Virgo
(August 24-September 23)
A true horror in the sexual zodiac, Virgos are the only people who can
become prostitutes and still claim to be virgins. A Virgo tends toward
a practical and realistic attitude towards sex, so this little pun is
not at all far-fetched.
A Virgo will, for instance, ask $50 for a blowjob, $75 if you cum in
his/her mouth, or $20 a minute, whichever "comes" first. People born
under this sign can be witty, articulate, charming, and 'lives of the
party', but they usually fuck it up by hiding their emotions.
Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat covers down
on a clean motel john. They are the kind of people who insist on using
the unopened tube of K-Y. If the condom isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't
go near it. And complete showers, if not disinfected baths, are
required both before and after. And if you even touch a Virgos asshole,
kiss your tryst goodbye.
Famous people born under this sign include Leo Tolstoy, Walter Reed,
H.G.Wells, Upron Sinclair, Cliff Robertson, Sean Connery, Kitty
Carlisle, Lauren Becall, Greta Garbo, Raquel Welch.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach to the
opposite sex which can only be called tactless. The typical Taurus
pickup line is "wanna fuck?" The typical Taurus comeback to that line
is "no, thanks, I already have one asshole in my pants."
But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him. He'll
rent a $200-a-night hotel room, and a $500-a-night whore, and pretend
he is having fun. At least half of MasterCard's business is done with
Tauruses.
A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show for it.
Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll see at least a
whole wall of trophies. Never mind that they are for "Most Improved
Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or "Fastest Sheep Catcher in
Texas." It's the trophy that counts.
Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex. In all
cases, the Taurus person will bite off more than he can chew.
Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's alleged love life.
Famous Taurus people include Barbara Streisand, Margot Fonteyn, Sandra
Dee, Ella Fitzgerald, Irving Berlin, Johannes Brahms, Sigmund Freud,
Sandy Dennis.
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Scorpio (October 24-November 22)
Scorpio's are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac.
Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpio's first date with someone
normally ends in rape. The back seat is where he/she makes his/her
moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX...and his/her "toys".
Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpio's are often challenged to
duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at
30 paces.
Scorpio's are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc. They
usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to their
capacity for total lust & sexual aberration. In youth, Scorpio's hide
in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person to
remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age, they
hang around playgrounds with bags of candy.
Charles Manson is a Scorpio.
Other famous Scorpio's include Richard Burton, Dick Cavett, Will
Rogers, Son of Sam, the Hillside Strangler, the Boston Strangler, the
Heimlich Maneuver Strangler, Teddy Roosevelt, Billy Graham, Katherine
Hepburn, & about 1/12th of the rest of the human race.
Scorpio's possess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They
think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every
penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted
marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it
just depends on what catches their eye. Scorpio's always want what they
can't have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally.
Scorpio's are held in awe by their enemies & are admired passionately
by their friends...both of them. And Scorpio's return that
loyalty...until someone says "Good Morning" to them in a funny tone of
voice. Scorpio's fear nothing. Most Scorpio's are murdered in their
beds.
Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
Their positive, optimistic enthusiasm for life makes these people
fucking disgusting. They are a delight to be with, the life of the
party, and are never a burden to their friends, letting the woes of
life roll off of them. Pretty nauseating.
A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and being a good fuck are also
attributes of the Sag. So with all this going for them, what ever could
they do wrong? Well, sad but true, the Sagittarius person is a great
one-night stand, but a lousy spouse. They get married, and married, and
married, and never get carried away.
They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it. A single
Sagittarius is charming, but a married one is an obnoxious flirt who
would sell his/her spouse for a roll in the hay with a new young
stag/broad. And it often works out that way.
Sags also have a great temper. A Sagittarius couple is about as amusing
a thought as marrying a Jewish American Princess to the leader of the
PLO.
Famous Sagittarians include John Milton, Heinrich Heine, Martin Van
Buren, Fiorello La Guardia, Jane Fonda, Kirk Douglas, Frank Sinatra,
Joe Dimaggio, Noel Coward, Louisa May Alcott, Lee Remick, Mary Martin
and Andy Williams.
