Sketchy At Best's blog: "Mindless rantings"

  Folks, I've spent almost 20 years of my life looking for your houses.  I delivered pizza's for 8 years, and I've been locating utilities fr over 10 years, so I know a thing or two about finding people's houses.  So I just want to remind you of a few things the next time you call in for something to be delivered to your house, whether it be in 30 minutes or 72 hours.

1)  When you order a pizza, time lies when you are having sex, and we'll get to your house before you finish.  So keep that in mind and order after you finish.

2)  Don't play your music or TV so loud you can't hear us knocking.  Alot of food delivery places pay by delivery, so I'f I'm waiting for a Pink Floyd song cranked to 11 to finish, thats 15 minutes of my life that I'm not getting paid for.

3)  Don't get so drunk that you pass out waiting for your food.  There is nothing worse that showing up and see your drunk ass on the couch, oblivious to me pounding on your door.  If you're gonna pass out, leave the money taped to the door, or at least on your table, I'll leave you change, minus my tip.  You'll be a great tipper that night.

4)  For all of you people who build a beautiful house, spend the extra $6-$20 and put a GOD DAMNED NUMBER on your house.  If you don't, you've given up all rights to bitch when your food isn't delivered, or your yard not located, because you live in a sea of houses and no numbers are on it.  Hopefully your neighbors are smart enough to put up numbers, so the process of elimination allows us to find it.

5)  Farmers...the government is gonna find you if they want to, so put up numbers on your mailbox telling us what address is yours.  You'd be amazed at how many old timers refuse to number their properties, to make it harder for people to find them.  It's the 21st century, Big Brother sees all, we don't.

6)  Empty lots don't have marked addresses.  So please put a crappy little sign with a number on it, so we can find it the first time.  We'll remember after that.

7)  For your dogs safety, and ours, please either tie him up, or leave him inside when you are expecting a delivery.  Dogs no matter what size will defend their property if they feel threatened.    When I had a pizza in hand, the smell usually kept them at bay.  When I'm carrying a transmitter...not so much.  We had 10 dog attacks last year.  Considering the number of tickets we do, that is a relatively small number, but all could be avoided.

Personally, I wear steel toed boots, and if it came down to it, I'd stomp fluffy if he attacked.  Luckily, Elvis and Smoegals smell tends to let dogs know I'm dog friendly.

8)  Time your sprinklers so they're on early or late.  If they're on and its 90 degrees out and noon, you're just frying your lawn anyway.  If its 90 degrees out, I probably wouldn't mind sprinklers now that I think about it.

9)  If I'm painting the lines on your lawn, wait five minutes before letting kids or animals out.  The paint takes that long to dry, and will ruin clothing(I have a few shirts and pants I wear, that are paint speckled), and dogs roll in it (I was talking to a gentleman until we looked over, and his American Eskimo was a lovely shade of pink, because the dog rolled over where I painted an electric line red.  He was not as amused as I was.

10) Keep kids away in general.  We're strangers.  If they have to see what we're doing, come out with them, and wear something lowcut.  Remember, usually we're strangers.  I want nothing to do with your kids, most of us don't, but every company has people with secret lives.

11) If you're gonna plant a tree, you'll be my best friend forever if you mark where you are going to put it.  If I had a dollar for everyone who's come out, after watching me mark out their whole yard, and tell me I wasted my time, because they won't be near our stuff, I'd have enough to buy a sledgehammer and crush their skulls.

12) Bikinis are appreciated.  Laying out topless is even more appreciated.  But we're in your backyard to do a job, not to spy on you.  Don't call the police, ask for ID, we all have it.(except me, it's in my old truck and I never got it back)

13) If you are the head of the neighborhood watch ,most of us are way to lazy to buy a truck, paint logos on it, and then go thru the ruse of locating your neighbors property just to rob you.  Once again, ask us for ID, instead of calling the police.  I have had the same lady call the cops on me 3 times, because we've been bought, and it was a different logo on the truck.  Note to all you young locators out there, people get mad when you tell them to get a life.

