the night before last found me at work, as per normal...though it seemed anything but, for some as yet, unknown reason. it just felt different.
this was on sunday night....and it was a night of another unexpected snowfall....when we were anticipating a week of continued warming trends...Spring et al...
i was at my major work station by now...where there were a few people gathered....taking refuge as they will when they have nowhere to turn....or go...
this one person...a man of 37, startd a conversation with me, and i engaged in it in response, he with his laptop and a knapsack, and a breath laced with beer. he was definitely under an influence-just not sure what at the time.
through the course of this light dialogue there would be others arriving and moving on...the occasional straggler...one that h spoke with, jokingl telling him that his laptop was stolen, and he was trying to sell it...the person he was saying this to was sketchy....of a dark expression and eyes alert....i could see his thoughts...to snatch and run-or worse. as i approached he saw me and i then told him my friend was just making a joke-the computer was neither for sale, or stolen. the guy looked at me, snorted and left, leaving the two of us alone.
i told him he needed to be very careful who he spoke to, and more, what he said, then asking him if he was seriously trying to sell it. he told me that it all depended....if he was going to jump, then he would certainly not be needing it anymore...looking in his eyes....his face...i knew then he was already on a ledge....a pedestrian bridge...
those were eyes...yes-under the influence of the 6 beers he'd claimed to have had along with the muscle relaxants he'd also taken....but more than that, since the booze and drugs were liberators-not rationales-to his mindset....there was this sense of having given in to a fatigue with life...his life-he was just so tired of it....his eyes spoke loudly.
because he'd had conflicts with the police they were not going to be involved...his family had turned their collective backs on him too-h, owng them much money, and they in turn, having him legally barred from the family homes...
he needed someone....not social service...at least, not yet. it fell upon me to talk to him...to indicate to him that no amount of money is worth any life lost....and that sometimes....a door closed by family, is in fact a positive thing...as it was here with his.
i spoke to him of things...when he told me that his friends would likely not be unhappy at his departure i knew these were not friends at all...and he too needed to know it. i told him that even if he thought that no one would really care when he left i told him he was wrong-that i do care, and i would not allow for it.
we spoke at length...he was very talkative...he, needing to hear and respond to someone for once in a long while....someone who was listening, who was taking an interest...
finally, at one point, he was talking....made a reference to suicide...how he was making a point of reference as to his family....and when i said-no, he'd said more than that-he looked frightened...because he had in fact admitetd at the moment earlier exactly what he was intent on doing....never realising his admission.
the drugs and beer had opened briefly that window...and for that he came to tell me what he was going to do.
this revelation i suspect, scared him into a new mindset...one where now, it was no longer the only option, but not an option at all...
such a sobering experience....feeling this life fluttering in the wind like that...and then...the wind dying to nothingness and he would thus live some more.
as he gave me his number, i thought, is he giving me his number because he thinks i need to check to make sure he isn't dead? or should i tell him i will not call because i already know he will live on...