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Pisces (February 20-March 20)
These wishy-washy nerds are the most sexually inept of all the signs.
Pisces can't get it up, and Pisces women have pussies that are as wet
and wide as the Mississippi. They often marry each other, which shows
what nerds they really are. And of course they deserve each other. And
it keeps the world fun for the rest of us.
The constellation under which they are born is sometimes called the
"armpit of the zodiac", and it seems to rub off. There isn't enough Old
Spice in the universe to solve this problem.
There isn't really much more to say about Pisces people. Except that
creativity is often achieved through deprivation, and as a result, some
of the most expressive artists were born Pisceans.
Some famous people born under this sign include Henrik Ibsen, Andrew
Jackson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Anais Nin, Elizabeth Taylor,
Ursula Andress, Renoir, Chopin, Handel, Rudolf Nureyev, Jerry Lewis,
David Niven, Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash (They DO deserve each
other!), Luther Burbank, Henry W. Longfellow, Jackie Gleason, Lawrence
Welk, Dinah Shore, Enrico Caruso.
Libra (September 24-October 23)
Libras are anal retentives whose sole purpose in life is to be right
all the time. They respond to admiration, praise and flattery, but only
for a couple of seconds at a time.
Libras love living in style, especially if they cannot afford it. Show
me a bitch who won't fuck until she's had jewelry, candlelight dinners
in expensive restaurants & satin sheets, and I'll show you a loose
Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that may be why
they lead their spouses around on a leash.
Hobbies Libras love include interior decoration (when someone else is
paying for it), fashion, needlework (including voodoo), listening to
art shows, and watching concerts. Opera fans are almost always Libras.
These people will do almost anything for peace and harmony. The way to
drive a Libra ape-shit is to say "fuck me or I'll play loud punk rock
music." Along those lines, Libras make the best hostages.
Unfortunately, many of them also become cops. Nightsticks make a
well-behaved lover.
Famous Libras include Friedrich Nietzsche, Eugene O'Neill, Brigitte
Bardot (No? Really?), Julie Andrews, Angie Dickinson, Angela Lansbury,
Charleston Heston, and Helen Hayes.
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Leo (July 24-August 23)
With great personal charm and animal magnetism, Leos don't have to be
good-looking to get some nookie. Leos are also romantic, which helps a
lot in the free fuck department. However, all this charm is
superficial, and though Leos make great one-night stands, they usually
flop as spouses.
An example might be of the Leo couple who wind up in a candle-lit
honeymoon suite, and she enters the bedroom in a classy lace nightie,
and he slowly removes it, and kisses her all over. But when they get
into bed, all they can do is talk about how wonderful and romantic they
make each other feel. She's frigid and he can't get it up.
But on the brighter side, a Leo is a wonderful confidant, someone you
can tell anything to. A good shoulder to cry on. On the other hand, a
Leo tends to let conceit and vanity get in the way. They make great
sales-people -- they can sell fishnet stockings to a quadriplegic.
Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous. The phrases
"The check is in the mail", "I love you", and "I won't cum in your
mouth" are all on the Top 10 Phrases to save for Leos.
Famous Leos include Peter O'Toole, Lucille Ball, Herman Melville,
George Bernard Shaw, Cecil B DeMille and Claude Debussy.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
Gemini are schizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an enigma.
Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then go do something
absolutely different, they are not being two-faced. When Jesus said,
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," he was probably
looking at a gaggle of Gemini.
This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes always
have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they are coming
in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men are walking down the
street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by, and one of them sighs. The
other turns to him and says "Brucie! Shame on you! What was that all
about?!!" And Brucie answers,"Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And
for the first time in my life I wished I was a lesbian!"
Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught." Women,
especially, love to pricktease, and then when the guy falls all over
them drooling, she'll *forget* she was ever remotely interested. Bitch.
However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are easily
taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini parents think
that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar. Geminis' children buy
lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts, even when neither of their
parents have sisters.
