I was watching a website called SOHH.com....and they were talking about the rapper E 40's death rumors. In it they were saying that he was killed in a car accident on the way to Vegas for the NBA all star game .....and how many arrests were made at his party when viloence broke out or some shyt.
Anyway....dude is not dead....and he was cracking on the media and the rumor mill and inconsistencies in the story and all other types of bullshit....
anyway....one of the inconsitiencies *cough*lies*cough* was the fact that he died in a car crash on the route he took to get to Vegas.....which is not even the route you travel to go from the Bay Area to Vegas....
Even more ridiculous was the fact that he FLEW not DROVE to Vegas.....so there was no car accident involving him to speak of....
well anyway...he flew on Southwest Airlines.....and he was calling it Soul Plane....hahahaha....which reminded me of my bootleg flights on SWA....which made me think of this.....
Ya'll know I gets my world travel on, right?
Well I remember about four years ago...
Plane Ride
So you've flown Southwest and think that you know all there is to know about ghetto airlines, huh? You've hitched a few rides on AirTrain and fathom that it doesn't get much ghettoer than that, eh?
Well, folks, let me introduce you to the most ghettoest airlines on the planet: Philippine Airlines.
Lawdy. Lawdy. Lawdy. I could rant and rave about just how ghetto this airlines is, but if I tell you this one thing, it'll sum the shyt up without one of my typical Kaviar rants that seem to go nowhere, and often do…. or, don't… or, whatever.
You know how once the plane gets in the air and the flight attendants push the drink cart around??
Well, like most airlines, they had beer on the cart for your enjoyment.
The Philippines is most known for its very popular beer called San Miguel. And they had that… you can get a bottle here for 29 Philippine pesos, which is equivalent to about 60 cents. But next to the San Miguel???
Colt 45. COLT.FORTY.FUGGIN.FIVE!!!!
ON AN AIRLINE!!!! What in the hells?!?!? I didn't even know they still made that stuff!! How you gon' serve some malt-azz liquor on the airplane??! LMAO
And do you know what the third option of beer was?? A drink called Beer Na Beer!
That roughly translates from Tagalog to mean:
"It's really beer." LOL
If you have print, "Nah, like fa real, this really is beer!!" on the front of the damn can, then I'm gonna say that you're probably in the wrong business!! LOL
Ghettoness confirmed.
The Hobbit House
I was taken out to eat one night at this place called The Hobbit House.
And when I tell you that the dollar in the Philippines goes a long way, the shyt goes a long damn way.
I had two snifters of Johnnie Walker Black, two bottles of San Miguel Pilsner, soup, salad, bread, and filet mignon for ….
drumroll please...
500 pesos! Ten daggum dollars!
'Twas good as hell too!
But check this, the reason they call this place the Hobbit House is because everybody who works there is a damn midget!!
YES! Midgets!!
The waitresses??? Midgets.
The cooks??? Midgets.
The bartender??? Midget on a gatdayum stool!
SECURITY!!!!???? A muhfukkin midget! LOL
Oh wait… my bad… not midget, but little person.
They all was some little azz people around there.
And that even the half of it…
**cringing at that horrible pun**
Do you know they had a dayum MIDGET TOSS during the course of the meal?!?
And yes, they call it a "midget toss" and it is exactly what it sounds like….
two big azz Samoan looking dudes TOSSED some damn MIDGETS like a game of catch!
They were throwin this little dude over tables and chairs an' shyt!!
I was just waitin for one of them to drop dude!
LOL Or overthrow the little muhfukka and break a lamp or some shyt!! LMAO It was crazy.
I just wonder where they found all these folks.
I mean, are there midget job fairs and shyt?
How the hell do you round up enough midgets to open up a damn restaurant? LOL
But, truthfully, the food was great and so was service.
Whoever opened that joint should get an award!!
And you know who he would thank first right?!??
All the little people.
Booooo!! HISSSSS!!!!
LOL… what a great joke.
I set that up so perfectly.
