Have you ever felt as if, no matter what you do, you can't win? Well this feeling is quite prevalent to me at this time. If i back off and don't say what I think or feel then I'm considered uncaring and selfish, but if I do state my mind I'm considered pushy and bigmouthed. It's a no win situation and it's driving me insane.
Not that I was completely sane to begin with. We all have our issues. I guess I consider myself as sane as can be expected after all I've gone through and, considering the people I surround myself with, I think of that as a blessing. Still, I'll be damned if insanity is going to be considered an excuse for plain old stupidity. I watch my friends and loved ones make mistake after mistake and feel powerless to stop them because if I try to it just causes an argument...and I hate to argue, especially when it's with someone I love and respect beyond measure. I get so upset that I end up making a fool of myself, but I can't stop it from happening. I know I'm right...at least when it comes to the important things.
I spend so much time lately feeling as if I'm beating a dead horse that I wake up expecting to find the old nag's head in bed with me like that guy in The Godfather. I suck in air waiting to exhale that breathless scream (or will it be laughter) at the sight of the blood and the mangled stump of neck protruding from my blankets. But, to my chagrin, it's never there. And so I wait one more day...[sigh]
I seem to spend a lot of time setting myself up for the big fall. But in the end it is nothing...just a blip on the radar...a snippet to include in this blog before I move on.
People are strange. I know Jim Morrison said that first, but truer words have never been spoken. I'm not considering myself normal by any means. Previously in these pages we have gone into detail regarding exactly how fucked up I am but, come on, at least I'm nice. And if that sometimes makes me seem like a pushover so be it. Some people tend to mistake kindness for weakness or stupidity.
In the end, I am a person trying to put out into the world what she wants back in return and ending up with little or nothing to show for it.
Along with this is the fact that I feel so scattered. Other than my family and a few choice friends, the only two people who truly matter to me in this world are out of my reach...well, distance-wise. I feel as if pieces of me are scattered from here to the other end of the country. I feel as if I'm broken.
So here I go...revealing what is probably the most personal thing I've ever written in this blog...
I'm pretty fucked up emotionally.
And now you'll say "Well, aren't we all?" and roll your eyes, but most of you will just be joking. I, on the other hand, mean it. I'm compulsive, impulsive, explosive. and I'm sure a lot of other "ives" if you care to think about it. I fall fast and I fall hard and it's usually for a person who I, in some strange way, sense...for lack of a better word...needs me. I take in stray puppies (not to mention stray people), I root for the underdog, I seem to meet people at their worst and run myself ragged trying to bring out their best. I like to take care of people. I've even been told that I like to "fix" people. You know...take a broken heart and glue it back together or pick up someone who's fallen and carry them to safety. I want to make it all better...and usually I can't.
Hell, I can't even make myself better.
Maybe I need to work on that.