Famous people born under this sign include Marilyn Monroe, Joan
Collins, Bob Hope, Tony Curtis, John Wayne, Pat Boone, Lord Larry
Olivier, Queen Victoria, Brigham Young.
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Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality, hardly ever
fun to be with, but lots of class. They tend to look taller than they
really are, and, speaking of which, Capricorn men always seem to have
10 inches, even if they really only have 3.
Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they are really
conservative, tight-assed cowards...with class. These are the true
snots of the world. But they make good supportive wives....especially
the men.
Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other people think
of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are much more interested
in appearances than any other sign. But if you cross them, they don't
get angry, they don't get even. They just turn their internal
thermostat down about 100 degrees when they see you. Women who marry a
Capricorn, and flirt, end up with a pussy full of cocksicle.
Most horoscopes claim that Capricorns can be the most passionate lovers
in the Zodiac when they lose their inhibitions, but since they rarely
touch drugs, this almost never happens.
Famous Capricorns are Louis Pasteur, Ben Franklin, Beethoven, Isaac
Newton, Henry Miller, Rudyard Kipling, Marlene Dietrich, Loretta Young,
Mary Tyler Moore, Danny Kaye, Cary Grant, Janis Joplin and Elvis
Presley.
Cancer (June 22-July 23)
This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac. Cancers live
for their homes and families. While the spouse is in a motel room with
the secretary, the Cancer is sitting at home, telling the kids how
wonderful it is that dad stays late at the office to earn more bread
for the family home. Cancers get married. And fucked. And married. And
fucked. And married. But who's counting?
Cancers are pretty dull lovers. Foreplay to a Cancer man involves a
kiss on the cheek. Ask a Cancer woman what foreplay is, and she'll say
"something they shout on a golf course before they throw out the first
ball." The phrase "wham, bam, thank you, mam" was invented to describe
a Cancer's honeymoon.
While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good time,
because they live in a dream world. Walter Mitty was probably a Cancer.
Other famous people born under this sign are Ernest Hemingway, Mary
Baker Eddy, John Quincy Adams, Ginger Rogers, Olivia De Havilland,
Natalie Wood, Yul Brynner and Red Skelton.
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Aries (March 21-April 20)
Aries people are dynamic, quick, original, energetic, innovative
leaders who are downright disgusting to be around. These are the first
people bought joggers, and actually jogged in them. They are the people
who read the text in sex manuals. And try to follow it by the numbers.
Aries are honest and direct, and quick to find a motel room when the
boss's wife is horny. This is the guy who gets the woman into the
bedroom with a promise of 10 inches and 3 times, and turns out to have
3 inches, but does it 10 times.
The Aries affair usually gets pretty kinky, because with that limber
body and great stamina, they get bored with "the same old thing" every
night. From woman-on-top to shetland-pony-on-top is not a long leap for
an Aries.
Famous people in the Aries birthright include: Bette Davis, Joan
Crawford, Johan Sebastian Bach, Doris Day, Marlon Brando, Omar Sharif,
Peter Ustinov, Harry Houdini and Debbie Reynolds.
Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most
original, inventive and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians fuck
like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was probably first used as an elementary
school coloring book for Aquarius kids.
Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp analytical
perception. Thus, they can dream of a new sexual position and
immediately know if it is a physical possibility. Advances in
civilization, science, and new inventions are a special interest to
this sign. Most sex aids were invented by Aquarians.
Generous to a fault, it was an Aquarius who invented the "pity fuck."
Someone having a rough time? Well, fuck 'em! Literally! It'll cheer him
up, at least. Of course, when an Aquarius screws you, you may walk
bowlegged for months. It depends on how many positions, "toys" and
hours the session lasts.
On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't give a shit
for other people's opinions. At times they are careless, slovenly and
absent-minded. Even odoriferous. People of this sign are the most
likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass them on.
Famous Aquarians include: Vanessa Redgrave, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and her
sister Eva, Kim Novak, Paul Newman, Clark Gable, John Barrymore,
Charles Dickens, Thomas Edison, Lewis Carroll and Robert Burns.