To help spread the word about the FSM in a world lead astray by other faiths, science and the Atkins Diet, Henderson has put together a comprehensive guide to the satirical religion.
"The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" outlines the basic tenants of "Pastafarianism," as worship of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is known, along with its history from the beginning of time - when the al dente deity created a tree, a mountain and a midget - until the present day, as he deigns to make his presence known to us.
In the process, Henderson presents previously unthought-of ideas concerning the world. Perhaps kiwi birds are not evolutionarily incapable of flight, it's just that they are too lazy to try. Given the proper motivation, such as loading them into a truck and dumping them off of a cliff, they might soar majestically.
Scientists and politicians have argued over the causes, and even the existence, of global warming, but Henderson posits a unique and highly scientific reason: There has been a marked increase in the climate in the last 200 years because of the decrease in pirates, who were the disciples of the FSM. Proof of this is shown by the scientific fact that the temperature decreases in the months following Halloween when people dress in the traditional garb of His followers.
Occasionally, though, Henderson tries too hard to evoke laughs, which detracts from the humor by placing too heavy a hand on the satire. The eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts," a parody of the Ten Commandments, reads like a bitter shopping list of the same criticisms most often lauded against organized religions.
Likewise, the humor in his attempts to incorporate the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Pastafarians into the Old Testament begins to grow limp soon after he introduces The Olive Garden of Eden.
Exploiting the lack of empirical data required for an Intelligent Design theory, "The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" turns a humorous eye on criticisms of both ID and Evolutionary Theory. Using logical and scientific "proofs," Henderson shows how both theories point to the handiwork of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Many ID proponents are quick to point out that their ideas do not directly identify the Judeo-Christian God as creator. Since they obviously don't think God is important enough to give him credit, Henderson writes, the creator of the world clearly must be the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Likewise, man evolving from apes seems rather far-fetched when the data is examined (humans share only 95 percent of their DNA with chimpanzees yet share 99.9 percent of their DNA with pirates, clearly proving they are our true ancestors).
"The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" is a light and enjoyable read that takes a humorous approach to the Intelligent Design/Evolution debate, leaving neither side unscathed in the process.
With this new "holy book" on store shelves, it's only a matter of time before more Pastafarians sign up for the Church of Flying Spaghetti Monster, drawn by the flimsy moral standards, the holidays every Friday and the promise of an afterlife complete with a beer volcano and a stripper factory.
That's what makes it the fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion in the world.
The Eight I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts
by Steve Bachman
January 04, 2007 08:41 PM EST (Updated: January 04, 2007 08:51 PM EST)
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is now represented on Gather, with the creation of the new group Pastafarians. This group is open for all on Gather, and for any who wish to experience the power and glory of His Noodly Goodness, to join.
In an effort to educate and to promote understanding of our faith, I will recount the story of The Eight I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts, the sacred commandments that were given to Mosey the Pirate by the Flying Spaghetti Monster Himself. This is the story that has been handed down for hundreds of years by generations of the Pastafarian faithful:
While brooding atop Mount Salsa because he cannot find a Pirate ship, Mosey the Pirate captain receives some advice from the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the form of ten stone tablets. These were called the I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the "Commandments" by Mosey, and the "Condiments" by his Pirate gang. While there were originally ten I'd Really Rather You didn'ts, two were dropped on the way back down the mountain, with eight remaining. This event "partly accounts for Pastafarians' flimsy moral standards." The Flying Spaghetti Monsters commandments address worship of Him, the treatment of people of other faiths, sexual conduct, and nutrition.
THE EIGHT I'D REALLY RATHER YOU DIDN'TS
1) I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like A Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.
2) I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjigate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Dont Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
3) I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This Through You Thick Heads: Woman=Person, Man=Person. Samey-Samey. One is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal And Fuchsia.
4) I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go F*** Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off The TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
5) I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.
