Actually, there are TWO running mates in my presidential campaign. And no, I’m not merely hurling out insults based on physical shortcomings. Yes, my fellow Americans, it is time to rise up to the challenge of working together and building a new nation of fresh ideals, progress, positive change, peace, prosperity, less reality TV on VH-1 and more bars with reverse happy hours.
My two running mates for the vice presidency are brilliant. They don’t take non-sense from anyone. A dry wit and certain cuddleability allow them to relate to the common man and woman. They show fiscal responsibility and social progress in all sorts of way, primarily by allowing one another access to each other’s food, toys and hiding places.
They are leaders, not followers. They dare to rock the establishment without one moment’s thought to the consequences. They are quick, always aware and are very willing to answer the hotline phone at 3 in the morning when a world crisis suddenly erupts. My fiancé/campaign manager and I know this all too well: They’ve been up all night each week plotting and planning. And aloud, I might add.
They are experienced only in that they are descendants of a species that roamed areas such as Egypt as kings and queens – or so they feel like royalty - centuries ago. Most of are, they are so goshdarn cute. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my running mates: Topaz and Oreo. (See my main photo album.) These two cats – and I’m not just using a hip jazz-like slang term – and I will fight to make America safer and stronger! Let it be noted today is Patriot’s Day, when seven years ago the world was horrified to see terror unleashed upon the innocent masses of mankind.
Mankind. That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Patriot’s Day, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation. Annihilation by a small yet vocal group of bullies that feels it is owed dominion over the earth by a higher power. We are fighting for our right to simply live and to live simply. To exist. After our victory, we will all have declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive!
Crowd erupts in cheers, unfazed by the candidate’s crass usage of a line of dialogue from “Independence Day.”
Go and be good! Onward to truth, justice and the Tabby-Longhaired Tuxedo way!
OK, back to reality. Check out these nifty stories on the McSame/Failin campaign:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/09/09/eveningnews/main4433129.shtml
http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlLA/lit_101/sarah_palin_tried_to_ban_library_books_according_to_abc_report_94285.asp
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/politics/sns-ap-chafee-palin,0,7590944.story
http://salsa.wiredforchange.com/o/5167/t/3594/petition.jsp?petition_KEY=447
