Hi my name is Carlton, an blessed and thankful 4 a second chance addict
It was suggested that I tell my story. This is 2 better not only the relationship with u the reader, but myself. See it I always hold things in or lie just 2 hide behind my past, which has caused me 2 put on a mask so people won’t look down on me 4 who I was. If I don’t constantly think of where I came from it is a 1,000% I will only resurrect them demons I fought 2 bury. I am first an addict and second I must identified how it progress, what gave it fuel or what I believe matured into something unmanageable, mostly how I felt by some of the deceitful choices and deeds I keep in my grips and what I did 2 change this shit. O what I thought would b easy certainly wasn’t, quitting using anything that result in me not being who I told everyone I was CARLTON.
I was handed the tools of addiction pretty early in life, from what I could just about gather, when I heard family speaking of me and mother for starters. I grew up in a couple of different households up 2 the age of 6 or 7. But I do remember the brief moment I shared with my mother. I still 2 this day don’t remember if I was happy or scared 2 b with my mother. Now that I look back at the situation I reckon confused. Me and mother lived in a tenantment in NYC. Now from what I gather I was a happy go lucky child. Don’t believe lucky was a choice, if It wasn’t 4 God, I probably would confuse luck and bless. I say lucky, because not 2 many people can feel blessed 2 have a mother with an alcohol problem, not 2 mention which most times was used just 2 justify her unbalance behavior and unpopular choices she constantly made. One thing 4 sure 2 things 4 certain, I knew she loved me in her own way, it just took 2 me decades 2 realize what unconditionally, really meant.
Due to alcoholism I really felt I was robbed of my toddler years, because I was used as a pawn and an escape goat by my family. I wasn’t deprived as much as I was told of. Let me explain, when I began 2 walk I wasn’t just into everything because I was unmanageable, I was really learning much early, it was me 2 the bitter end as a child. I had 2 find food which normally resulted in cold raw hot dogs. I really thought my name was Oscar Myers, water was plentiful and remember I wasn’t tall enough 2 get it from the sink. Yes, survival tactics kicked in. I soon learn as long as u see clear with unfloatin colorful objects, unknown 2 me at the time what they was, told me toilet was ur only option.
I could remember losing my shoes in cabs, looking 4 some sort of attention, not really realize that lead the wrong results (belts, ironing cords, extension cords, sometimes I would b bless if the iron wasn’t hot or something wasn’t still attached 2 the other end of the cord. O did I mention I mostly got that type of love when she assumed I wasted her liquor or threw it away. Never did it cross her mind, I might have drank it because I thought it was just toilet water bottled now. I was tried of waiting 4 the brown stuff 2 go down after the toilet might have been stopped up 4 a couple of days.
Now I don’t remember what the results was after I drank the liquor, but as much as I was getting my ass kicked, I assume I had 2 enjoy it. As time inched on, I think I really showed my love or I definitely don’t know what the hell I was doing, but I saved my mother’s life. This particular day was the normal, mom out like a light, smoking in bed, something I think is very mindful of. Anyway the bed or something sparked, but any way God must live in that house also. Because as hot as the hell is said 2 b, my mother’s bed had 2 be hotter, but my mother never moved until my heroics kicked in. as little as I was I was able 2 bed the coma like spell my mother fell into after drinking 5ths, either with herself or 2 5th’s with her friends. The more I banged I must had caught her In between one them snoozes, cause she woke, but not before the bed room burned up and her back had some type of third degree burns.
One thing I had 2 do that I didn’t know would progress I would soon become an alcohol first. Mind now I am not able cop 4 myself, so I had 2 wait until a cup was left unattended on the floor, in the liquor or beer bottle in the refrigerator. I was grooming myself and not only by my own admission, but my aunts call themselves leaving me some in a small cup. They had a not a clue I might have already stole my shared and they blaming each other or people who wasn’t even there. About then I wasn’t allowed 2 go out unless it was with a family member. At least if I was surrounded by addiction from the moment my eyes was open I was surrounded by drugs and alcohol.
Is alcohol a gate way drug, if it is not then it must b the gate keeper. I wish it had turn me away, but since we only discriminate and claim 2 use and choose, then I guess I definitely had this life on reserve. Same way 4 my recovery, cause I jump on it when I felt it slipping way. Now I not as much time as I feel I have, cause everyday clean and sober feel like a year.
The older I got the more control I fooled myself into believing I had. I was who I was fooling. I learned how 2 work or be functional under the assumption, since I couldn’t operate successfully doing piles of coke. I thought alcohol was my buddy. I got my backbone 2 challenge things and CERTAIN people that I wouldn’t out of the ordinary. Then alcohol mixed with other drugs, especially No Doz. Plan and simple when I crashed I would have preferred it been in my house. I said, I wished, because I would make a patio on the street, bus, and at people house or their porch until they threw me out. real shit can't be hidden like underwear under clothes.
When the drugs got more in demand, I was looking 4 the strongest beer after I was smoking because I had 2 land the launched rocket some how. But when I brought ready and weed, if it wasn’t enough money 4 beer that was my most miserable moment. I must share I hated sharing my alcohol. It was like my goal 2 get drunk and I needed every drop. I would even let the beer sit out over night and resume morning just 2 get my wake up shot.
