SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one
about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my
every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when
I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda ,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have
their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when
it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix
everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 I dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there
by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer
drive my car
because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law 's second husband's cousin's
beautician...
Have a wonderful day.
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain
activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.