6) I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build MultiMillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/ Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick): A. Ending Poverty B. Curing Diseases C. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable. I Might Be A Complex Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM The Creator.
7) I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go around Telling People I Talk To you. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
8) I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses Alot Of Leather/Lubrication/Las Vegas. If The Other Person Is Into It However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear A CONDOM! Honestly It's A Piece Of Rubber, If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.
In the name of His Noodly Goodness, RAmen.
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Movie The Pirate Movie (1982)
Cast (partial) Major-General Bill Kerr
Pirate King Ted Hamilton
Samuel Chuck McKinney
Frederic Christopher Atkins
Sergeant Garry McDonald
Mabel Kristy McNichol
Edith Kate Ferguson
Kate Rhonda Burchmore
Isabel Cathrine Lynch
Ruth Maggie Kirkpatrick
Written by Trevor Farrant
Additional Music by Peter Sullivan
Cinematography by Robin Copping
Directed by Ken Annakin
CBX-FOX #1198
This send-up of The Pirates of Penzance was clearly inspired by the success of Papp's Pirates on Broadway. The adaptation is extremely loose; we see far more of Trevor Farrant and Peter Sullivan than of Gilbert and Sullivan. The protagonists — Kristy MicNichol and Christopher Atkins — were teen idols at the time this was made, and the film was clearly intended to appeal to a juvenile audience. If you can ignore what you know about the original opera, the film is a clever romp in its own right. It has far less to do with G&S than the Papp production (which, despite all the criticism it has received, is comparatively faithful to the original). Ironically, this version beat Papp to the big screen and was considerably more successful.
Here's Phil Sternenberg's capsule review:
Do yourself a favor and try to find a copy of The Pirate Movie, no matter how bad you've heard it is. If you know the real Pirates backwards and forwards and inside out, especially if you've performed in it, the movie is good for laughs (and groans, much the way you'd react to an atrocious pun). It's so bad it's good, much as Plan Nine From Outer Space is considered. It would be a complete mystery and have little, if any, entertainment value for someone with no knowledge of the real Pirates, though. For example (spoken, not sung as in the real Pirates):
Frederic: A terrible disclosure has just been made.
Mabel: Then zip it up.
I agree with Phil: it's so bad, it's good!
Selections from the soundtrack were issued on Polydor, including even an 8-track release (a format I thought obsolete in 1982). There was both a single LP (13 tracks) and a double LP (20 tracks). I am not sure if the cassette and 8-track releases matched the single LP or the double LP.
Adrian Bridgeman, who has a promotional copy of the single LP, sent me the following list of selections:
Side 1
Victory
First Love
How can I Live Without Her
Hold On
We Are The Pirates
Pumpin' and Blowin'
Side 2
Stand Up And Sing,
I Am A Pirate King
Happy Ending
The Major General's Song,
Tarantara
The Sisters' Song
Come Friends who Plough the Sea.
Adrian says, "The G&S tracks are all on side 2 and are self-evident. The Major General's song includes the classic lines:
I comprehend contemporary culture North American
I straighten more piratical erections than Bo Derek can
"Tarantara has a nice bounce to it but the disc has little else to commend itself." The recording apparently has a cult following. J. Donald Smith told me that a copy offered on Ebay went for $307! However, that was an anomaly: a more typical price is $40-50 (still higher than most G&S records).
On Amazon.com, the DVD re-issue has an astonishing five-star customer rating.
Issue History Date Label Format Number Comments
1982 Polydor 1 LP POLD 5074 Movie soundtrack excerpts on 1 LP.
2 LP PD-2-9503 Movie soundtrack on 2 LPs. The album folds open and has 19 color pictures from the movie.
Cassette CT-2-9503
8-track 8T-2-9503
? CBS-FOX VHS NTSC #1198 98-minute running time
2005 Anchor Bay DVD B00076ONW8 Widescreen format. Includes Director's Commentary.
Marc Shepherd, oakapple@cris.com
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Last Modified: 9-Jul-05
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