Ya know... i watch everyone's lives around me, and the things that happen, the way they react... the ppl in their lives, the ppl they've chosen to keep out of their lives... and I've begun to really start thinking a lot about stuff.... I've been so scared to let dennis go 'to far' because i was so scared he's leave the girl's lives.... for that I've put myself through hell. We all know this, so I'm not going into it... but outside of that... I've really started to question and think about little things like, LOVE... I see so many ppl married... happily... their lives 'seem' perfect. Of course everyone has their problems, everyone fights, it happens... How many of those ppl have that 'butterfly' feeling about their spouse after 15 years? 10 yrs? 5 or even 1? And who decides what LOVE really is? Who decides who we can and can't love, and why we can and can't love them? And why does it have to hurt so bad? And why can't you stop loving someone? Even when they have forgotten you even exist... A friend of mine in HS (we weren't like ''super close'' friends, we sat next to each other in Mr. martin's class and passed notes....) She was SO in love with this guy.... they seriously seemed like this PERFECT couple... although they broke up, like most HS relationships, and she's now married to a man that she truly seems to love more than anyone else in the world. She seems truly happy with him. How does that happen? How did she get over this guy who she was 'madly in love with'? Maybe she wasn't really in love... i dunno... not that i've really asked her even... but I was just thinking a lot about stuff tonight... which happens when I take pain killers for some reason. (stupid gallbladder pain). Another friend of mine in HS, i remember her dating this guy she was SOOO in love with, I remember when he broke up w/ her, I remember her being major upset... now she's married, and seems truly happy. She's got a baby girl, and seems truly happy with her life... yet i remember that break-up. It was like the end of her world... yet on the total other end of it, another girl i went to school with, married that guy she dated in highschool... and is happy, and in love...i KNOW where i went wrong.... i KNOW where i fucked up... i know all this... so i won't ask WHY... i just wanna know HOW. How is it you can just stop loving someone? How is it you can just say "they weren't meant for me" and move on! I've read hundreds of books about how to move on and let go... i know "how"... but all of a sudden, out of the middle of no where for NO reason, i'll have these dreams about him.... they'll always all the same now a days... he winds up telling me he really does love me despite everything and wants to be with me... yeah, i know, hence why it's a DREAM.... but the point is... why does it happen? why wont it stop? Why can't i stop missing him? Why can't I stop loving him? Why can't i just forget he exists? I'm happy with most of the decisions i've made... I LOVE my baby girls... I wouldn't trade them for the world... they're my life... and one day, I'll get everything figured out for myself, finish school, and live my life the way I WANT TO LIVE IT.... i'm not worried about that... i worked full time last semester, and went to school 16 CREDIT HOURS AND CARRIED A 4.0!!! Hello? PLUS having two kids... if I can do that, LORD KNOWS i can do anything... except this one thing... stop loving someone who couldn't give a shit about me... and i know it's not some crazy obsession, cuz it's not some daily, all consuming thing, so don't go there.... it's just, when i think of love, when i see valentine's things, or ooohh pics of me in HS, i think of him... i remember being with him.... over the couse of that, 5 or 6 year span, i learned something... i would put myself through so much, just to spend time with him, just to have him in my life. Is it better that he doesn't talk to me? Probably... more than likely, yeah... because i can't drive myself insane about him... but, despite all of that, I know i love him. I know I always will. And i know, I can't replace him... i know that because i found a guy who I swear was an exact replica... and ya know what, i wasn't really happy with him... (not that that really lasted very long) but the pt is... i don't wanna replace him, i don't wanna have anyone in my life. I just dont. I know I'll always love him. And I can't just "whole heartedly" love someone else. Now, dennis, well, he's a total different story. He's an asshole who treats me like shit... we all know that, so lets not even go there. I've truly begun to look at my mom's life. Ya know, she was TRULY happy being a mommy. Then I look at Lynda, and she's been an amazing mom to her child, and an amazing 'mom' to me. And ya know, she doesn't HAVE to have some man in her life. She's been successful and seemingly happy by herself. I mean, I'm not a psychologist, I can't SAY for sure how ANYONE feels... but regardless.... I truly don't think I'll ever find someone i can love. Despite truly trying... I've "TRIED" with dennis how many times? I've dated random ppl... I just dont ever feel that, feeling. I can't explain it. The day I met him i KNEW i'd always love him. SOme ppl don't believe in love at first sight... i do... because i knew i loved him that day i sat down in computer applications.... every moment i had spent with him after that was perfect for me.... all the way up until last year.... It was always the same. When I was with him, I felt, happy. Safe. Secure. I knew i loved him. I still know I do. I don't know that I can even cry anymore about missing him. That seems so pointless. But still, that doesn't change how I feel.... When i think about it... I still feel the same heartache i felt that night he broke up with me. I'll never forget it... i never forget the following months.... I'll never stop hating ryan for what i feel he did in playing into everything. I know i fucked up... cuz, well, I'm great at fucking up shit... but damnit, that asshole played too many bullshit games, and lied... and just fucked up so much shit... but regardless.. i ca't change any of this... i just had to get it out... because i couldn't sleep if i didn't... i take those damn drugs then i start THINKING... it slows my brain down enough to where i can truly THINK about ONE thing... and for some reason he came to my mind tonight... god only knows why.... ooohhh, right, I dreamt about him last night... stupid dreams... oh well.... that's life right?
