There’s a saying that goes, “The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.”
and since Im dark as hell....I subscribe to that theory....
This is normally said in the context of sex and race...... In other words — for the slow or mentally lazy folks in the peanut gallery — the darker the woman/man is, the better the sex.....
Ummmmmmm….. I don’t know about all that.....
Sure, it’s a witty saying......but so is the saying....... “It ain’t the size of the boat...... but the motion of the ocean.”
And the comments on yesterday’s entry proved that women will gather in the hen house and ridicule a dude with a little dizzle.....
Lemme tell you........the ocean can be motioning like a muhfukka........ but if dude is sailing a rubber duckie instead of a 50-foot yacht..... he doesn’t deserve to get wet.....
Real talk......
“Oh Lawd, here goes Kav on yet another sex rant!”
Nah nah…. not true........ I’m actually gonna talk about the other angle of that “blacker berry, sweeter juice” theorem......
Let’s talk about the Black part.
Back in high school.....one of my friends was dating this girl who had a friend she was trying to hook up........ Naturally...... my friend told his girl about me....... and they arranged for me and his girl’s friend to talk on the phone......
I know that last paragraph is valley-girl-Beckyish — “Sara told Megan that Bobby said Alexis really likes Jason, but Sally said Megan is the one who told Sara that Alexis and Jason like sweet dill pickles.”
WTF?!?!? — but read it again so you can follow me, cool?
Anyway......
so ol’ girl and I get on the phone and we start describing how we look........ This was before email and camera phones and all that.....so descriptions were as good as it was gonna get until we could meet up face to face.
One thing Black folks do that makes us a little unique to other races is to describe our complexion........ It is well known that Black folks can be very light or very dark........ So just saying you’re Black doesn’t cut it......
I told her my height and weight and told her I was “chocolate.”
She told me her height, that she had long, good hair, and that she was a “red-bone.”
now she had me at the "ggod hair" since Im in posession of that myself....thanks to mi padre's cubano roots....
but damn........You just gotta love Black folks.
I mean, can you imagine Asian folks talking about, “A lot of people say my complexion is like butter....... but I tend to think I’m more urine-colored…. the light kind… not the golden brown azz dehydrated shyt.”
Or Indians saying, “I’m more of a strawberry than a fire engine....... But in the summer, I’m a shade of sun dried tomato.”
The one that really gets me is lighter skinned Hispanic women saying that they have a butter pecan complexion! *lol*
WTF is a butter pecan?!?! You mean, like the ice cream?!?!?
So, you mean to tell me your azz is vanilla with brown spots?!?!
That’s on some bovine shyt!...... Maria is off-white with brown spots!!.......Or are you more Lassie-like?!??.......And you get mad when I call you a bytch?!?!....... You just said you have a Lassie-complexion!!
Butter pecan???....... Nell Carter, gimme a damn break.
Anyways.....
When I finally met this chick....... there wasn’t shyt red about her bones........LOL.......... But being a nice guy — and wanting to hook up because the girl was STILL fine despite her non-red-bonededness — I didn’t say anything about it.
Until….
This heffa called me out talkin’ ’bout “Eeeewwww nygga, I thought you said you was chocolate!........ You ain’t no chocolate!”
What???....... I’m not chocolate???....... I’m brown. I’m not dark brown, I’m not apline white. I’m brown........ Chocolate is brown, thus I’m chocolate......or you could say Im fudge.....
But I admit, I was a bit shook!
“So if I’m not chocolate… what the fuck am I?”
“You’re more of a burnt fried chicken complexion…. like medium brown....... Or like a roasted peanut brown....... Like dark peanut butter.”.......
Ok, this heffa just called me Skippy.......
This.will.not.stand.
“Well I mean, you ain’t no red-bone!....... You yella as hell!”
(my feelings were hurt)
“I ain’t yella!..... My undertone under my light skin is red!”
Undertone???......bitch please.......“No girl… your BLOOD is red....... Your SKIN is yellow as corn niblets!”
*LOL*
Nowadays, Negroes are describing themselves as flavors of Starbucks....... This is how you KNOW gentrification and corporate brainwashing is alive and well!!....... Back in the day, folks would break out the 64-in-a-box Crayolas and be like, “See! See! I told yo’ azz I wasn’t no dayum Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown!....... Look, this is me right here, nygga…. desert sand. I’m desert sand!!”
But no more!........Folks,......especially women, will be like.........“I’m like a caramel mocha latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.”
Now what in the Ricky Bell hell does that mean???
You need a damn culinary degree just to figure out the complexion of the chick on the other end of the phone!!....... And you know....... the only reason they add in shyt like caramel and nutmeg and cinnamon is because it makes they brown azz sound tasty!!....... LMAO
What sounds more attractive to you: someone with a creamy, dark chocolate complexion or someone with a doo doo brown complexion???
Same damn color!!!........ But one sounds fine as hell and one sounds fukkin horrible!!
And they always use the good Starbucks drinks like an Iced Cappuccino to describe themselves….
even if they are as Black as a kettle at midnight!!
You know why??......... Because saying your complexion is “Black like coffee… no milk… no sugar… no Splenda…. no creamer…. no nothing…. just Black. Like, coffee” doesn’t sound appealing!
*LOL*
Or they try and get all creative and say they’re like a “Brewed French Roast.”
Yeah, your azz is roasted, alright.
Anways....., I don’t know what that yellow azz chick had against being called yellow..... but she was not having it!! LOL
She was a red-bone and no one could tell her otherwise.
Needless to say, we didn’t see each other again after that day.
And that was fine by me…. her yellow azz berries probably weren’t that sweet any-damn-way.....
Say Word.....
