funny thought for the day... — Monday, July 09, 2007
--------- I like making people happy. It's some weird need I have. And even if it means going to their house when invited, eating food they make, and having lots of crazy sex, I'm usually willing to make that sacrifice. Hey, whatever makes THEM happy. Yah, it sux to be me. It's kinda a pain, and a waste of gas, a lot of time and effort. The long drive there and back, and the soreness the next morning from all the physicial exertion. Between stuff like that, and all the time I have from only having two classes now, life is pretty difficult. I guess I'll manage to get through it somehow though.-------
It's supposed to be funny. So all you people who are thinking " go fuck yourself!! Those aren't real problems. " Just read it, laugh, and go on with your day. I realize that from the outside my life looks great, and my issues and concerns are relativly trivial compared to other people's serious problems. They are however, my problems, things causing my life to be less than perfect. And why shouldn't my life be perfect??? LOL
I want people to be happy, but I don't really want to be the source of their happiness. That puts too much responsibilty on me. That's what drugs and alchahol are for. lol.
When I actually say my problems outloud, it sounds crazy. But yes, these are my problems right now. I need to find someone to " make happy " that I want to be with. How am I going to do that at the same time I am doing what I am doing now? It's not so much the kind of relationship I have now that I'm unhappy with, it's how it might affect future ones, that I may want more. But is that even a reallistic question? Am I really ever going to have another one being the antisocial, shy, afraid to talk to people sort of person I am? Do I not worry about one side until I somehow get over the dilemma of not being able to talk to people?
I slept most of my weekend away. The only time I left my house was when people called me. I almost didn't even leave then. It's just hard for me to say no to people, especially when I'm not doing anything else anyway. I'm glad my parents called me. Friday afternoon I went up to my step-dad's brother's property and played poker. It's in the canyon right outside wyoming. It's about 15-20 degrees cooler up there than where I live. They feed the squirls and chipmunks peanuts and other food. It was nice hanging out there and playing cards. It seems like other than people calling me, I just kinda lay in bed and think and sleep the day away. Before I know it, it's 3 or5 pm, and the day is gone. And haven't done anything. Sometimes not shower, not eat, not anything but lay in bed all day. Saturday I laid in bed most of the day. I got on yahoo to talk to my best friend. I talked to him for a while, that was cool. Then I ended up talking to other people for a while. Before I knew it, it was around 5, and I hadn't eaten.
The other one is the writing thing. I watched the movie again. It was kinda funny, but not that great. I may need to watch it over to write a long enough paper on it. Watching tv and movies and writing about hem doesn't seem like it should be too hard. I don't really like staring mindlessly at a screen for very long without being able to interact with it. Whatever. It's frustrating. It's due thursday, It will be the next couple of days project I guess. I also need to do a pursuaisive speach on monday. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do it on. I have to do the opposite side I do on monday a week later. It should be interesing. By interesting I mean terribly stressfull and nervewrecking. I don't usually like preaching to captive audiences. I'll have to talk about something I don't really care about. I have to argue for one side one day, and then the other side another day. It would be hard to talk about the opposite of how I feel about something. The problem is- What don't I really care about?? I care about too much shit in the world. I could find out about something that I don't know about, but then finding out about it, I would probably care about it. Then that's one more thing to get stressed out about...
All in all, life seems pretty good. Except it's not. The innerworkings of my own mind is my downfall. ( Well mostly ) The good news is, all I have to do is somehow change myself. The bad news is I don't really have anyone to blame at this point than myself, maybe partly my genetics. I'm not always sure it's my innerworkings that get to me either, it's the lack of any innerworkings in some other people. Or the inner un-workings? Whatever. I'm responsible for me, and have to do something about this shit.