Movies
Let me just put it like this: I bought 20 movies on DVD, a couple of which just opened up in the States like a few weeks prior, for $7.
Them nyggas selling fake Gucci bags out their trunks at the liquor store?!?
They ain't got shyt on the Philippinos.
Now THEY are some hustlas.
Anything Goes
So I went to a restaurant/lounge/club for dinner and drinks the other night called the LA Cafe.
I learned a few things here that I'd like to share:
1) Apparently this is where all the single women looking to make some extra cash go in order to pick up Japanese businessmen out for a good time. And apparently the word has gotten all up and through Japan. There were women EVERYWHERE cat-callin every Japanese man that walked through the door! One muhfukka was sitting at his table with a dozen girls!!!
AND LEFT WITH ALL OF THEM! I'd hate to be the housekeeping maid at his hotel the next day after that shyt! There'll be soy sauce and the shyt that only black lights pick up all OVER the place!
And check this: One Japanese dude brought his SON with him. I don't mean like a 50 year old man and his 20 year old son. I mean like a 40 year old man and his 15 year old son!! And then his dad LEFT him there with a couple slant-eyed lovelies from the bar! That little boy was smoking cigarettes and drinking Coronas like the shyt was about to expire. I was staring at him giving that "damn lil' man, take it easy!" look. He looked at me like I was the damn help!
The Negro gets no respect.
2) These muhfukkas can not make a drink to save their life!! Tell me what this means to you: Henny XO with no ice.
Sounds like I want, oh, I don't know… some Hennessy XO in the appropriate glass with no ice, maybe? This heffa comes back with Henny in a shot glass with one ice cube and a big azz McDonald's straw!! ICE?!?! In a shot glass?!? With a straw?!?!? Lawd, somebody pray for'em.
So when I asked her to make me another drink, she comes back with the SAME SHOT GLASS — condensation all on the shyt — and some cloudy ass Henny which means she just scooped the ice out….
And then had the nerve to tell me "Sir, this is a brand new cup and a new pour."
Right, right. And I'm Bill O'Reilly.
3) A young lady rolled up on me and asked me to say the following words: Holla. It's murder.
I was puzzled for two seconds and then it hit me… she thought I was Ja Rule. LOL
She is now the proud owner of a LA Cafe t-shirt signed by none other than "Ja." What?!? He would have done the same for me!! I'm sure he gets rolled up on all the time by people asking him: "Um… excuse me, but are you Kaviar?!?" And I don't even trip.
International Incidentage
I've narrowly escaped many incidents overseas that could bring shame to the United States.
There was the time I almost swung on a ten year old boy in Thailand because he reached in my pocket to see if I had money to buy his box of Chiclets.
There was the time in Bahrain where we almost gangbanged an Arab club owner because he kicked us out his club and used an Arabic word that sounded an awful lot like "dirty nyggras."
There was the time where I had to prevent my drunk, white co-worker from getting his azz thrashed by some Russians in Dubai after he holla'd at one of their girlfriends.
There was the alleged graffiti incident where an unsuspecting hotel bartender aided and abetted the "creative liberty" I took with a wall in Switzerland.
And there was the time when I and some of my frat brosthers almost drug a Japanese dude up and down street at the back street yoshihara.
I could go on… but suffice it to say that despite these close calls, I have been a shining example of the perfect American citizen.
And finally, someone took notice.
Ever since I was on C-Span 3 a couple years ago, the media loves me. I'm a darling. Hell, I was on the radio in Tokyo my last year of College gettin' my ghetto Black American on!
International relations!! I be relatin'!
And the Philippinos have jumped on the bandwagon, baby.
That's right… yes that was me. I know I know… you probably couldn't believe your eyes when you caught that local Philippino news channel where I shook hands with a Philippino General in a staged photo op where he feigned interest in my Black azz, but it really was me…
Or as the locals would say:
Kaviar na Kaviar!
Hold your applause!
I'll give you my autograph later!
here's just something I have to do first before I continue my international celebrityage:
I just gotta thank the little people.
