CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "Broken"

November 15, 2009
Quote of the Day
"Pain is a part of being alive, and we need to learn that. Pain does not last forever, nor is it necessarily unbeatable, and we need to be taught that."
- Harold Kushner

Oh how I wish I could learn this and accept this. I do understand that pain is a part of being alive and in some sake that it doesn't last forever, but, with the depression and the anxiety the pain is intensified ten fold.

I have never been very good at dealing nor adapting to emotional pain. So many times I was tired of being sick and tired, there were times I would try to end the pain all together, but failed at being a failure. Then of course the times I would self medicate, but all that did was get me in trouble with the law, so that had to end as well. When I was being verbally abused, there were times I would even cut on myself to just block the pain in one area to cause pain in another area. Other times I would literally hit something such as a wall or a corner of a dresser to cause physical pain to myself, once again to try to block out what ever emotional pain I happen to be dealing with at that time. Amazing enough I pretty much got over physically hurting myself when I learned about isolation.

Now this may sound funny, but I think isolation actually saved me from many things; including myself. I do know that isolation is not a good thing to be performing, as the isolation will grow to extremes. I know this for a fact, for all the years following my divorce I became a huge on isolation. When I had my own place, I went to work, came home, went to work, and came home and so on. At this point, I was still able to go grocery shopping and to restaurants for the most part on my own. Somewhere during this time period is where the anxiety started striking again. One day near Christmas time I had walked into Walmart, was going to pick up some craft stuff for work. Low and behold, I only got as far as the end the main sales items when you walk in and I turned around and bee-lined it for the door. I just couldn't do it. This is where the anxiety really started picking up. For some reason I was able to fly to Germany a few years later, at that time it felt like the depression and the anxiety had somewhat subsided, I was with someone I could totally trust so that made it so much easier.

Upon coming back to the states, I stayed with my mom and her husband. This was only supposed to be a 3 month ordeal that in turn turned out to be a year and a half. Although I trust my mom, I wasn't comfortable there so the isolation became even bigger then it was previously. This time instead of confining myself to home, I confined myself to my bedroom. The only time I would go out is to use the restroom, smoke, or make something to eat. Along this time as well, came the anxiety rushing back. Now, I could make it in a store if I knew exactly what I was going for, go in and get out! I could handle going through the drive threw at a restaurant, but I couldn't handle going in unless someone I knew and trusted was with me. I would also leave to stay the night with my friend Vicki. This for the longest time was my only real escape from my bedroom. Before I came to Miryam's House, I hooked up with some of my older friends from before the marriage days. These were friends that I have known since my daughter was an infant.

This leads me to another topic. Upon meeting with these old friends, the self esteem issues shot even higher. I hate the way I look now totally. When I knew these friends in the past, I was skinny or what other people would consider average size. During this time in my past, my self esteem was generally pretty high. The anxiety wasn't completely there although it crept in on occasions. I loved being surrounded with people, and as snobbish as it may sound, I loved the attention back then. My memory as well as my tongue was both sharp and quick to the draw. Now after all the self medicating, my memory is starting to be faded. My short term memory tends to be exactly that, short term. For instance, I could tell you something and 5 minutes later try to tell you the same thing again, I may even ask if I had already told you that and feel stupid as hell when I find out I did.

So this all leads back to pain is a part of being alive. In some instances, it's just quite more intense for some over others. And that some are taught easier that pain is manageable from physical pain to mental pain, and then there are some of us who really want to learn how to manage with all this pain we encounter each and every day.