Man, there is NOTHING better than that feeling you get when you finally release all that tension
you just let go
and breathe
that balled up
knotted
tightly spun feeling of having your stomach squeezed tightly around the 3,000 razors you just swallowed.
It's transcendent of orgasmic.
It's like feeling a peice of you escape, leaving only ecstasy and a rapturous lightness.
Did I mention that rare, un-named anxiety dissorder I've been diagnosed with?
Oh... the one that spikes my overdeveloped adrenaline gland, contracts every muscle in my body, and accelerates my metabolism, digestion and raises my external pain tolerence?
I've mentioned that... right?
I get the same response of running from a cyborg-tiger, shoulder cannons, laser gatling guns- the works
when I'm doing something like say
giving a presentation
or
keeping an engagement on someone else's time
or
going to a restaurant and making people wait for me.
It can trigger from about any social situation where I think people could be judging me, there's an unknown factor, no escape route... or I perceive the potential for people plotting to harm me.
Did I mention people scare the EVER LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME!?
...
....
Needless to say its a pretty painful and uncomfortable experience. And it makes me kinda short with people.
My stomach still feels like churning acid, I know I'd feel better if I'd just force myself to throw up, like I have a thousand times before.
*sigh*
*facepalm*
They've called it "ibs" they've called it "nerves" they've called it "sociophobia" "accute social anxiety" "over-active adrenal system" "increased fear response".
I call it hell.
I call it every day that I don't take time to calm myself down, or maintain total control.
I don't wanna say my whole life revolves around this illness... but it certainly has a central role.
You've seen claustrophobics, you've seen panic attacks, you've seen agoraphobics
this isn't that.
This isn't even a cognitive terror.
It's practically instinctive of me to fear you all. Your harsh judgements.
Your unkind words.
Your leering sneers.
I mean, I know it comes from a combination of things
being a black sheep growing up
the dozen misdiagnoses
the benz years
violent tendencies
fear of ostracization becoming increasingly more severe
being a catastrophe magnet...
It all adds up to the unique alchemy of my daily misery.
A few years ago, I actually had myself convinced that I deserved this, as some perverted form of penance. I ruled that theory out eventually and then continued to suffer long after I had paid off my debt to society, and a large colony of murderers' as well.
They said I shouldn't feel like a failure when I get a flare up... that I can't be in control all the time, and this will probably keep happening from time to time throughout my life
I'm just glad it hasn't really happened when the chips were down, and that I've always been in control when it mattered.
But this... and now its manifesting more and more as narcolepsy, less as nightmares (since I'm not as afraid of my past as I used to be), less as these episodes, and more flashbacks... well they're unrelated but synergetic. Like having a cold on top of a flu- it doesn't help anything.
I guess I can say this in lolcats
chronic intolerable levels of pain: I haz its.
I'm glad that most of the people in my life respect that fact, and are patient with me when it does come up.
We thought about filing this thing as a handicap.
I insisted that I not be given any sympathy or crutches, I have to power through this shit every day- the fewer things I have to depend on the better... but that extra parking sure would be sweet sometimes.
I have to be strong.
I have to be reliable.
I have to be sharp.
I have to be there.
I have to be together.
I was never told why
I think the last entry of What Have I is one of the few times I ever really talked about completely giving up and falling back on a support network.
I tend not to.
People tell me I need people to get by in this world
but where one person sees an oppurtunity to make a relationship into a resource, I see an oppurtunity to do without, and carry the burden of their absence to become stronger.
Though
I must say
everything needs love.
(even plants).
Maybe the reason I have to be strong is my own sake- the together part is probably to keep everyone protected from me.
So... I guess there's a lot of forces here at work
I keep you away to stay strong
I keep you away to keep you safe.
I think its a bit of a catch 22.
Non?
Can we all just agree that I'm a very tired
very lonely
regularly self tortured person?
We can all agree on that? Don't even need to put it to a vote- motion passed.
Oh
and if I can even talk to you for 20 minutes without passing out in agony
you should be pretty impressed with yourself.
