Response to the last...
It's been a long 8 months, and I still read this every single day.
Sad, no? Sad that a person like myself has built such a negative
reputation that - in order to break free of it - I must flee to where
I can try to start again, and again, and again, and so forth. I
realize you probably will delete this as soon as you figure out who
it's from (and if you don't, likely you'll negate it,) but I can only
hope.
Some things I felt it necessary to clarify:
-I moved away, not because of "burned bridges", but because of the
depression I set into long before Erica and I split. Yes, Erica AND I.
I initiated it, but she was mutual on the subject (at least,
outwardly,) and agreed that we were fighting too much to continue.
-The "girls" I was bringing into the house was actually just one -
Rabbit, whom I started dating before jail.
-The depression I mentioned, it did some very nasty things to me. I am
not stating this for pity, just as fact. While dating Rabbit, I turned
even MORE abusive, a thing I hadn't ever thought myself capable of
being. Please believe me when I say the answer to "What kind of person
does something like this? Why would anybody lie about such a thing?
[the lie about my family dying]" is thus: I was, and may still not be,
well.
-The troubles I had at jobs were genuine. The problem was mostly
self-inflicted by general cockiness.
-I have ALWAYS been able to keep myself going - and in some very dark
times, unable to stop and just stay stopped.
-In near 13 yrs of living away from my family, exactly how many times
do you think I WASN'T in trouble with the law. Mind you, most of that
was before I truned 18, but still, I was a street kid.
-Most of what was said about my home life with Erica was true. I won't
even try to pick that apart.
This being said, there is bit of an issue left unresolved.
I am untrustworthy. "...wreckless, dangerous..." as you put, and that
is not so true. Near Xmas time there will appear - in your tips - an
envelope, with some of what Erica told me I owe. I have worked very
hard to get it done. You will know what to do. I can't do it myself,
since none of us want contact. If you wish, you can also say to Erica
that I apologize. Neither of you have to believe it, but I'm saying
it.
You're right. I should have apologized to her first, but at the time I
couldn't even begin to consider that, and I hope that you both
understand why. I felt the need to apologize to you because I DID
wrong you, even if you won't admit it.
My drinking has only decreased. I was quit of it until just before I
left. It is quite the struggle, and often I wish for a day when
drinking or something else or the combination will leave me 6-down.
My depression is only just curbed. Terrible things happen when I'm
left alone to delve inside.
In closing, I want to leave with these bits of news:
Moving away provided an opportunity I haven't enjoyed since I was 20.
I have been at my current position with the union for 15 months. I
have many acquaintances who seem to care nothing for who I was, but
only for who I am, and I strive every day to continue this.
I recently came up said something to a friend that I wish I could use
on myself. "Advice is simply pointing out the obvious that is
invisible to those blinded by decisions already made." If I had
thought this way twelve, ten, even eight months ago, I believe my life
would have changed drastically. Alas, "hindsight is always 20/20"...
For a long time, I hated you, and I hated Erica, for all the things
you said in your last letter. Now I realize that it's done, and I can
only wish you and Erica the best.
Sincerely,
-Arthur Bartlett