14)  On a hot day, we really appreciate the people who offer us water or a soda.  It is not expected, and always a pleasant surprise.  And it ensures that you will more than likely never have a late locate, especially on a hot day.  For the three people who have given me lunch throughout my career, I guarantee you'll never have a late locate if I get it.

15)  In the above case, and with good tippers, we ALWAYS remember who have taken care of us in the past.  For those who don't tip, get a DiGiornos tight ass.

America, I am sick of recovering. What I find amazing, is that, even though I had major surgery...nobody really cares anymore. Don't get me wrong. The friends I have online check up on me every day. They see how I'm feeling, making sure I'm walking and taking care of my diet (high blood sugar), and making me feel good about myself. But the people around me physically, don't really give a shit. I mean they do, but for as much as they're around me...you'd think they could do a little more. Nobody visits. My one friend was on vacation my first week, and he was over almost every day. It was great, and I'm very appreciative of it. The drunken neighbor even stopped by, and lent me "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" seasons. But since then, nobody. My friend went back to work (he travels), and I'm stuck home all day with my wife, who hogs the TV, and so I get stuck watching old, crappy sitcoms. The boy comes home, says hi, and buries himself in his room. I get up early, so I make my own breakfast. By the time she wakes up, has her coffee, about a third of the time, I get lunch made by her. I have some issues with blood sugar, so I've really watched what I'm eating, but I am sick of whole grain, cardboard tasting bread. I tell he this, and she says its healthier for me, so thats what we're getting from now on. Which means I have been skipping lunch, or eating cereal every day for my first two meals. Or sometimes I mix it up with oatmeal one meal, and cereal the next. Somehow in the last three weeks, everything has turned to sugar free in the house, or diet, so it isn't even worth snacking. My metabolism is so low right now, I don't want to drink water in fear of gaining weight. I absolutely hate being home, it is like prison. I can't go back to work full time till after the snow is mostly over, because the boss' are afraid I'll stop in a hidden ditch or run, and fuck up my back again, so I'm stuck here til at least March 1st. Where is global warming when you need it most. I thought this surgery would make everything better, but I am still absolutely miserable, and depressed, and wish I had a time machine. I guess the good news is my wife now doesn't need surgery, so I don't have to worry about that. Now if she'd just go out and look for a job, so she'd quit nagging and leave me alone, that would be awesome. So I get tasteless food, a warden looking over my shoulder as soon as she decides to wake up, and a bunch of "friends" who have forgotten about me mostly. I hate my life

Recently, I had a friend who broke up with his "fiance" and since I was friend with him, she also had me on messenger and various sites. What it came down to is she decided to go meet a person from her past, and he just wanted a renewed friendship, nothing more, so she thought she could come back to everything normal. And surprisingly to all of us, their lease where they stayed was up, and he told her I found a place for me, good luck to you. But anywho, since then, every few days I get a message on yahoo, with the general message of have I found Jesus, it's time I let him into my life, etc... I'm hoping that she is sending them out as a mass message, another of my friends get them from her, but who knows. And now the stupid "Angel" in your email have started again. I had a conversation, and even a blog on another site that she is on, about this. So once again, if anybody has an idea that they want to send me an angel, please send me the true ones, who were under God's command, and smited his enemies. The ones who just look over you don't do shit. In fact, if you are dead set on sending me an imaginary person, make it a leprechaun, because I sure could use a pot o' gold!

From now on, my blogs will be on a more personal note, with names and things that you won't recognize. I tried to be general on here, and entertain, but nobody reads my crap anyway, so I'll just write them on here, and copy and paste them to a site where I actually have people read them. I did a small experiment, and posted the same blog on both sites, and the results were overwhelming. I'm wasting my time blogging on here lol. So if you're confused by something I wrote, or don't get a reference, because you actually read some of my crap, feel free to ask, and i will explain.

