You've Never Heard a Flight Announcement Like This
Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight?
Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a
memorable safety PA (public announcement) from their Flight
Attendants. In the Captains own words....
"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the
flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole
plane looking at each other like "what the fuck!?!?" (Getting Seattle
people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got
airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I
wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most
of it." (BEFORE TAKEOFF) Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San
Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right
place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a
really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important
safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we
have aboard this plane is ...... The Flight Attendants. Please look at
one now. There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over
the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one
of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That
would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and
find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and that
exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll
be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will
blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows,
and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin
pressure these baggy thingies will drop down over your head. You stick
it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now.
The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise . If you
are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a
small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If
you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now
to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first and then
work your way down. In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet
about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan
when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It
also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low
and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab
thingie into the buckle thingie. To release, it's a pulley thingie --
not a pushy thingie like your car, because you're in an airplane --
HELLO!!! There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is
also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the
lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a
free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this
flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking
sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it
is ... the movie tonight is "Gone With the Wind." In a moment we will
be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark,
really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to
reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your
reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If
there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't
hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given
me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?
(AFTER LANDING): Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport.
Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not
the Copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the
plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger
beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Also, please be
careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."