The key to life is enjoying its simple pleasures.
And you know, there are tons of simple pleasures in life. Like watching a movie under a blanket when it's raining outside. Like eating tomato soup and grilled cheese when it's freezing cold. Like barbecuing on a summer day. Like taking a long ass, hot ass shower.
Well, I've just discovered another simple pleasure that I think I've always appreciated, but never quite realized.
Draws.
No, not draws as in the verb, but draws as in britches… underwear… skivvies…. umentionables…. though I'm about to mention the hell out these shits.
Dude, draws are simply fantastic!
I mean, really, is there anything like sliding on a fresh pair of draws after getting out the shower??
Is there anything like sleeping in draws between a bed with fresh sheets??
Is there anything like a fresh, perfectly fitting pair of draws??
I think not. Nor should you. There's nothing like a fresh pair of draws.
A fresh pair of draws is like a smile that hugs you throughout the day!
I know women understand because they roll up in Vicky's Secret and spend three arms, two assholes, and an ovary for a matching set of underwear.
In fact, I've read that if a woman has on some fucked up draws, the likelihood of her giving up ass is damn near non-existant.
They go and buy all that frilly lace shit with ass cheeks all caged up behind the mesh.
But to me, the best shits that women wear are them sport type shits…. ya'll know'em…. the cotton draws that are tight and look like some biking shorts, but with the draws' legs stopping at the upper thigh??? WHEW!!
That shit make a nigga wanna leave the one I'm with, and start a new relationship with you… so whatcha gonna do??
And clearly that's an Usher quote, and even more clear is the fact that Usher is only quotable when talking about women's draws. And most clear is that I will never quote that monkey-looking muhfucka again…
But dude…. DRAWS! I love'em! But not ALL draws.
For example, thongs??....... I'm sorry, but them shits just don't appeal to me.
Well, let me clarify, THONGS don't appeal to me, but the ASS that a thong showcases appeals like a muhfuckas to me!......But the thong itself? Fuck that.
First of all, all I can think of when I see a thong is, "I bet that damn string in the back smells like puretee SHIT when they come off!"
You can't even get "skid mark"s on a thong! Them shits just get blacked out! LOL
Ass cheeks smothering them shits like pork chops… sweating and stanking up
ALL the yarn in that bitch. Ugh!
I know, I know…. YOUR ass don't stink, and YOUR thong smells like yellow stars and green clovers with just a hint of Spring Freshness.
Right right right….
I'm talking to everybody else, not you.
*smh* Newsflash! It's ass.
They don't call it ass 'cause it smells like cinammon potpourri and Yankee candles!!
If that was the case, niggas would be like, " Yo, honey got a phat ass Yankee!!"
But no! You have an ass…. an ass not coincidentally with the same name as a fuckin mule…. and mules? yeah, they smell…. bad.
"Yo, honey got a phat ass Yankee!!"
LOL I kinda like that shit........ New slang alert!!! You can bite, just give credit!!
Like the other new slang shit I came up with…. check it:
"Man, you can holla at that heffa if you want to, but it'll be to no avail! You know she swoopin right???"
What is swoopin, you ask?? Swoopin… as in Cheryl Swoopes…. as in gay…. as in if she "swoopin" it means she don't like dudes…. no more.
Yeah, dope, I know.
So anyway, thongs ain't draws. In order for draws to be draws they must cover a portion of the ass cheeks for women, and support the nuts for men
(ass cheek coverage for men is a given…. anything else is uncivilized.)
Thus, with this thereom, speedos ain't draws either.
Yeah, I know you THINK they support nuts, but they don't.
They assault nuts.
Assault in the first degree an' shit........ There is no reason on God's green earth that nuts should be strangled and suffocated like speedos do… unless of course you're trying to spade yourself or you just like nut congestion… which is another problem in and of itself….
Boxers?? Nope. NOT draws.
Sorry ya'll. Boxers are shorts. That's it. They may be some short ass shorts… but they're shorts none the less. There is no nut support, and more importantly, if you get a stiffy while wearing boxers?..... Dude, problems ensue.
Well, at least they do for me. You little dick muhfuckas may not have any issue, but I'm not really concerned with your "small world."
As for me, I've been in situations where I've worn boxers and gotten an untimely boner. And trust me, the last thing people wanna see when they are on their way to the copying machine is your damn dingaling poking out the front of your pants.
Not sexy. Not the hotness. At all......(Despite what you may think.)
Plus, and this is a little graphic, but still true…. boxers don't catch those little droplets.
See, when a dude goes to the bathroom, when he finishes peeing, he has to get his Mariah Carey on…. he's gotta "shake it off." *note: new slang:*
You gotta wiggle the muhfucka a little bit to get all the droplets out.
If you're in a rush, or your forget to shake, or your shit just ain't cooperating…. a drop or two may decide to show up after the party's over.
Boxers don't catch that shit…. and next thing you know, you're wondering why your damn thigh or calf feels a little wet and shit.
Thus, boxers don't fulfill their role and are disqaulified from drawdom.
The good draws are the ones widely known as tight whiteys. I love'em.....I don't wear em....but for purposes opf this blog....just bear with me.......
They just support like nothing else can!
They are like an old friend that I see for the first time in years every morning.
And the cousin of tight whiteys??
Boxer Briefs. Those, my dear friends, are the truth!!!
Boxer Briefs are the best draws that mankind has ever seen. And I salute thee.
And I bring this entire topic up because I had to retire a pair of my favorite draws today.
I'd been hanging on to these muhfuckas forever because we've been through so much!!
College!..... Military Training!...... Three moves around three states!.... Overseas trips to over a dozen countries!..... My first house!
But somewhere along the way, the draws got beyond salvage.
They had holes.
There was paint on them that wouldn't come out.
Some of the elasticity had gone.
It is a sad, sad day in the Kaviar drawer of draws.
So I shall hang, and frame, these draws.
And they shall be hung from the rafters so that all who come, shall see.
1997 BVD Tighty Whiteys Boxer Briefs, we've had a great run, but your retirement is nigh.
Thank you.
If the key to life is simple pleasures… you, my holey, worn out friend, were the key to life.
And this is my song to you…. a song in the key of life, in fact.
Hmmm….."song in the key of life"… I kinda like that… I may have to copyright that shit before someone else discovers it…. like say … oh, I don't know… a blind dude with braids, a piano, and a harmonica.
"What's the fuss!!"