Yesterday, we had a mandatory meeting at work, at 430 PM. It was supposed to be this morning, but that wasn't convenient enough for the VP, and to be honest, he could meet more of us at once at the later meeting, so I'm fine with that. So four groups of us met in Bloomington, and got to listen to his take on where we are. And he layed it on thick, talking up the company he came from (we merged with them), while giving our half backhanded compliments. Since it was a crowd heavy with his old company, he went over well. But that isn't the point of this. He then gets to the point where he does a Q & A. So we go through the usual questions, the me me me questions I call them. Will we get more money? Will I have les work? How will we get laid off for winter? And in reality, we should have gotten out of there in a half hour. The VP said absolutely nothing that wasn't said in the daily emails we get. Or he spun his answer so that we never got an answer, but he got to blab for five minutes. I've seen it all before. In fact, when we got bought by our old company, he gave us the same speech. And then proceeded to quit a month later. So I'm ready to go. And my leg is starting to throb, because we are standing in a parking lot, and not moving, so that wasn't the best conditions for my back. Then one guy in our group, and one guy in another group, took over. And the questions started. And went on. And on. And on. We ended up being there for 3 friggin hours. But the best part, about 2 hours into it, some dumb ass asked for a smoke break, and drink break. We are standing in the middle of the parking lot, about 300 yards from the closest building, which is under construction. And this retard wants a smoke break. I wanted to walk over and kick him in the balls. Legally, I think I could. So in review, they paid me for 4 hours yesterday, I learned absolutely nothing, and saved some vacation time. I'll take the small victory. I already told my boss, and his, that I want to be the first to volunteer for layoff, so I can get the surgery, or the physical therapy, that I need. I didn't tell him that part, but that I volunteered. So if any of you are the people who ask stupid questions during meetings...shut up.

I'm gonna do something here, that I never thought that I would do. And it pains me to do it more than most of you can imagine. I would like to take this moment to commend the Boston Red Sox. I hate the Red Sox more than any other sports team, but they did good in dealing away Manny. No more Manny being Manny BS, the guy is 100% with what is wrong with baseball. He is a guy who is an incredible hitter. He's put up Hall of Fame numbers. But I'd like to be the first to say, in my book, he's not close to being a Hall of Famer. On the plus side, he's a great hitter, good power and average numbers. By all accounts, he's a great teammate, with many players saying that they love being around him. He's a fan favorite, well, sometimes he is. Big Friggin Deal! He made millions a year. But that was NEVER enough. He was always crying that he never felt wanted. They pay you $20000000 a year retard, that's plenty reasons showing that they want you. He always has an injury a year that keeps him out a few weeks. Some legitimate, some because I don't think that he works as hard as he should. He doesn't hustle. When he's pouting, it's even worse. For that much money, he should hustle his ass down the line every play. This is the thing that bugs me the most. I hope that my grandkids, since my kids hate sports, never watch a video of this guy, and think that is how the game is played. And lastly, his long hair, his sloppy uniform...absolutely no respect for the greatest game on earth. I'm disgusted with him every time I see him. But being a Yankee's fan, and him a Yankee killer, I'm doubly glad he's gone. I just wish the Red Sox would have traded him to the Pirates, so he can sit in last place, and miss what he really had. But he's gone, the Red Sox are a worse team because of it, and thats great to. Go Yankees

As most of you who read my mindless yappings know, my back and hip is in bad shape. I had a week where things seemed on the upswing, then a relapse, but in that period, I decided that no matter how much it hurts, I have to start doing normal things, within reason. Which means, if there is something I can do that I don't have to sit for extended periods of time, squat, bend over, run, lift heavy things, or sleep for over 5 hours...or have sex...I'm your man. So of course, my mom immediately wants me to put together a glider she bought. That takes 4 of the six. My wife comes up with a honey do list, which entails all six of the actions. I have a few things myself I'd like to do, but I understand, and want to wait for the boy to get home, so he can do the heavy work. So now I am back to square one. I think that I am better off just pretending I can't do anything, so at least they can get that through their numb skulls. I just want to recuperate. The problem is, nothing is working. But I do know enough to not over do it. I just wanted to vent a little. For two people who "have my best interests in mind", they sure don't listen to them.

