkey gorgeousness a 1!!! I may personally be a 1, but that photoshop is top notch, and deserves high marks all around. The beautiful Princess made it for me, and she needs to be rewarded for her wonderfulness. But to the people who rated me 1's, do you really think that one rating of 1 is enough to put me in my place? Let me tell you, it isn't. If I were you, and thank God I'm not, I would go through all my pics, and rate them a 1, then thumbs down all my stash. Now THAT would teach me a lesson. Hell, I'd even send me a gift with a nasty message, just to let me know what you really think. I assure you I will not give you 1's back. Nope, I'll give you 10's. If you do it enough, I'd probably give you a gift for your time. Hell, I won't even block you, because you might forget, and come back for seconds. Now if you spout off like an asshat, then you may get blocked. Disparging remarks about my sweet grandma, or perhaps one of my fine friends, then you will get blocked. Why, because I don't want to hear it. I am friendly to all. I am the Fu Ghandi. But my interaction is with you. If you don't like one of my other friends, let me know, and I will minimize the interaction between the two of you when it concerns me. I won't be in the middle of a squabble. I will tell you as such. So folks, my page is a site of peace and love. But if you feel the need to downrate me, feel free. It all counts the same pointwise.

The ecoterrorist group PETA has taken offense at Wimbledon's practice of shooting pigeons to remove the flying rats from the grounds. Apparantly the birds are all over, and they took to having sharpshooters pluck them one by one from the storied event. Instead, they have released two trained hawks, who go around and chase away and bully the pigeons into submission. Living in the country, I understand that it is way more humane to get ripped apart by a bird of prey then a pellet thru the skull. Apparantly bird on bird violence is approved by PETA. Which brings me to my point. I don't think that I could smuggle the hawks into the country, so I'm putting this fine idea out to an English Fubarian. I want you to get a pair of identical hawks. I don't care how you do it, legal or otherwise, just do it. I then want you to take the time to train it to retrieve tennis balls. Snatch them out of the air. If they can snag a pigeon in the air, they should be able to grab a tennis ball that is lobbed into the air. Have fun with it then. Call in, call yourself a group protesting the misuse of whatever you like. Just don't say you're from PETA, its all I ask. Besides, they'll be protesting the removal of your hawks, and eagles may be shipped in.