I feel sad all the time now I've shut myself down.I want to sleep all the time now.because life seems so much better there. A world where I have plenty of money to have a home and help other people I care for. right now I sit here hungry because I have very little food in the house and my mother who has dementia is always hungry acuses me of not feeding her and we waited all weekend for my deadbeat brother to come home with his rent money and he informs us he has none because he spent it on his girl and we have to wait til friday.he's 46 yrs old lived here free spents his money on his race car booze and drugs he's gotten away with this for 15 years.
my youngest brother and I have always supported my mother and her home paid the bills fixed things you name it we worked hard. now im told i can't go back to work til we get nursing care which is hard we owe the nursing home nine hundred dollars the social service system sucks. I'm caught in a catch 22 situation. MY mother is a mean bitch to begin with makes my life a living hell makes me feel like shit every chance she can. I started taking anti-depessants to help my nerves. I am trying all the avenues to get out of this mess. to gain my self worth back my world is so shattered I don't know who to turn to anymore this house is not a home is hell. I hAVE TO WATCH THIS WOMEN 24 7 she wanders this weekend some woman drove up to my house found her sitting on the side of the road.I got to keep her out of the kitchen to keep her from eating continuly or turning on the stove I gained 30 pound just from the stress the meds will help hopefully in a month but what am i going to do about dinner pantrys i know i can't get to them because they are too far i don't have a car and i have no money for the bus. I'm at a point now of begging for money from friends and relatives. to top it off to make me feel like shit my daughters birthday is wednesday some sweet 16 this is for her i can't even make a cake thank-god for her teachers they are wonderful to her a very loved kid and you know that rose i have on my page that picture helped her get into the national art honor society I love her to death and i can't be the mother i promiced to be. I completely shut myself down I don't date anymore I hardly call my friends. I'm lonely inside but i don't want anyone to see me like this I was a proud self assured person but I lost her my family especially my mother sucked her out of me I become a sad desperate needy thing. who is begging for attention. I don't trust anyone because I'm afraid to be used because i am so desperate so in need because i've been there and that hurts I can't use people or else I would have crawled to relatives for help. My relatives abandoned us along time ago because of my mother and her bitterness. I have no one left to turn to. I know I'm putting to much pressure on myself. I was always trying to please everyone and now I've become angry inside and outside defensive
what am I suppose to do, pray I'm all out the more I pray the more pain I feel what did I do in life to receive this what did I do so wrong.
I would never take my life i've lost 2 brothers to suicide and recently a cousin, but sometimes the thoughts are there fleeting but they are there. I can't run away from this place i did for 2 years but I cameback the lesser of 2 evils being homeless again no I've been thru that already social services no can't put myself thru that again leave I want to so badly but I can't
I need some hope i still believe there is hope some light at the end of this.
