Icarus's blog: "Hurts to watch."

That's right kids, I once again abused the only system I have for time off.
All the way dressed, sneezing, wheezing, and squeezing and just didn't have it in me... called in sick.

It's not that I'm not grateful, this really is the best job I've ever had, but something about it isn't really working out

must be that whole... showing up thing
that whole ***- ... almost said her name.
must be that whole sociophobic agorophobic... thing

The real problem may really be that I'm not testing icecream right now though.

I'm at that weird corporate blur again where I'm so glad to be paying my bills that I'm not taking any steps forward, and taking steps forward would in fact be premature seeing as how...

I've only been here three months.

That's time enough to know that I'm not making enough money, and that I'm still not happy in this town, this lifestyle, or this

singularity.

But I'm not listening to my favorite music, just the kind I can get away with
and having been a kid that gets ear infections from headphones, or... you guessed it a panic response from things on my ears for prolonged periods of time (I was mostly deaf for the first three years of my life :P) I'd be a little happier with an office

one with a private bathroom
no one just walking in or around or behind or near me
sound proofing so I can crank it all on blast
oh
and actually doing something I enjoy
or no one breathing down my neck if I'm not directly on task

yeah that'd be nice.

It doesn't help that I always get depressed around this time of year, or that I find myself severely underemployed when I'm not working at say

nasa

but I'm doing that thing I always do- which is finding more and more excuses to stay home, and not do the things I enjoy out of guilt.

I dunno, I'm gonna go to my mom's house, cut a check for a portion of the money I owe her, grab some old wine, and tell her about this absolutely horrid swill I made myself for lunch.

I've never seen chicken legs bleed so much in all my life.
Vile stuff really.

And yeah
I really am sick, every day I'm working under conditions most people wouldn't leave a psych ward or a medical examination.

Every day I leave my comfort zone, I can feel my heart race, my adrenal glands squeeze, and my entire vascular digestive and muscular system clamp down on me like an overwound vice.

I keep telling myself it'll get better, most days it does, the days it doesn't I actually request a swift and unnoticeable death far far far away from where I am.

We'll keep working on that
now excuse me while I smile at that inside joke.