Today starts the 16 day countdown until February 14th. Valentine's Day. This
day is so miserable, it deserves a second title: "Valentine's Day, Or the
Modern Masochist"
A lot of people blame Hallmark for the ridiculous attention paid to this
"holiday" (who the hell deemed this a HOLIDAY?!), but no, this puppy has its
roots in Catholic history. It began when this guy, a Saint (how can you be
deemed a "Saint" if you bring about hell on Earth?), defied Claudius'
absolutely brilliant attempt to ban marriage back in third century Rome.
See, Claudius had a problem with nobody wanting to join his military. "So,"
Claudius obviously thought, "if I simply take away the ceremony, nobody can
love one another, and people will join my service." Well well well, Homey
didn't play that, and thus Valentine continued to secretly marry couples.
Not too secretly, apparently, since paperwork and blood tests had to be
filed and all that. Anyway, Claudius (clever fellow that he was) caught onto
Valentine's devilish scheme and put him to death. Supposedly, Valentine's
letter to his daughter read "From your Valentine" and started the insanity
that continues to drive men nuts to this day. Don't believe me.look it up! I
went to Catholic school frome K-8th grade!!!
Let me put it this way: Valentine's Day is grossly unfair towards men. Male
actions (or-gasp!-inactions!) on this day are scrutinized and analyzed like
an CSI: Miami team run by Monk. On this day, past sins can be forgiven.
Deep, grievous personal wounds can be healed.
...or you could unleash the unbridled fury of a scorned woman armed with 8
snapping snakes for dreadlocks!!!!
I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Let me break Valentine's Day down by the sexes. Namely, how males and
females view February 14th, and what their respective expectations are of
the holiday.
Females:
An unbelievable opportunity for a guy to truly let a girl know how much she
means to him, or to express himself openly, to any degree. The bolder and
more creative the gesture, the more style points he earns. The more earnest
the attempt, the more past wrongs are forgiven. Should he succeed in diving
into the planning and consideration of guaranteeing a woman the honor and
distinction of calling her girlfriends up sans date at 2 AM to say "OH MY
GOD," sex will most definitely be bestowed upon him.
Males:
Falling entirely too close to Christmas, Valentine's Day is merely a
dualistic exercise of maintaining a strict monetary budget and having the
gerbils of creativity work overtime in the brain. Valentine's Day is not an
"opportunity" to woo or express emotions; no, Valentine's Day is contained
within the fine print of any relationship. This fine print MANDATES, at the
penalty of death (or loss of sex privileges: same thing), a John Hughes-like
evening of dinner, roses, romance, chocolates (lest the girl be on Atkins,
in which chocolates earn an automatic F), and of course, a meaningful card
with a moving message contained therein.
Summary: Failure is not an option.
Now, some may argue that the female promise (see: option) of permitting sex
should be more than enough incentive for the male to work his ass off to
make her morning/noon/night. But I can say with certain conviction that NO
sex is THAT fucking amazing, and if given the option between one night on
the couch and the PRESSURE of HAVING to come through on Valentine's Day,
give me a throw blanket, used body bag, or whatever else is handy, and I'll
cover my eyes, say the Rosary until exhaustion kicks in, and see you on the
15th.
Let me take Valentine's Day a step further. Watchya say?
Yes, a guy can wine and dine his fair maiden with fancy words and maybe a
swing or two on the dance floor. This, by itself, would be fine. However,
each male finds himself squaring off against every other male for a title of
"best boyfriend" on this date. Oh, sure, we may have impromptu pow-wows
amongst our masculine selves where we flat-out admit to each other, "Guys,
fucking help, I have NO clue what to do here." BUT! We see these broad
proclamations as signs of weakness. At this time, Guy Code requires us to
slap the poor fellow on the back, say, "Dude, I don't know what I'm doing
myself," and walk away snickering, knowing that when YOUR lady turns to her
friends in the days following February 14th, you will see your avatar higher
than at least one poor soul.
Because, truly, isn't that what Valentine's Day REALLY comes down to? You
work your ass off to better the guy next to you, not to impress or please
your woman. You're fighting for her honor in a Courtly Love sense (quite
literally), trying to give her the right to brag the most to her friends the
next day.
Yeah, Valentine's Day is a lot of pressure for us guys. Yes, it's a day for
expressing ourselves. But, moreover, it's an opportunity to give you women
something to brag about, to make your day in an indirect sort of way.
Of course, there are corollaries to this. For instance, men, be wary of the
females who magically become drawn to you within the next three weeks.
Nothing is worse than meeting a wonderful, wonderful girl... doing wonderful
wonderful things for her...
...and then dropping the ball come Valentine's Day.
If you're just starting out a relationship, and Valentine's Day falls within
the first month. Buddy, forget about it-this is a pass/fail type test, and
if you can't hack it on the V-Day, your ass... is grass.
