One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are
craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay,
but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee
you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which
is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM
Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being
wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic
friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now
if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had
4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet
Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too
quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide
the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the
ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even
your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the
first of about five shits you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor
is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still
have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the
poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate
saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your
bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire
hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems
to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death
sounds pretty good right about now....
