~Confused. Drunk. Tired. Lonely. Lost~
I've been drinking for about 10hrs so far, and I'm feeling pretty spun out. I'm emotional, and I miss Jorge like I can't even describe. I didn't get to talk to him last night and there's nobody in his unit on the base to get a msg to him for him to call me before he flies out. It's gonna be atleast 3-4wks before I talk to him again and by that time I'll probably be on vacation in FL again. And after that, I haven't the faintest when he's allowed to call but I'm gonna be writing letters like mad.
After talking to Brandy, Heffy, and the OnCall ICM I made up my mind. When Christine calls me this morning I'm gonna pack my shit and have her take me to St. Lukes ER. I have alcohol in my system so they can't turn me away, I'm depressed, I need to be back in the hospital. I don't want to give Jorge reason to worry about me, I hope he knows that I'm doing this for myself and my children and for him, too. I'm just being a worrywart because he's going back into combat for the next 7 months and I'm already a wreck and he's not even in Iraq yet.
As much as I DON'T want to be back in a hospital setting again, I know deep down it'll be best for me right at this instant in time because I need to get regulated back on some kind of med schedule, and the constant group therapy and individual will help me alot. Outpatient doesn't do shit for me because it gives me the freedom to bullshit in group and go out on the weekends and drink and do whatever I want to do with no shame. Honestly I can't get clean at home. For some people, it works, but for me personally, it doesn't.
"Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great..."