In case you ever meet me, you will probably immediately fall in love with my wit and charm, and want to ply me with things that I enjoy, so here is a list of things that are my favorites...take notes if you want. Candy...Jelly Belly's, I can't get enough of them, but chocolate covered coffee beans are closing in Soda Mt Dew...any Pepsi product will do, in a glass glass Cookies Nutter Butter for prepackaged, white chocolate chip and macadamia nut for homemade Pie...Pineapple Sandwich Hard Salami and Peanut Butter, don't knock it til you try it Movie Comedy...Clerks Drama...Resoivoir Dogs Action...The Bourne Movies Sci Fi...The Riddick Trilogy English Crime movies are my favorite genre Porn...Lesbian with toys Music Rock...Nirvana Country...Hank III Oldies...The Who Punk...Black Flag Sports Baseball...Yankees Football...St Louis Rams Hockey...Los Angeles Kings Basketball...Lakers Books I like Non Fiction, leaning towards crime Animals.Monkeys Song Zero, by The Smashing Pumpkins Fruit Bananna Car Mini Cooper Color Purple Condiment Horseradish sauce Fast Food Taco Bell Food Mexican Beer Bellhaven, or maybe Tetley Liquor Captain Morgan Foofy Drink Pina Colada Shot Free, or Jagerbombs Season Fall Shoes Doc Martens..the Beatle boot looking boots, I have two pair, want one more to complete the colors Cartoon Old School Popeye So there you go. I'm easy to please. It is a well known fact, I'll eat the same meal days in a row. So plan ahead!

Khloe Kardashian, sister of amateur porn star Kim, daughter of Robert Kardashian, of defending OJ fame, serverved 4 hours and 27 minutes of her 30 day sentence, for not finishing a program related to a previous arrest, I believe DUI. What is the sign of the Apocalypse in all this. Ms. Kardashian, while in jail, was told by the warden that there were 3, count them 3, bomb threats because she was there. If this is true, it is official, I am in a hand basket, and am on my way to hell. Two questions...Who in their right mind ,not named Khloe Kardashian, would call in a bomb threat because she is in jail? Number two. Who does she really think would believe that there were bomb threats called into the jail because of her? I find it a stretch calling her sister a B-list celebrity. She's famous for having a big ass, and making a porn with an ex bf. Let me tell you, that describes half of the United states. Her sister is a bit player in the reality show "starring" her sister. She runs the family boutique. They party. Their asses get bigger with each show. So whoever called in the bomb threat...please follow through! In real star related news, the fine levied because Janet Jackson had a wardrobe malfunction has been thrown out in court. The half million dollars will now be used to pay off the lawyers. I'm glad that they overturned this. We are out of the dark ages folks. Janet Jackson's nipple, I feel it has been proven, has not caused one child to knock over a liquor store. Not one murderer on the stand has said they killed because they saw her nipple, with its bulletproof guard on it. Congratulations America, we have almost grabbed ourselves up by the bootstraps, and gotten ourselves up to TV standards that have been in place in Europe since the 60's. And finally, I watched the show "Brooke Knows Best" over the weekend. In my defense, it hurts for me to move, the clicker was on the couch, and I was on Vicodin, so there I was. It's about Hulk Hogan's "little?" girl moving out on her own, getting a taste of the mean streets of Miami. Of course, if she looks thru binoculars from her penthouse balcony, she may be able to see the mean streets of Miami, but she has no chance of seeing them by the naked eye. She has a gay roommate, and is looking for a third. Hulk is there, freaking because she has a hot tub (disease pool, could be hit by lightning, always go in threes into it), because she's looking for a third roommate, because her gay roommate has slept with women in the past, and buying various safety items for the house. The only think creepier about the Hulkster's hair, is how he acts around his daughter. I mean, when he leaves her place, I want to smell his fingers its that creepy. He is fending off boys like he's dating her. And I'd like to be the first to give the surprise twist of the show's finale. Brooke Hogan has a penis. I can't prove it yet, but that is one manly looking girl. It's official, I watch too much reality TV. Kill me, Mr 7000000