TheAmbassadorOfRomanceInVenus's blog: "A Smiley"

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some more weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said,... "Cute little fart." ************ ********* ********* ********* A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm." The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field." The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step. "Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "what should I do?" he screamed helplessly. The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card!" ************ ********* ********* ********* Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself". Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn. Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn. One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear). The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn. Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled. The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?. The woman replied I give up on human nature,the first guy gave me forty dollars,the second guy gave me fifty dollars,but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks. ************ ********* ********* ********* The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he willingly agreed. The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker, entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?" "Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your ass so I can feel it?" ------------ --------- --------- --------- Two cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh, Dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her." "No," said the father. "Were not going to eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother." ------------ --------- --------- --------- The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast." ------------ --------- --------- --------- John was talking to Alan. "So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects." "Really?" asked John. "Yep," says Alan. "Whenever I mention sex, they object." ************ ********* ********* *********