Jenna's blog: "life"

let me start off by saying that this is what happens when I get to thinking and that is has in no way mad me sad or unhappy, just the ramblings of my mind going into detail over every little thing or in this case one thing at a time. it's how part of my mind works to make sense of things. read if you will or brush it off as what you think of it. a little insight to how everything makes it's place in my world

one sure fire way to live; is to let everything fall into its place without thought. but having the ability to let it happen without a thought is a whole other plane, to know where exactly they should lay, doubting where they lay, pondering at what they mean to you as a whole. these little things that make up your existence in this massive world that you live. your every thought put out on a very wide table stretching as far as your eye can see. your every thought you've made in your mind, you see them lined up on the table into categories from most recent to the every first unconscious ramblings of a new born that you didn't even remember. you somehow know that everything you see needs to be in that place to make you who you are! but some part of you wants to sift through everything to make sure that, that's what you want in it's place. like you want to erase the bad things that you don't want to remember, but your stuck you cant move like you trying to scream in a nightmare but all that's pouring out of your mouth is a whisper; like your not even trying, you cant fathom the thought that your not hear what your thinking and you try harder to make it sound as it should. but your stuck with every inch of your body unwilling to move to make the adjustments that you feel are necessary; the changes that would possibly make you a better person in your mind. but no movement can be made your body forever frozen to your table unmoving unwilling to make the change you deem prudent for your future.

you begin to feel some kind of release when your able to move your arm in another manner not to change, but to over see everything laying on the table with the knowledge that nothing can be changed in any way shape or form. you begin to find the strength to over look the bad an realize that everything is as it should be, nothing can be changed, but it can be in a way that you can make things better for your self and others around you. you sift through all you thought was bad grimace at what you already knew was and laugh at the thing that had no consequence to feel in any way bad at all but let it go on the realization that if you thought it bad when it set its place in stone on this table before you; that it must have been bad at the time you thought it. your run your hands through the many thought that make you who you are, trying to make sense of everything and you cant help but wonder where it would lead you if you had the chance to wipe it clean and start over, with all new thoughts better thoughts. and then something happens to you in that instant; you thought nothing of when you ran your hand down this extraordinary table of thoughts until you reach it there all by it's self as if it had it's own place and nothing belonged on top of it or around it, waiting to have a companion to lay with in an empty slice of the beautiful table. you reach for it unknowingly and gasp at the long forgotten memory you see there before you. extremely engulfed by it's power to pull you back in and see what you had long forgotten or place in a strategic place on that table. something you suppressed hard to forget about it until you reached that right time in your life to pull it from where it lays. your caught by it's lure; it's puling you toward it, with every fiber of your body you try to resist it's temptational pull. after a few minutes of struggle you give in, why now would I be pulled toward this if I could not handle it I wouldn't have been able to give in so quickly. you surrender to its draw and wait to argue with it. you reach the point where your over flushed with it's potency you gasp for are as if you need it so bad. you realize that whats being played is what you feared, something you never wanted to think of again, but necessary for you to be able to things in the right order. you grapple with the very flowing information trying to over come it with every second you have to relive it. and you come to realize that what you seen isn't all that bad, that what seen isn't what you thought it to be. how can something so small and insignificant make you feel so, exalting towards it. your fears were all for nothing then as if by chance that everything seemed OK the flow of emotions come crashing down like a tidal wave of horror, whipping you around in a excruciating manor that you thought that you couldnt possibly feel, dealing with this is something you knew you would fear, but like the person you are you embrace it with all its fury. letting everything drown out and listening to your body as it screams to breath with the onslaught of emotion. you feel as if there is some kind of release to be gained from this; so you let it take you to where you thought would be hell! but when you open your eyes you see something that you thought would not have been possible, you see your own kind of heaven, the one you dreamt wouldn't be possible without being unconscious. you take deep breath and slowly release it with an exhale of relief. eyes wide as if you didnt want to miss anything that your seeing, looking constantly at every little detail memorizing it, making room for it on you table with every thought that you are thinking, in awe that you could come up with such a place beautiful as it is. My place is made up of a green plush land with a field to my right and a waterfall to my left rainbow over head and plentiful living creacher's ranging in size a place where there is not fear only happiness and love; fill with laughter from the warming hearts of my daughters playing in the field, but you stare in awe as you feel the tidal wave dissipate behind you releasing you from it's treacherous grip. with the knowledge you now posses to see things clearer you turn back to the tidal wave as if to bow but you dont do anything. you fall to the ground and cry out with happiness that your fear was all for nothing that everything was in it's place and there WAS no changing it; it was changing you, with every unconscious thought that you had seen you realize that nothing is ever what it seams, and that life it's self is everything that you need to make it your own, the living is where your heart belongs and the thoughts that make that happen are everything that you are.

I've had to deal with quit a few of the tidal wave as I'm sure most of you have to, I just thought I would share my view on what they did to me and how I felt when they hit. it's not as good as if you lived one but it will make due. life IS what you make it so make what you want and never forget your table of thoughts. because some day it will help you realize that everything you are doing IS exactly what you wanted to do!!!