TheAmbassadorOfRomanceInVenus's blog: "Appreciating Romantic Friends"

You’ll never guess what Tarzan got Jane for Valentine’s Day last year! Cards and flowers, right. You got it. How’d you know? It might be because that’s also what Tarzan got Jane for their anniversary. And her birthday. And Mother’s Day. And after all their arguments last year. Tarzan loves Jane, and he tries hard. It’s just that Jane needs a little romance in her life, and he’s pretty much a washout in that area. Sadly, there’s a lot of Tarzans out there. They know they need to show their love and admiration in some special way, but it always seems to come down to the old standbys: the dinners, the cards, flowers and candy. And so another special occasion goes by, and neither partner feels very special. Just what is this thing called “being romantic” anyway? If it’s not all those thousands of cards we see in the stores, what can we do to cultivate an air of romance? How can we let our loved ones know how loved they really are? An endless string of books and talk shows are available to give us ideas, and some of them may work for us, but we still don’t know why one thing works and another fails. There’s something, somewhere that makes a difference. “Romance” or being “romantic” is qualitative: it is an attribute of something rather than the thing itself. Depending on the circumstances, even a bathroom brush can be romantic—and a diamond ring can say nothing. In the case of Tarzan and Jane, cards and flowers are meaningless, expressing no real sentiment at all no matter how beautiful they may be, because Tarzan gives them to Jane time and time again. Cards and flowers are too commonplace from Tarzan, so much so that Jane would be equally impressed if he gave her a card and a plate of mashed potatoes. Commonality, however, isn’t the only thing that kills romance. Down the street, Fred is a little wiser and varies the tokens of affection he gives to Wilma, but she’s no more swept off her feet than Jane, because no matter what Fred does, he’s always got something he wants to do with her immediately thereafter. Wilma has lots of nice things, but they’ve all come at a price. Clearly, Fred’s gifts to Wilma are really intended to be gifts to himself, and Wilma, justifiably, feels bought more than loved. QUALITIES OF A ROMANTIC PERSON Perhaps the two most important things about romantic people, then, are these: They have no expectation of return. Romantic people do things solely to give happiness to someone else. Their romantic displays have some unique, personal aspect to them. People don’t feel special if the attempt is ordinary. While the first quality is reasonably obvious—love is unselfish—the second may require a little explanation. What of the couple who walk hand in hand every night for years? Isn’t that pretty ordinary then? Yes, in the sense that it is a common event for them, but it is relatively rare in couples as a whole, and neither husband nor wife are likely to know any others who walk together so regularly. In this way, a certain glance or touch on the shoulder could still be romantic after 50 years. ROMANTIC PEOPLE TUNE IN TO WHAT TURNS ON Romantics are very attentive to their loved ones. They are constantly making mental notes of what catches their lover’s eyes, what their lovers say, and the reactions they get from what they do for their lovers. They use this information to create more romantic times for the both of them. Most people drop lots of clues (albeit unknowingly) about what makes them happy, and romantic people watch for these clues. In the movie “Groundhog Day,” Bill Murray wanted to win the love of Andie MacDowell, and so took note of the things that made her happy. When Groundhog Day started over again, he’d use that information to create happy moments for her, all the while searching for more ideas. After the day had repeated itself hundreds of times, he’d found all the right moves, and they were deeply in love. But that’s only half of it: Murray also had to learn what made her upset, not just to avoid those things (remember how many times he got slapped?) but to be able to help her along in her bad times. Romantic people don’t earn their wings unless they’re sensitive to what gets their loved ones down. They want to know what others are feeling. IN ROMANCE, THE BIG THING IS THE LITTLE THINGS Ask people to create their ideal romantic scene, and few of them will talk about a costly gift. Some will mention special occasions, but most people will describe something that happened on an ordinary, “for no reason” kind of day. Simple pleasures can have major impact on relationships. Gift-buying is easy and in fact expected for certain significant days. It’s commonplace, something everyone does, often mostly out of obligation. There is more of an effort (or attention to detail) inherent in efforts to turn the simple and ordinary into the unique and special. Little things tend to slow the pace down, calming and relaxing the mood. They can be gentle, peaceful and subtle,especially in contrast to the intensity of a large gift, which—especially when for a woman from a man—almost shouts its “heavy” message. ROMANCE THRIVES ON THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE A romantic person is often creative and spontaneous, dropping tokens of affection unexpectedly. To a true romantic, any day can be a holiday, and it’s a fair bet that a romantic could do something sweet for you at almost any moment. Romantic people are always slipping little goodies into places where you’ll find them later. Like the fabled shoemaker’s elves, they’ll sneak in, do something nice, and be gone. They enjoy the thrill of a well-planned romantic “hit and run.” At the