Alone I sit wondering why my weakness is so strong
I reach out to the outside world
Wondering where I belong
Lonliness capturing me, imprisoning me,
Slowly I am dying inside
Wet tears turning into ice
From the Love I have been denied
Trying each day to do the right thing
But I was taught only anger and pain
How can I raise children to be healthy
When each cut gets closer to the vein
My lonliness and My anger
It destroys me to the bone
I am so surrounded by love
But in my heart I am still alone
Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson
As a child I suffered severe abuse, As a teenager I placed my self in some horrible situations, to only get hurt, physically and emotionally and other ways I can only pray that no one reading this has had to go through,
As years progressed I found a way to handle my emotional pain, I caused sever physicall pain to myself..
I was your average cutter, I almost suceeded a couple of times of ending my life. It sure is amazing how all the other times I cut myself it stayed hidden untill The day I went too deep! Almost bleeding too death I was found and hopitalized.
I realized all the times I felt alone I guess I really wasn't..................... I should not be here Not from what I have been through, but I am here, A survivor just trying to let the past go
Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson
In My Heart
The dreams that I hide from everyone
Are kept alive deep inside
The love that I am afraid to show
Is hidden under fear and pride
The sorrow and the tears
The memories I hide
The child I never could be
and the child hood that was denied
ALL lives hear in my heart
Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson
My Monster
I know it is my fault, I can’t shake this feeling of hatred and resent
My heart is yearning for something more , I am never quite content
I am nobodies victim anymore.. And no one can hurt me ever again
So why is my heart still locked away, and I am so lost within
Sometimes I feel alive, but mostly inside I feel dead
My heart is beating but I am what I dread
A true monster, selfish, no patience, and little control
I hate myself sometimes, at least the part that lives without a soul.
Somehow I manage to keep the demon inside me quiet for a while
I can love and laugh and even have an honest smile
But I can not kill this demon, this monster that lives inside of me
And sometimes for no reason the part I hate breaks free
Awakening the past I have tried to bury down so deep
The memories keep resurfacing, this pain is just too steep
Again the real me is buried while the ugly comes out to play
Is there ever an end, will this monster ever go away
Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson
I am so screwed up
I can not do anything right
My life is a constant battle
Even in the dreams I dream at night
I am so worn out
Of trying to fight this depression
I have been at war that it has darkened
My facial expression.
Each day just trying to get through
Sometimes I just don’t know what to do
Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson
My testimony
I never believed I was worth loving.
I thought everything bad was my fault
I had been hurt my childhood life so I locked my heart up in an iron vault
I sat in self pity and self hatred
my death was what I anticipated
I did not want to hurt no more
I rather would be dead
I use to cut my wrist and armsJust so I could see the red
Hurt is all I ever felt
No matter where I went it never changed
Perhaps a different circumstance
Or maybe some things were rearranged
Yet somehow physicall abuse caught up to me
No matter who I ran to
And in my head I thought if everyone can hurt me
Than I can do it to
Than in a moment I was a mother with child
I carried life inside my womb
I finally believed in dreams again
And I crawled out of my tombLife started to make since
I had a purpose and nothing else mattered anymore
I was free of my past
All the past no longer matterd any more
But the Lord had another purpose
He had another plan
And my heart was broken more
Than by any other man
For instead of giving birth to a new life
I gave birth to a lifeless baby
And all my hopes and dreams
Were ripped away from me
I lashed out and made many mistakes
I heart others and cause deep heartbreak
Nothing else could ever matter
My world was nothing but torn and shatterd
Then like a miracle....a rainbow after the rain
The Lord blessed me with another life that got me through the pain
Not that my son could be replaced
but I know he has more peace and love than I could ever give
And through the Lord and my sons, I had a new reason to live.
I let the Lord in and handed him my broken heart
He put it back together though it was torn millions of pieces apart
Copyright ©2006 Mandy Faith Wilson
Like everybody I have made some pretty bad mistakes in my life. I hurt people.....though it was never my intentions.....but sometimes life just works that way. U never know what life is going to throw at you. Sometimes you are strong enough to over come it. SOMETIMES U CRASH AND BURN.....What makes you strong is learning from the mistakes and move on.
I use to live in self pity. I grew up with a lot on my plate. No.....I will not go into my whole childhood.....but it succked like a lifetime Movie. It could have been a life time movie......that's my next project...lol. Anyways for the longest time I was hurt and messed up. I was so young and even younger emotionally when I started running away from home and stuff....I ended up in some pretty nasty situations. and even worse when I was 18.I was your typical Screwed Up Kid. I hated myself and I blamed my self for everything.
Well now that I am grown I realized yes I made some mistakes....but nothing that deserved what I went through. I have learned to make life a learning experiance. AND YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON......You can trust but not be niave. But you have no right to play games with other peoples hearts........Dont test people. Dont hurt people...dont use people..or hurt people Its one thing when you were the victim in life.......YOu dont want to be like the one who hurt you......And after awhile you need to move on and stop being the victim. So many pple including my self who have been hurt can never let go of that pain. I didnt let go of the pain till i was like 24. I decided I am no longer a victim and I am not going to let my past hold me back. NO MORE FEElING SORRY FOR MYSELF.
It took a lot of time. and my faith in the Lord kept me strong. And I had some really special friends.......A Few REAL FRIENDS....that loved me no matter what........friends who were on my side but honest with me. They didnt act as a crutch like some of my other so called friends did.....ppl that bought me down. And my husband A.J.........we have been through hell and back and took that trip a couple times. It takes true love to get through what we have been through. And God had his hand in that too.
So now Here I am. Mommy of three. IN love and on Lexapro. Unfortuantly when you live a life of fear, constantly living on edge and in terror....well it causes a chemical imbalence......so if you have had a really rough child hood or tramatic experiance.....that may have caused depression or anxiety check out Lexapro. It works on the imbalance but doesntt cause a high or low like most drugs.....Which is good for a mother of 3 like me.
Each day I would struggle with yesterdays heart break;
Taking it out on those who love me today
I was afraid and ashamed of the thorns of love
I spent my hole life hiding and running away
But no longer will those thorns hurt me
They have dried out and blown into the night
My wounds are finally healing
My scars are fading and I am going to be alright
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