So i am facing another very lonely night as i sit here by myself again. I cant help but glance up and see pictures i should of rid myself of but cannot bare to move.
A part of me remains decidatedly in love with her dispite the fact i know her heart does not feel the same as my own. I wonder why it was not meant to be, Why am i not allowed to simply be loved ?
Am i that awful a person? I know i have made some horrible mistakes in my past and made choices i am since a shamed of having to make but at those times were simply the best to make given so little choice.
I am so tired of this mellow-drama that has been the continue of some sappy teenage tv show A show i long ago felt like i had out grown but yet continues to play inside of my head. And now insted of just seeing it in me i see it in those closest to me. Those i care and love with everything that is left of my heart.
My brother who i fear is going to fall and i am unable to help him no matter how hard i try to. I see so much of me in him and i know the mistakes i made and want so badly to protect him. He's forced to grow up before he was meant to much like myself but simply under differant circumstances.
To be born what will be my niece or nephew. Still all when he is unready.... A family that will be started out rocky to say the least. I fear for all this only because of the fact i know deep down it was not meant to be yet, Yet it is now or well soon to be. Choices have to be made and i am unsure on how the whole
out come of the situation will be.
Kind of funny.... I thought i was the one suppost to be making my brothers uncles... not the other way around. I cannot help but some how feel as though i have failed them. I have not ever gotten to be the stand up brother i have so despritly tried to be for them. I myself continue to make mistakes even though i know better then to make them in the first place. Despritly i hope that some how there will be some good to come out of all this bad.... What that will be i am so very unsure of.
A man once said this is the time god tries mens souls , I wish for just alittle hed stop trying on mine so hard because i am not honestly sure i have much more to be tried.
And yet for all this i still hope for a better out come for my own life. A life outside of the military i know i love so much, That has tought me so well in life but feel as though it has in all honesty run its course and now time to move on from it and start a new doing something else.
The hopes and dreams of one day finding a loving mate of my own, and the pitter patter of little feet running towards the door, Perhaps one day ..one day just not yet i guess, For what ever reason that might be but one day i hope.
