So I have this dear friend of mine.....
I havent really known her that long.....but I care about her deeply.......and she probably knows a little too much about my twisted sexual deviance....than i care to admit.
Well..... this friend and I talk about a lot of things that I wouldnt talk about with most friends...and Im pretty sure she doesnt talk about the stuff she talks about with me with most of her other friends.
Well getting to the point.....we share a lot of sexual fantasy information.....not so much about the fact that we are going to sleep together,....as much as what we are both into.....
one of the topics that has emerged in oour conversations as of late is swinging....
You heard that in Quebec a law was recently passed that made swinging clubs legal??
Well obviously.....memphis has had them joints for years!!!
Basically, there are, shall we say, establishments, where you and your spouse can roll up on and get your stroke on with another married couple who are complete strangers to ya'll.
Readers, that's a double date for that azz — literally.
Now, though I've been to Montreal, I don't know the exact location of these establishments, but I think it's a safe bet that if you just follow the smell of Old Spice and ass hairs, you'll probably locate the joints with much ease.
I've never been in a swinging club in Canada, but Ive been to two here in this city of Memphis.....and if the Memphis Clubs are any indication of the racial polarization of the lifestyle......you can betcha by golly wow that 99% of the muhfukkas in there are white.
"Give it a rest Kav! You always talking about White people! Or the Japs!!"
Hey, I'm not being judgmental here, I'm just stating facts!
Nyggas don't swing, unless you one of them Lisa Bonet/Dennis Rodman type Negroes.
Oh, we might fukk your spouse, but it'll be on some down low shyt!!
You won't find us trading dizzles and coochies like some damn baseball cards and Beanie Babies!!
And then go back to our spouse, whom YOU just skeet-skeeted on, and resume life as normal!!
Fugga no.
This is one note you'll never see on the refrigerator in a Black home or hear on the voicemail of a Black person's phone:
"Hey Boo, I'm going to run to the store for some hot sauce and pork rinds, and then stop off at Deacon Jackson's crib and break Sistah Debra off.
Remember? Tonight is swap night! He should be over here to anoint yo' ass too, so be sure and wash up before I get back….
He always leaves you smelling like grape juice and kosher crackers.
I should be back by 8 so I can tuck the kids in and help you with the dishes.
Love you!"
No. Never.
Could you imagine swapping coochies with the next door neighbors?
How do muhfukkas function after such an occurrence??
You surely can't invite them over for a 4th of July picnic!
I'm sorry, but I can't picture me grilling up some ribeyes for a dude who had my lady face down, ass up with some knee boots and a clown suit!
Hey man, fantasies are healthy, even if your fantasy may not be about the one you're with.
I'm sure many a woman was NOT thinking about me when I was on top pumpin my ass off!!
I'm sure one or more women closed their eyes and made believe I was Usher or Boris Kujo (LOL) or that light-skinned nygga from Soul Train that had heffas' panties wetter than your grandma's Depends.
Whatever floats your boat, jack.
But use the fantasy as fuel … just because you picture Mrs. So-and-so's big, round, beautiful buttocks puttin apple-shaped dents in your couch doesn't mean you should propose to Mr. So-and-so that he let you stroke his woman.
I mean, how do you even approach the shyt??
"Hey man… is that your wife??
DAYUM! .......Lemme hit that!...... C'mon man… lemme hit!!!
Stop being stingy!!....... What?!?........ Why you looking at me like that??
You gon' get something out of it too!!
See my wife in there with them pink rollers in her head and that red moo moo covering up them tore up toes sticking out her Jerusalem Cruisin' sandals??
That's all you my nygga!!"
But leave it to Memphis — America's Whopper Jr — to set up places where you can bounce in a club and get butt-nekkid and oily on some old dirty ass beanbag — one that would blind your ass if you ever put a black light to it — with somebody else's spouse.
Blame Memphis!!
Not only that, but a recently released article from a certain Memphis magazine also told men the way to a woman's heart.
It is American folklore that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
That, my friends, is gutter bullshyt! Yes gutter!
That bullshyt is so "utter", I had to put a "g" on it!
Get it?
I put a G on it… as in letter… as well as money… thereby increasing the value of its utterness!
Double entendre? See?
*sigh* you guys are tragically unhip sometimes.....
Let me tell ya, of the women I've dated that could throw down in the kitchen, none of them hoes captured my heart.
I'm supposed to be hooked because you know how to crock-pot some neckbones??
Nah shawty. T'aint that easy. (*snicker* I said taint.....LOL)
I'll put it to you like this: Aunt Jemima does wonders for your breakfast, but you ever seen that hoe with a man??
Exactly.
The way to a man's heart…. and lean in close ladies because I'm about to hip you to some shyt you'd betta already know…. the way to a man's heart…. is
……
….making him feel more like a man.
It's that simple.
A man loves a woman who makes him feel stronger… more manly…
And for women??
How do you get to their hearts??
Well, I've been saying for years now that the way to woman's heart is through laughter.
And the good swingin MemphriKKKans along with their Canuck bretheren just confirmed that with some new research.
They basically say that, from their survey, women are more likely to be with a man who can make them laugh.
A woman likes her bone tickled too!
Now, this is the way to their HEARTS.
If you have a 10-figure bank account, then sure you'll have more women than an Oprah audience, but you won't have their HEARTS.
This isn't to say that if you're a funny muhfukka but look like Biggie Smalls and Shabba Ranks' gay-love ass child that you'll be beatin hoes off with a stick.
But it is to say that if two men are equally appealing to a woman, the one that makes her laugh is probably going to win out.
This can NOT be said for the stomach-heart maxim of men.
If two women are equally appealing, the one who makes the better banana pudding doesn't get the edge just for that reason.
In fact, that shyt ain't even a factor.
But please, lest you go out blaspheming me with my own quotes, please take note that if a woman CAN'T cook — I'm talking about she can't even spa some ghetti — this is grounds for reconsideration of all dealings less convenient assage and booty callage.
So then, what can we conclude from today's discussion??
Every Black man should propose to his significant other that they go swingin and stroke some strange monogamously coupled asses.
"Why?" you ask.
Because she will laugh at you. And by tickling her funny bone, she will tickle your funny-looking bone. But more importantly, you shall win another corner of her heart.*
*Advice for entertainment purposes only…. adhere to at your own peril.
that is all....
