People are always asking what is going on in my mind, what I am thinking, why I think as I do . . . I never have an answer except that it is just who I am. I think and think and think but hardly ever figure anything out. I remember something and then something else follows and leads me in a different direction.
I spin out of control into a world of lost thoughts, emotions, and fears. I find myself wading through a swamp of hidden feelings, trying to swing on trees of broken hopes and fall helplessly into a pit of shattered dreams. I am no different than you, only in the fact that I am not you.
You have the same thoughts as I the difference being that you pay no attention to yours. I want to know my life, I want to know my mind, and I want to know me. I am not afraid of what I will find, who I will find, or what I may encounter along the way. I am ready to be what I was meant to be, good or bad. So, unlike you when my mind races I do not run away from it, I chase it until I catch it and can see why it is racing away.
I overanalyze life, I turn my back on that which I do not like, and I peek through fingers at things that I don’t want to see. I know that life is not meant to have a destination and that people search their entire lives trying to find where they are meant to be . . . While I on the other hand spend my life trying to figure out why I have been where I have been and what that has made me. If you have ever spoken with me or read anything that I have written then you have undoubtedly heard my theory about admitting my past, living my present, and looking forward to the future . . . It is what keeps me going . . . The thoughts. I think about where I have been and what I learned from it, where I am and what I am learning, and where I will be and how what I know will help me along the way.
These are my thoughts . . . The fears never stop. I hide just like everyone else. I run when I get scared. My thoughts create more fears than they relieve in the long run but I learn to fear less somehow when all is said and done. I contemplate things until I get an answer in my mind. The actual question hardly ever sticks . . . But the answers I always remember. Why? Because that is how life is lived to it’s fullest. The questions do not matter it’s what you learn and do with the knowledge that matter in the end.
I have no reasoning as to why I think the way I do, the attitude I have, or the life I lead . . . It is just me. I put on no false pretenses in order to impress anyone. I am me, the real me, the same me as I always am, I never change. I made add to or delete things that change my attitude and personality along the way, but I am still the same person. I have more to me than what people see or can even imagine there is so there is no one who knows all of me. There are many people who know many parts of me, many who see parts of me that no one else ever sees parts of me that are reserved and hidden from public view. I am real; I am me, and its jus the better you get to know me the more of me there is to learn about.
The way my mind works is only a fraction of what I am and what I do. I lead a life that I enjoy for the most part. I live a life that I am proud of for the most part. I live a life that I am not ashamed of. I am not ashamed of nor do I hide any part of my past from people. I have done what I have done good and bad and learned from every single action and thought that I had. It’s my present that I hide from people. I hide a big piece of who I am from people now because I think that if I can not figure me out then it is hardly fair to drag someone else into the pit with me.
I do still have hopes of some sort I am sure, I just do not know what they are anymore. I will find them one day, maybe I just need someone to guide me along the path. Perhaps I need someone to steer me clear and keep me out of the trees so that I do not fall into the pit again. Then again, isn’t that what everyone needs? A hand to hold along the way so neither of you gets lost . . . Someone that you need not feel insecure around, someone where you can say what you want without being guarded. Wouldn’t that be something special to find; someone to sit and listen while you pour out your thoughts so that you can try to figure out why you think the way you do. Yeah I think so too!
