This is wise advice Recognizing Abusing Personalities Many women are interested in ways they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive. Below are list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their girlfriends or wives. If the person has several of these behaviors (say three or more) there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated. The behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the woman. 1. JEALOUSY: Abusers usually say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. Abusers tend to question their partners about everyone they talk to, accuse them of flirting when they are carrying on a normal conversation, or be jealous of time spent with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let his wife or girlfriend work for fear she'll meet someone else. He may check her mileage or ask friends to watch her. 2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: Batterers will say this behavior demonstrates concern for the woman's safety, or a desire for her to use her time better, or make good decisions. The abuser may be angry if the woman is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let the women make personal decisions about the house, her clothing or going to church. She may have to ask permission to leave the house or room or use the phone. Maintaining absolute control over money is another typical sign of an abusive personality. 3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many battered women date or know their abuser for less than six months before they are married, engaged, or living together. The abuser comes on like a whirlwind, claiming "you're the only person I could ever talk to" or "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." The abuser pressures the woman to commit to the relationship, making her feel guilty for "letting him down" if she wants to slow things down or break-off the relationship. 4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs. The abuser expects the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, and lover. The abuser will say things like "if you love me, I'm all you need -you're all I need." 5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut his victim off from all resources. If she has male friends, she's a "whore"; if she has female friends, she's a "lesbian"; if she's close to family, she's "tied to the apron strings." The abuser accuses people who are the woman's support of "causing trouble." The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone. The abuser may not let her use a car or have one that is reliable. 6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone else is always doing the abuser wrong or is out to get him. The abuser makes mistakes and then blames the woman for upsetting him or keeping him from concentrating. He tells the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong. 7. BLAMES PARTNER FOR FEELINGS: An abuser claims his girlfriend or wife is responsible for everything he feels and uses it to manipulate her. For example, an abuser may say "you make me mad" or "you're hurting me by not doing what I want you to do" or "I can't help being angry." Claims like "you make me happy" or "you control how I feel," are harder to catch. 8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Abusers are easily insulted and claim their feelings are "hurt" when really they're mad. The abuser takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened, things that are really just part of living. Things like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores. 9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: An abuser may punish animals or children brutally or be insensitive to their pain or suffering. The abuser may expect children to be capable of doing things that are beyond their ability, like whipping a two year old for wetting a diaper. He may tease children or younger brothers and sisters until they cry. Sixty percent of the men who abuse the woman they are with also beat their children. The abuser may not want children to eat at the table or expect the children to stay in their room all evening while he is at home. 10. PLAYFUL USE OF FORCE IN SEX: An abuser may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. The abuser is letting the woman know that the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show a little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with the woman when she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired. 11. RIGID SEX ROLES: Abusers expect a woman to serve them. This may mean staying at home to create the right environment for him and being responsible for menial tasks. The abuser expects absolute obedience, even when he tells her to do things that are wrong or criminal. The abuser sees women as inferior to man; he believes she is stupid and unable to be a whole person without a relationship. 12. DR. JEKYLL AND MR HYDE: Many women are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood. They may think the abuser has some special mental problem because one minute the abuser is nice and the next the abuser is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. These behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity. 13. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, abusers use things like cursing, tone of voice, mimicking, and constant repetition to degrade and harass their partners. 14. PAST BATTERING: This is a big warning sign. If your partner tells you of past violence in an intimate relationship, chances are the blame for the violence will be put on the victim: “_____ made me do it,“had it coming, “started it, etc. If someone who knows your partner tells you of past abusive behaviors, you should take it very seriously because intimate partner violence is not situational. Sooner or later, the abuse will surface in your relationship too. 15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Some abusers never have to touch you to have you in their control. They may threaten to kill you, break your neck, slap the smile off your face, or some such thing. This is not normal conversation in intimate relationships. Do not believe your partner when you’re told “everybody talks like that. People who really love you will not want you to be afraid of them. 16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior may be used as a punishment when your partner purposefully breaks something you cherish. It also can be used to terrorize you to achieve submission. Behaviors may include beating on the table, throwing objects around, slamming doors, punching the wall. Like threats of violence, these are not normal behaviors. They are meant to frighten you and they should. 17. ANY USE OF FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: Keeping you from leaving the room, holding you in place, pushing or shoving, ramming a finger into your chest while making a point are all ways abusers maintain control of their partners. I hope that posting this information helps someone recognise and avoid an abusive relationship before its too late - There is NO EXCUSE for ABUSE
from Katiadriel's stash http://www.cherrytap.com/user/480390
