Life is spastic and rushed. I feel like I'm being ripped in twenty million different directions. School needs my attention, the kids need me. Hope really needs me at times, and hell I need me. Not to mention my masses of friends online and off both that have gotten used to my attention when they need .. well demand it.
Sighs.
To top it off here comes Scott and Greg both at the same time. As if I don't have enough I'm coping with. I have to fight with feelings that I have going on there. On the one hand I have Greg who just somehow possesses my every part. Then here's Scott who I developed some serious feelings for and both... just let me down. I'm so tired of putting everything in a relationship just to see it crash and burn.. sometimes for reasons I'm unaware of.
I don't have the strength, time nor energy to be someone's everything. I need someone to be MY everything. Kinda selfish huh?! But it's true. I need a distraction not a hindrance. It's impossible to even consider these things given the time of the year. Which is where I come to this brick wall of frustration and just want to crash and cry.
I've decided unwillingly to take a class to complete my class schedule. It's called Death and Dying. It was supposed to be about the cultures of the world and the rituals of how they bury their dead. Instead its turned into "you're going to die... face it". BLAH! I so can't handle this class at the moment. I have so much due for this class around the anniversary of my mom's death and I'm trying my best to cope and do it all.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to accomplish this all. Funny thing is I was just telling Hope today that she herself can make it through. I know she can but I doubt myself. Yes, I know, I know... stop doubting myself. It's really not so much that I doubt my ability with school itself.. just this damn godforsaken class!!! My mental state is shaky this time of year as it is, let alone trying to imagine what the hell shall happen when I die. Twenty-one years after the fact I still can't face my parents dying let alone myself. Go figure.
I did grow the balls as you'd say and write my obituary for this class and did it in one sitting. Thank god for yahoo and Hope! I maintained my sanity through it by listening to her crack jokes. God she's handy! I sometimes don't know what I'd do without her. Well her and Martin... oh lord .. laughs to self... Martin. Have I mentioned he's been my sanity for a while?
Poor Martin has been there for six years of listening to me cry through boyfriends, my divorce, brag on the kids, rant and rave on the stupidity of others, and just life in general. I swear I should almost clone him and keep the clone...giggles. It's kickass to just have that one friend (other than Hope) that I don't have to smile my way through a conversation just to play nice! I don't reveal many things to people and that is my own choice. I prefer to keep it that way but in some ways Martin has became my walking, breathing, living journal. Nice of him huh? lol..
Everyone that's close to me keeps screaming that I'm stronger than I think but I do believe that a few of them need to realize I'm kind of at my wits end. I'm craving more from life than just being a mommy, best friend and student. I'm not sure what it is exactly that I'm craving but I'm sure I'll either find it or won't.
Right now I know I just really need a damn good sleeping pill and a weeks vacation from everyone unless its some dream man who just cuddles, nods in agreement as I spaz, and rubs my hair as I bawl my eyes out. I'm almost positive this shit is going to get so much worse being that my nightmares have already begun. God help me...
I did the whole breaking down and crying thing and just did not feel any better afterward. That's bad isn't it?
*beats head on desk and goes back to homework*
Another Day in the life of
Ms BabyLove!!
ps.. yeah so Alan had a nice moment by the way... my first night of this dreaded class he listened to me rant and keep from bursting into tears. Nice huh? Poor guy. But Thank you SuggaLips ;-)