same time, romantics have great senses of humor, because they know that laughter is happiness, a fully-alive feeling that only happens when the cares of the day are put aside. Have you ever known a really successful relationship without the ability to laugh? ROMANTICS CAN MAKE ORDINARY THINGS SPECIAL The imagination of romantic people is unparalleled. They are capable of finding multiple uses for just about anything, and suddenly, an old blanket and table become a tent to hide in and cuddle up. It’s a child-like, “let’s pretend”-type quality, but a useful one, and romantics look at things from all the angles to see how they can use them to be more loving. They look at you that way, too, to figure out how to prevent you from feeling you’re ordinary and instead turn you into the best thing in the world. To them, you already are, and they want to make sure you feel the same way about you that they do. ROMANTICS KNOW ABOUT EFFECTIVE ADVERTISING Ads are supposed to create desire for a product, and romantics’ actions are supposed to create a desire for them as well as show how much they love you. As they try to tell you, “No matter what, no matter when, no matter where, I want us to be together,” they want you to feel the same. As in advertising, the more they can convince you of their benefits, the more you’ll be likely to go for the product. This also means the romantic must be aware of what needs you have and how to fill them—another reason why expensive presents and promises of great sex fall flat: it wasn’t what their loved ones were after. Romantics know that a flashy label outside can’t compare to a true heart inside. They know the ones they love don’t judge books by their covers. ROMANTIC MENUS NEED VARIETY No matter how much you like chicken, you’ll tire of it if you have it every night. You can’t just have one recipe for romance, either, even if it’s special and unique. This is another reason why Tarzan’s continual card-and-flower barrages are ineffective: it’s the only way he shows Jane he loves her. If he changes the pace and tries other romantic things as well, Jane might still be receptive to his main one. Truly romantic people have some level of unpredictability to them, and it keeps their efforts from being taken for granted. Example: a friend of mine loves rabbits, so when I sent her anything, it always had to do with rabbits: rabbit cards, chocolate bunnies, rabbit washcloths, rabbit stickers, etc. It was predictable: if it was from me, it was something with a rabbit. Realizing this might be getting stale, I started varying my goodies. If I hadn’t, she’d soon have been thinking, “Doesn’t this guy know or appreciate anything about me other than that I like rabbits?” When she gets a rabbit now, it’s a more novel one and only a small part of what I send. NATURE IS ROMANTIC AND ENHANCES ALL OTHER ROMANTIC THINGS If you’ve ever looked at a personal ad column, you’ve seen lots of people who enjoy sunsets, mountains, hiking, walking in the rain, visiting the forest, etc. Nature can’t be possessed: it’s there for everyone to enjoy. The outdoors have a charm that’s hard to resist: simple yet complicated, grand and majestic yet peaceful and quiet. It inspires poetry and music, captivating us and pulling our minds away from the troubles of the day. Nature almost effortlessly becomes romantic, for in nature we need focus on only two things: the scenery and our loved ones. We are suddenly little kids again, and we like feeling that way, so if someone can bring those feelings back to us, we’re likely to find that someone to be quite romantic. ROMANTICS WANT TO BE WITH OTHER ROMANTICS Although you will find “givers” wed to “takers,” that’s not the best of matches, and the “giver” half of the relationship probably isn’t as much a romantic as a person with low self esteem. Typically, the giver thinks that’s the only quality he has that would make somebody want him, so he gives in an attempt to hang on. A romantic person graciously and lovingly accepts your own romantic advances as well, and although they may never be directly requested, the romantic can get discouraged if signs of affection are often sent and rarely received. It was once said that the best relationships weren’t the ones based on being “50-50,” but the ones based on each person giving their all, or “100-100,” without any scorekeeping. It’s a fun sort of “war” in which the two sides are both saying “I’m going to give you more than you give me and you can’t stop me, so take that!” People who have finely developed their romantic sides will feel much more appreciated and understood by partners who have done the same. ROMANTICS NEVER STOP TRYING TO BE ROMANTIC You can’t become a romantic person once and for all: it’s a lifelong job, and the real romantic is always ready to reassure you that the love you share is alive and well. If it’s been a long time since you’ve expressed your love in a new way (or in any way at all), chances are you’ve got some re-courting to do with your sweetheart. For romantics, their loved ones are always a top priority, never taken for granted, and no amount of pressure from the job, kids, or anything else will get in the way of an expression of love. No matter how much wood it takes, they want to keep the fires of romance burning brightly. Fortunately for us all, it’s never too late to start trying to be romantic. It doesn’t happen instantly, of course, and it’s always individually tailored—there’s no stock formulas. It’s tough being a romantic, which is perhaps why we value them so much. A lot of work goes into the actions of romantic people. Yet because they are all done in the name of pleasing someone they love, to romantics, every bit of it is fun.