For those of you who dont know, no Im not referring to your trailer park ho of a sister, I mean the shot.
Harley took me out last night to repay me for going to the land of the braindead (better known as the mall) with her yesterday.
She dressed in this black lowcut number that showed just enough of her chest to keep me looking at her tits through most of the conversation.
Which of course was on my favorite subject, ME!
The night started out well, except for the appetizers at dinner. Why the hell would she try to get me to eat tabouhli and hummas?? Anything that looks like its already been eaten and puked back up I have no interest in.
She saved dinner though, with my favorite meal of Prime rib served bloody, twice baked potato, and french onion soup. Best meal Ive had in weeks.
I should have known the tricky bitch was up to something.
Next thing I know we're walking into this.. oh God, it's almost to horrible to remember... C..c.. COUNTRY BAR!!!
I was now surrounded by Redneck Assholes with handlebar mustaches, beerguts, snuff cans in thier pockets, and belt buckles bigger then my head. And that was the WOMEN!
I started to walk out, but everyone knows I can't tell the little Klown no, so we settled in at one of the tables beside the dancefloor, and she started pumping drinks down my throat.
It was during this time that I noticed some similarities between this club and all the other clubs Ive ever been in. I noticed the same people that I had seen way back when I was a bouncer.
That when I realized, no matter what kind of club you go to, you have all the same stereotypes. Here are my favorites:
1. The Club Tease : You know this bitch. Easily the hottest woman in the place, who goes out on the dance floor dressed in the most revealing Sh*t she can find, to show off the moves she learned at her pole dancing class at the gym. She bumps and grinds against speakers, the floor, other female dancers, ect. And she loves it when you buy her drinks.
But dont waste your money, my fellow Freaks. This Skank aint putting out to anyone with less than a 7 figure income.
Kind of ironic, since she works as a cashier at the local tanning bed place.
2. The Old Perv: Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. The guy who is easily 40 years too old to be in this damn place, but he's got some money in his pocket and gets so drunk he starts to think he's 22 again. ( Club teases LOVE this guy, 'cause he'll buy them drinks all night on the slight hope she might rub her ass up against his groin so he has something other than the memory of his 60 year old ex-wife to go home and jerk off to.)
3.The Club Slut: These come in two varieties, the Sober Slut, and her SLIGHTLY more classy cousin, The Drunken Slut.
Whats the difference you may ask?
ALOT, my young Klown Students!!
a.The Sober Slut is a Dogfaced Whore who you wouldnt touch with your worst enemies C**K, with such low self esteem that shed blow the Barbacks just to have someone pay attention to her. No One in his right mind would sleep with this crusty snail trail. Until she gets about three gallons of tequila in you that is,
Then she starts looking kinda cute.
b. The Drunken Slut : Yeah boys, this is the one we all dream about. The one who comes in sober, prim, proper, and VERY stand offish. But get about 4 beers in her and she starts to get friendly. After about 3 more jello shots, she wants to get out on the floor with you and use you as her new stripper pole. After about 2 more shots of tequila, all she wants is to do is play Ride the Wild Pony. She doesnt care if its at the club, in your car, at your house, ect. As long as she gets nailed to the wall with her ankles around your shoulders, and her panties on your head.
4. The Pretty Boy Bouncer : Man I hate this guy. You know hes not going to break up any real fights, it might mess up his pretty face or hair (Usually tied in a ponytail, or has enough hair gel in it to keep a salon going going for a month.) There is something seriously wrong with a guy who has rub on tan, a curling iron, and a hot waxing kit in his home, and he doesnt even have a roomate, much less a live in girlfriend.
All the women in the club get thier panties all wet for this F**kface, imagining the sex and believing all his bullshit stories about how he just got back from the Virgin Islands,( Thats where he got that dark tan) and Bought himself a Jag.
Guess what you stupid Bitches... HES A F**KING BOUNCER!! HE MAKES BARELY OVER MINIMUM WAGE!! HE JUST WANTS IN YOUR PANTS AND IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT!!
Well, I suppose thats enough of a rant for now. I have to figure out how to get out from under the 440 pound bleach blonde whale I woke up with. I think she said her name was Medusa, but that may just be a nickname.
I hope I can have this tattoo of her name removed... God, I'm such a Drunken Slut...
Harley.. Im gonna kick your ass when I find you...
Im out..