Instead, if you meet a fantastic and charming girl on February 7th, and she
asks what you're doing on Wednesday, February 14th... you take her by the
hand, look deep into her beautiful hazel/blue/green/gray/RED! eyes and say:
"Darling, the Penguins play the Chicago Blackhawks at 7:30. I can't. How
does Thursday sound?"
Then, merely sit back and watch as she blinks twice and says, " Who are you?
Where am I? I'm so sorry" and runs away.
Similarly, beware your close-but-not-too-close female friends who, right
around now, start re-entering your life, asking to go see a movie here,
maybe watch a football/basketball game there. Girls who play the sports
angle are particularly dangerous, and particularly difficult to resist.
However, if they try the old casual, "Hey, you just want to hang out for
Valentine's Day?" line on you... BE STRONG. You have to be able to put your
foot down and say, "Look sexy mama, I ain't gonna be no short man for you on
that day so you can turn to your girlfriends and say, 'Mmmmm-hmmm, me and
MIKE went out for Valentine's Day, nothing big,' and expect to get off easy
from your female comrades."
Of course, if this girl offers sex to go along with dinner, feel free to
disregard any and all ulterior motives towards using you for the night.
Speaking of "the night," while I will always maintain that dinner and operas
and shows are merely precursors to the true essence of most dates-making out
and so on-this opportunity does not exist for all people. For these people
(mostly females), Valentine's Day is a sad occasion, and having nothing to
do, and nobody to hook up with, is a giant Billboard that screams LOSER.
As men, it is our opportunity-nay, our DUTY-to provide these women with an
alternative. Yes, as they gather up in numbers ("for strength," they'll
say), we too can gather up en masse to hit the bar scene with the
not-so-noble intent of, um. salvaging, another girl's night by smiling and
wining and dining her and hooking up with her so that she too can call
someone the next day and join in the banter.
The problem is, of course, how do you disguise your intentions as male pack
hunters in a bar, on Valentine's Day, on a friggin' Monday Night?
Simple. You get together that day, around 5pm, and research whatever NBA or
college teams will invariably be playing on ESPN in the bars that night.
That way, when a girl asks (and correctly, I might add), "Why the hell are
you out here tonight?" you can say, "Oh, I love me some Golden State
Warriors! Hooyah!"
Otherwise, a group of guys, out together, on Valentine's Day? Very gay.
Which brings us to today's final question. If you're gay (male or female),
who feels the Valentine's Day pressure? Anybody? Both of you? If you're
bisexual, which role do you have to fulfill, and is that determined strictly
by your sex?
Are the male/females in gay relationships? Is the pratfall of being this
that YOU must come through with the bacon on Valentine's Day? These are
important questions. Not for me, and probably not for most of the people who
will actually read this, but important questions nevertheless...
Questions that need answered.
So, what can be done to salvage Valentine's Day for a couple? Men,
fortunately, you do have options. You can always pull off the very sly and
coy, "Baby, I was thinkin' about us just staying in tonight. I'll make
dinner, a bottle of wine... you know, avoid the crowds." Women, by their own
rules, must concede to this recommendation. "Staying in and making dinner"
is socially acceptable and allows a woman to keep her face in subsequent
bragging stories, but in truth, "staying in" can be best defined as the
following:
"Look, babe, I'm so pooped" we can't go out. Heck, meee is so pooped'. I
KNOW if I boil you some sketti noodles and use some Prego and pop in some
breadsticks to go along with the heavy alcohol wine I picked out, we'll
remain in close enough proximity to the bedroom that I won't have to work
too hard or say too much. And if shit ain't goin' so great? I rented us a
copy of Pretty in Pink to seal the deal!"
Girls, you don't have to like it. All I know is that right about now, guys
are reading this and laughing them silly, for I speak the TRUTH. Yes, I've
admitted that we guys strive to do JUST enough on Valentine's Day to keep
you from killing us.
For we know if we done fuck up Valentine's Day, we're in trouble. Nah, you
ain't never gonna bring up VALENTINE'S DAY... but you'll definitely find
some other shit that we do wrong that you've been cool about until now to
make our lives hell about. And you can nod your head to that, 'cause I know
that's true too.
P.S. NO girl wants a star named after her. "What, you sayin' that I'm a big
ol' ball of gas?"
P.P.S. Attempting to use the "All the restaurants are booked" excuse will
NOT fly with the woman, especially if her friends' boys secure a table.
Listen to Yoda, and do. There is no try.
P.P.P.S. Valentine's Day is typically not a good day to break up with a
girlfriend. Also, Valentine's Day is not a good day to inform a boyfriend
that you're pregnant.
P.P.P.P.S. Ladies, if you break up with your boyfriend in the days following
Valentine's Day, I will be your man's material witness at your murder
trial!!