This is the week I've been dreading the most. My mother passed away one year ago Wednesday at age 65 (one day before the birthday of one of her sisters, no less). It was one of those things were I knew her time on earth was relatively limited, but it still surprised and hurt me when she departed this world.
My mother's death was the bottomless pit of my summer from hell last year. Some of you know the drill: I lost an otherwise strong, healthy relationship so abruptly and with no provocation; my cat nearly bought the catnip farm in the sky due to a sudden illness; and I ran into a severe emotional rut at work. I mentally asked the rhetorical question, "could things get any worse?"
Yes. Yes they surely could. I posed the wrong query.
I have never cried as much as I did the morning my mom died. You know how much I loved and adored her, more than any other human being. A single mom to be sure, she raised me well thanks to her faith, persistence, patience, unconditional love and help from my immediate family members in the same household. We were extremely close. A part of me died that day.
Many of you don't realize the depths of depression I underwent that week. The range of emotions surged to even my brief consideration of the unthinkable -- just giving the whole damned thing up. I mean, who else is left to depend on me? Who else is left to be accountable to?
More questions burdened my mind: hey, haven't been able to finish college, not much else going career-wise, a setback in a romantic relationship...now the inspiration for my life is gone. What else is there to live for? Really? Seriously?
Don't get me wrong. I didn't receive a George Bailey/It's a Wonderful Life epiphany. Nothing singular and melodramatic like that. Instead, I slowly saw the reason to keep going, to trudge along and try to accomplish positive goals rather than walk the remainder of my life aimlessly, nihilistic and apathetic.
I saw the reason in my mom. She wouldn't have wanted me to remain depressed and so harshly cynical. She would want me to be content in my personal and professional life. I saw the reason in my remaining immediate family - two aunts, one uncle, even some pets that love and care for me. They see me even as the reasonable glue that keeps everyone else together, grounded and somewhat sane.
I saw the reason in my career. To make a difference not only in newspaper reporting, but perhaps in my poetry and prose. To entertain and educate for the better. I saw the reason in traveling to places and doing things I have not done yet. Hell, I've lived in San Antonio all my life and there are still activities and sights I have yet to enjoy, much less the world around us.
And I saw the reason in my friends. My group of pals is an eclectic bunch by various means. I love and respect them all. Why do my friends stick by me even if I do socialize and/or chat with them merely on occasion? Maybe it's my kindness, charm, intellect, articulate conversation, honesty, maturity, biting wit, open-mindedness, compassion or a mix of some of these traits. Who knows? All I know is ... you all are crazy for even acknowledging your association with me. LOL
The past year has been filled with ups and downs, mostly ups. I'm still doing my best to reaffirm future directions. Hopefully for the even better. In the meantime I do thank once more my family for their never-ending support and love. To my pets, who have no idea why sobbed that dark day last August for a few hours. They just know I was in extreme pain. They stayed by my side, quietly but loyal.
I thank once more my colleagues for their patience and understanding. Nonetheless, they still have no clue that I play hooky and slack off a ridiculous amount of work-related time 8-P
I thank my friends, particularly those who presented condolences in person, or by phone or email during that initial mourning stage: Diosdado, Daniel, Elisa, Martin, Raul, Connie, Chip, Kathay, Alex, among others. I'm sure we'll start see or talk with each other more often. Eventually. Ultimately. By this decade's end. I thank the relatively newer friends in my life -- Lindy, Rhonda, Laura for their encouraging words.
And gracias to Mindy, who is relatively new in my life. But she has made a very significant positive impact in my life immediately after my most devastating personal challenges. I really can't thank her enough for her insight, poise and companionship. But I'll try my best.
I shall endeavor to provide you all and others with a source of friendship, pride and free entertainment. Like virtually every other human being, I don't know where I'll end up 5, 10, 20 or 50 years from now. Maybe a renowned journalist/novelist/poet. Perhaps a public servant/stand-up philosopher. Possibly even ditch all my earthly possessions and become a theologian. Even an astronomer. I hope, though, I can still count you as an amigo -- someone with whom I can enjoy delightful adventures and engaging dialogue. As well as well an individual whom I can count upon for bail money or their vote during my run for public office LOL
I may miss my mother dearly, I realize she is now pain-free, no longer here to endure the sufferings of this world. That brings me some consolation. I will visit her grave Wednesday not so much with a heavy heart, but with fond memories of our times together. And a desire for an equally long, fruitful life of my own all the while my mother and grandparents happily look on from God's kingdom.
In memory of Mary Lou Ortiz.
Joy of Death by Emily Dickinson
If tolling bell I ask the cause.
'A soul has gone to God,'
I'm answered in a lonesome tone;
Is heaven then so sad?
That bells should joyful ring to tell
A soul had gone to heaven,
Would seem to me the proper way
A good news should be given.
The Fear Of Life And Death by Sri Aurobindo
Death wanders through our lives at will, sweet Death
Is busy with each intake of our breath.
Why do you fear her? Lo, her laughing face
All rosy with the light of jocund grace!
A kind and lovely maiden culling flowers
In a sweet garden fresh with vernal showers,
This is the thing you fear, young portress bright
Who opens to our souls the worlds of light.
Is it because the twisted stem must feel
Pain when the tenderest hands its glory steal?
Is it because the flowerless stalk droops dull
And ghastly now that was so beautiful?
Or is it the opening portal's horrid jar
That shakes you, feeble souls of courage bare?
Death is but changing of our robes to wait
In wedding garments at the Eternal's gate.
Do not stand at my grave and weep by Mary Frye
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!
