There once was a man that once said...
"Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred."
And with today being MLK Day... I have decided to look up the speech that he gave that day... I'll admit it was the first time that I actually read the entire speech. I know that it was about all Americans having their 'freedom' regardless of race, greed, or color... But, if you read through it, there is much more to it. It's actually gives great advice to everyone, not just African Americans.
Last night, I have opened myself up to someone, for the first time in nine years. I have felt trapped inside myself for seven years, and last night, was the first time, that I have cried without feeling guilty for myself. It opened me, freed me. Maybe for good. Maybe for now. This I won't know until time has taken place. I have always been a selfish person, but maybe this talk I had will break me of that. To realize that I'm not perfect, but in the meantime, I am being recognized as someone who still cares, and someone who is still capable to love... openly... completely...
This morning, after what I would have thought would have been a restless night, turned out to be one of the most peaceful nights rest that I have received in a God knows how long. I feel that I have woken up, a "New Me". My head is clear. My heart is not "aching". I can finally fully concentrate on one thing at a time, because I know, the next task will still need to be done once the first one is completed. This morning, I don't feel a sense of dread of getting out of bed, that I have felt for years on end.
I have always felt that I was not good enough. I'd try with all of my might to please everyone, at all times. Last night, I have realized, I can't please everyone. I am simply incapable of such a thing. I am going to start living my life for me, and my child. Not for what everyone else wants me to do. I am never going to be truly satisfied unless I do things my way. Some people call this selfishness. I call this... Finding myself. Finding what makes me happy. I have not found it yet, I have not found just the one thing, place, or person that makes me completely happy. That doesn't make me upset in some way, shape, or form. I could go on for days, and list AT LEAST one thing about everything and everyone that was not made me happy. I have came to realize that no one is perfect. No one is that 'soul mate'. It's about compromise. Pleasing each other when you are capable of doing so, not "all the time".
This is ... what I hope to be... A new start... A "New Me." I will try to be the same person that some have known, the "Nice, Sweet Angel", but I will say that I'm not living for anyone else anymore. I am doing this for me. For my life. For my freedom.
"I Once ... Was Lost... But Now.... I'm [hopefully] Found."
