I've decided that today is the shittiest of all holidays. Every year, I spend it alone. Even when I was w the kids' dad, I basically spent it alone. At least then I had drugs... anything to numb the pain would be great right about now. It's not even 3PM, and I'm already considering hitting the booze.
It wouldn't be so bad, but there's nothing like seeing the person you want wanting someone else. I'm not stupid. I'm old enough to see it, and I shouldn't be so bothered I guess, but what can you do? I've spent my whole life caring too much about everyone else and not enough about myself. I've been reduced to suppressing my feelings and slapping on fake smile after fake smile and pretending that I don't hurt.
I'm a robot. It's become second-nature for me. People ask me what's wrong, and like a good little girl, I smile and simply answer "nothing." Idk how much longer I can hide behind the cheap facade and say everything is okay though.
My heart's been crushed, ripped apart, and stepped on so many times, that I'm not sure how much longer it can take it before it just gives up. I don't want to be one of those bitter, loveless people that refuses to see the good in people because every other time they tried it blew up in their face. I'm so close that it scares me sometimes.
It would probably easier at least for a while, but what happens when I'm 50 and alone and miserable? I'll look back, and there will be no one to blame but myself. Then I'll be even more miserable. *sigh* in summation.... Valentine's Day sucks balls. Fuck all the philosophy. The beer is calling.
Bunny
